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When a family transitions through divorce, the calendar often becomes a battlefield. We talk about "my days" versus "your days," but if we look through the eyes of a child, the math looks very different.Why Make-Up Time is a Medical Necessity The landmark Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study (Felitti et al.) taught us something vital: the environment a child grows up in predicts their health as an adult. High-conflict divorce and the loss of a meaningful parental relationship are significant "adversities."When one parent takes a child on an extended vacation, it’s a wonderful opportunity for memories. But for the child, it’s also a long "gap" in their relationship with the other parent. Proactively offering "make-up time" isn't about being "fair" to your ex; it’s about reducing the dose of stress for your child. It ensures the child never feels they have to "sacrifice" one parent to enjoy the other.Protecting the "Child’s Experience" over "Parental Rights" Professor Nicholas Bala, a leading researcher in family law, has interviewed many people who grew up in high-conflict homes. His findings are a wake-up call: grown children don't remember who had the "better" legal argument. They remember feeling like pawns in a game of rights.Bala’s research suggests that children who see their parents fighting over every hour grow up feeling that their parents were more concerned with "winning" than with their child's happiness. By offering make-up time, you are choosing your child's experience over your legal entitlement.Modeling Selflessness Dr. Joan Kelly, a pioneer in child adjustment, found that the single greatest "protective factor" for a child is a high-quality relationship with both parents. She argues that parents who "encapsulate" their conflict and cooperate on scheduling provide a shield for their children.When you say, "I know you were away with me for two weeks, so let’s make sure you get extra time with Mom/Dad next week," you are modeling:<ul><li>Resilience: Showing them how to handle life's imbalances with grace.</li><li>Security: Teaching them that love is not a "limited resource" they have to hoard. The Role of Parenting Coordination This is where a PC becomes your child’s greatest ally. A PC’s job is to lower the "conflict temperature." Instead of parents arguing over the logistics of a trade, the PC helps facilitate a solution that keeps the child at the center. We help parents move from "accounting" to "parenting," ensuring the child’s right to be and feel loved by both of you remains the priority.</li></ul>Downloadable Resource: Time Trade Template Instructions for Parents: Use this template when you are requesting a vacation or a schedule change. It is designed to be neutral, child-centric, and proactive about "making the child whole."Subject: Schedule Proposal for [Child's Name] – [Dates]Dear [Co-Parent's Name],I am writing to discuss our upcoming schedule regarding [Vacation/Event]. I would like to take [Child's Name] to [Location] from [Start Date] to [End Date].The Benefit to [Child's Name]: [Child's Name] is really looking forward to [specific activity, e.g., seeing grandparents, swimming, visiting the museum]. I believe this will be a wonderful memory for them.The "Make-Up" Plan: I recognize that this trip means [Child's Name] will miss [Number] of your scheduled days. To ensure they don't lose out on their essential time with you, I would like to propose the following make-up dates:Option A: [Insert Dates] Option B: [Insert Dates] Logistics: I will handle the transportation for these make-up sessions to ensure the transition is as smooth as possible for [Child's Name].My goal is to make sure [Child's Name] enjoys this experience while still maintaining their consistent bond with you. Please let me know which option works best for your schedule by [Date].Best regards, <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">[Your Name]When "No" is the Answer: A Parent’s Guide to Staying Child-Centered It is frustrating when you offer a fair time trade and receive a "no." However, this is the moment where modeling becomes most important. If you react with anger, the child feels the tension. If you react with a "child-first" strategy, you protect them from the conflict.1. Check the "Conflict Temperature" Before responding, ask yourself: Is this "no" about the child’s schedule, or is it about a past hurt between us? Professor Nick Bala’s research reminds us that children are hyper-aware of "legalistic" fighting. If you push back with "it’s my right," you are entering the zone that children later resent.2. The "Soft Pivot" Response If the co-parent refuses the trade, try a response that focuses entirely on the child’s experience rather than the calendar.The Script: "I understand those dates don't work for you. My main goal is to make sure [Child's Name] doesn't feel the 'gap' of being away from you for so long. Is there a different set of dates next month that would help them feel reconnected with you? I’m open to your suggestions." 3. Use the "ACEs" Lens Remember the Adverse Childhood Experiences research. Your goal is to prevent Toxic Stress.The Conflict is the Adversity: It is often better for a child to miss a few days of a vacation than to witness a three-week explosive battle between parents. The Solution: If a trade is flatly refused, document the offer and the refusal calmly. Bring this to your PC.4. How Parenting Coordination Helps A PC acts as a "buffer" in these moments. Instead of a "No" becoming a "War," the PC can:<ul><li>Analyze the Refusal: Is it based on a legitimate scheduling conflict or "gatekeeping"?</li><li>Mediate a Compromise: Find a third option that neither parent saw.</li><li>Focus on the Child: Remind both parties of Dr. Joan Kelly’s findings—that the child’s adjustment depends on low conflict more than the exact number of hours on a page. &nbsp; The "De-escalation Checklist" for Parents</li></ul>[ ] Wait 24 Hours: Never reply to a "No" while your heart rate is elevated. [ ] Remove the "I" and "You": Re-read your draft. Does it say "I want" or "The child needs"? [ ] Focus on the Long Game: Will this argument matter when your child is 25? (Bala’s research says they will only remember the tension). [ ] Contact your PC: If you’ve reached an impasse, let the professional help you find the child-centric path forward.

The Gift of Time Trades- Template Included

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Navigating High-Risk Dynamics with Safety and TransparencyIn cases involving family violence—whether physical, psychological, or financial—the goal shifts from "simple communication" to active containment. My role is to remain strictly impartial toward parents while being fiercely partial to the Best Interests of the Child.Our methodology is designed to ensure the PC process itself does not become a tool for further harm.1. Managing the Dynamic: The "String-Puller" vs. The "Reactive" ParentFamily violence often manifests as a power imbalance. One party may be "pulling the strings" through subtle manipulation, while the other is "reacting" to perceived or real threats.Boundary Management: To remain effective, I avoid over-engaging with one party’s reactivity at the expense of the other's manipulation. The Power of Shuttle MediationWhile joint sessions are a goal, we often utilize separate (shuttle) sessions to prevent the PC process from being used as a platform for intimidation. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The integrity of this process is paramount. If I determine the PC process is perpetuating family violence or that I can no longer safely control the dynamic, I have a professional duty to withdraw.2. The Essential Role of the Counsellor In violence-involved files, nervous systems are often stuck in "survival mode." This is why mandatory individual counselling is a pillar of my process.I rely on your clinical professionals to help you move from a state of hyper-vigilance to a state where you can engage in business-like, child-focused negotiation. My job is the process; your counsellor’s job is your regulation. We use these professionals to ensure that our sessions aren't spent managing trauma responses, but rather making progress for your children.3. Defining Violence and Measuring CapacityThe legal definition of family violence is broad—it includes psychological and financial abuse, which are present in almost every high-conflict PC file. However, my assessment focuses on two critical factors:<ul><li>Severity: The impact of the behavior on the children and the co-parenting dynamic.</li><li>Malleability: The ability of a parent to learn new skills, respect boundaries, and move toward a non-violent interaction model.</li></ul>4. Radical Transparency and ReportingA fair process requires an audit trail. To prevent "he-said/she-said" escalations, our process is fully documented and transparent:<ul><li>Detailed Records: All activities are recorded and summarized.</li><li>Clear Goals: We outline specific objectives for every stage of the process.</li><li>Accountability: Detailed accounts and reports ensure that both parents—and the Court—can see exactly how decisions were reached. &nbsp; 5. Efficient Resolution by Short-Form Determinations When coaching and mediation fail to resolve an issue, a decision must be made to protect the child’s stability. To save families the exhaustion of prolonged legal battles, I offer Short Form Determinations. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">These are streamlined, enforceable decisions that focus on:</li><li>The Core Issue: Stripping away the "noise" to find the key facts.</li><li>The Law: Centered on the Best Interests of the Child (s. 37 FLA).</li><li>The Result: A final, binding decision that can be filed as a Court Order. Note on Fairness: If a party wishes to have a Short Form Determination reviewed by the Court, they must provide the necessary retainer for me to expand the facts and analysis. This ensures that the initial process remains low-cost and efficient for the family, while still allowing for judicial oversight.</li></ul>

Parnting Coordination in Family Violence Cases

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In my practice as a Parenting Coordinator, I often describe my role as a "supportive helper." I am here to walk alongside parents as they navigate the often-stormy waters of reorganization. My goal is to provide a map, a compass, and a safe harbor.However, for a harbor to be safe, it must have clear boundaries. Today, I want to talk about Privacy and Emotional Safety—not as legal concepts, but as fundamental acts of love for your children.The "Private Container" of the PC Process When we enter into Parenting Coordination, we sign the Standard Roster Participation Agreement as modified by your order and my practice. This isn't just paperwork; it is a promise to create a "sacred container" where we can speak freely and work toward healing.A vital part of this contract is that no one may record any portion of our meetings and no unauthorized listening in. True growth requires vulnerability. If a parent is secretly recording, or if there is an "invisible participant" listening in the background on a speakerphone, that vulnerability—and the safety of the process—disappears. Privacy is the soil in which resolution grows.Protecting the Digital and Physical Home Our homes should be a sanctuary for our children. In our communication agreements, we often discuss "digital hygiene." This is a basic parental responsibility to keep your child emotionally safe:<ul><li>Passwords: Keep iPhones and computers locked with passwords your children do not have.</li><li>The "Desk" Rule: Children should never stumble upon Court documents or legal emails left on a kitchen table or desk. A child’s job is to play, learn, and grow. When they see the "machinery" of litigation, it steals a piece of their childhood. Keeping these documents out of sight is a simple, powerful way to say, "I’ve got this; you just focus on being a kid."</li></ul>From "Voice of the Child" to "Little Warriors" There is a profound difference between a child having a voice and a child having a job.<ul><li>Healthy Participation: When a child shares their perspective on things that affect them, they feel seen and respected.</li><li>The "Little Warrior": When a parent superimposes their own position onto a child, the child feels forced to become an advocate. As a Parenting Coordinator, "triangulation"—where a child is used as a messenger or a shield—is one of my deepest concerns. When a child becomes a "warrior" for one parent against the other, they aren't being empowered; they are being burdened. It is an immature dynamic that can cause lasting emotional harm.</li></ul>A Path of Learning and Accountability My process is built on respect, coaching, and care. When I see these behaviors, my first step is always Education. I want to help you understand the "why" and coach you toward healthier habits.However, we must be clear: if, after education and coaching, these behaviors continue, they move into the realm of emotional harm. Parenting Coordination is, ultimately, Parent-Led Child Protection. If the sanctuary of the child cannot be protected through cooperation, the process moves toward enforcement:<ul><li>Education and Coaching: We learn a better way together.</li><li>Behavioral Agreements: We set firm "steps" to ensure safety.</li><li>Enforcement and Return to Court: If child abuse (in the form of emotional triangulation) continues, the matter may return to Court. This can lead to mandatory counseling, a change in parental responsibilities, or even a reduction in parenting time.</li></ul>I am here to help you put down the "evidence folders" and the recording devices so you can pick up the joy of parenting. Let’s work together to ensure your child’s only job is to be a child.

Little Warriors and Secret Recordings: Why Privacy is a Parental Responsibility

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When parents enter Parenting Coordination (PC), they often say they want peace. They say they want the conflict to stop for the sake of their children. Yet, when presented with the tools to achieve that peace—Zoom conferences, educational readings, or structured communication—many resist.They choose the "scorched earth" path: the 3:00 AM adversarial email, the blame-shifting, and the refusal to engage in person-to-person dialogue.Why is it so hard to let go, even when we know the conflict is destroying our children’s childhoods? The answer lies in the survival centers of the human brain.1. The Biology of Betrayal When the person you loved and trusted most in the world hurts you, the brain doesn’t just process it as a "sad event." It processes it as a threat to survival. The amygdala—the brain's alarm system—goes into a permanent state of "red alert." When you are in this state, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for logic, parenting, and long-term planning) effectively goes offline.In this "Limbic Hijack," you aren't thinking about your child’s soccer schedule; you are thinking about survival. This is why parents choose "scorched earth" tactics. Punishment feels like protection.2. The Addiction to the Conflict Neuroscience shows that high-conflict interactions can actually become addictive. Anger provides a surge of adrenaline and cortisol. For some, the intense "fight" with an ex-partner is the only way they know how to maintain a connection to that person, even if that connection is toxic.Resistance to Parenting Coordination often stems from a fear of letting go of that "drug." To move to a Zoom call or a civil conversation is to lose the protective armor of the keyboard.Emails allow us to dehumanize the other party. Screens and text provide a "buffer" where we can lob grenades without seeing the shrapnel hit.3. Why We Resist the "Work" We see it often: clients refuse to attend Zoom calls or ignore free educational resources. Why? Because healing requires emotional regulation, and emotional regulation is exhausting.It is much easier to blame, criticize, and send a ten-paragraph email than it is to sit in the discomfort of your own triggers and choose a different response. However, emotional regulation is not an optional "extra"—it is a vital life skill. If you do not model it, your children cannot learn it.4. The Cost of the "Email Path" The preference for adversarial emailing over direct conversation isn't just emotionally damaging; it’s inefficient.<ul><li>Financial Drain: It takes hours of legal fees to resolve a dispute via email that could be settled in a 10-minute moderated conversation.</li><li>Time Theft: Every hour spent crafting an "argument" is an hour stolen from your children’s peace.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Hard Truth: Whether or not there is a personality disorder involved, the result is the same. High conflict destroys the "attachment security" children need to thrive.</li></ul> Choosing a New Path Parenting Coordination is designed to break the cycle of the "scorched earth" mentality. It requires you to step out of the past—out of the betrayal and the hurt—and into a business-like, child-focused future.It’s time to ask yourself: Do I love my children more than I hate my ex? If the answer is yes, then the path forward requires healing, communicating, and finally putting down the weapons.

Do You Really Want Change? The Neuroscience of High-Conflict Divorce

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As a Parenting Coordinator, one of the most heartbreaking patterns I witness is when well-intentioned (or sometimes, not-so-well-intentioned) parenting agreements inadvertently place children in an impossible position. This often manifests as a "loyalty conflict," a subtle yet profoundly damaging dynamic for a child caught between two parents.While decades of research, from pioneers like Dr. Joan Kelly and numerous other child development experts, consistently show that children thrive with two involved parents (absent serious abuse), this doesn't mean parents need to be perfect. What children do need is to be shielded from their parents' conflict. Unfortunately, some common parenting orders do precisely the opposite.What is a Loyalty Conflict? A loyalty conflict occurs when a child feels pressured, directly or indirectly, to choose one parent over the other, to take sides, or to keep secrets to protect or please a parent. It forces a child to compromise their own needs and feelings to maintain peace or perceived approval from a parent.Imagine a child’s heart as a bridge connecting them to both parents. In a loyalty conflict, that bridge is under strain, sometimes even feeling like it's collapsing.The Harm of "Child-Initiated Contact" Orders One of the most frequent and damaging examples of a loyalty conflict I encounter are court orders or agreements that state: "The child shall call the other parent."While this might sound like it promotes the child's autonomy and relationship with the other parent, in high-conflict situations, it is often devastating:The Child as Messenger/Referee: The child is burdened with managing the adult relationship. If they don't call, they fear disappointing the absent parent. If they do call, they may feel guilty or disloyal to the parent they are currently with. Parental "Scorekeeping": Parents might subtly (or overtly) track if the child calls, making comments like, "Did you call Dad today?" or "Mom was hoping you'd call." This weaponizes the child's natural desire to connect and turns it into a test of loyalty. No Safe Space: Children need to feel unconditionally loved and safe in both homes. When forced to initiate contact, their downtime becomes another source of anxiety. They lose the ability to simply be a child. Misinterpretation of Silence: A child's reluctance to call might be due to a genuine loyalty conflict, not a lack of desire to speak to the other parent. It can be misinterpreted as rejection, further straining relationships. Other Examples of Loyalty Conflicts in High-Conflict Cases: "Go tell your Mom/Dad...": Using a child to convey messages between parents. "What did you do at Mom/Dad's house?": Interrogating a child for information about the other parent's home or activities. "We don't talk about X around Mom/Dad": Forcing a child to keep secrets from a parent. "Do you want to go to Dad's, or would you rather stay with me?": Making a child choose between residences, especially for non-scheduled time. Derogatory Comments: Making negative remarks about the other parent in the child's presence. Shifting the Onus: Responsible Parent-Led Contact The responsibility for facilitating a child's relationship with the other parent rests squarely on the parents' shoulders, not the child's. Here's how effective co-parenting agreements, guided by a Parenting Coordinator, address this:Parents Make the Call:Scheduled Parent-Initiated Calls: "Parent A shall call the child at Parent B's residence every Tuesday and Thursday between 6:00 PM and 6:30 PM." This removes the burden from the child. Parent B's Role: "The parent with the child shall ensure the child is available and encouraged to speak with the other parent during the designated call window. This includes minimizing distractions and ensuring privacy." Designated Communication Methods (Parent-to-Parent):Secure Platforms: Using co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard for scheduling, sharing information, and communication logs. This centralizes communication and reduces direct, high-conflict exchanges. No Child as Messenger: Explicitly stating that children are not to be used to relay messages between parents. Positive Encouragement, Not Pressure:"The parent with the child shall speak positively about the child's time with the other parent and encourage the child to enjoy their time and activities." "Parents shall refrain from questioning the child about the other parent's activities or personal life." Protecting Your Child's Heart As a Parenting Coordinator, my role is to help parents navigate these complexities and, crucially, to safeguard their children from the invisible wounds of loyalty conflicts. By implementing clear, child-focused protocols, we can move beyond damaging orders that place undue burden on children and instead build a framework that supports healthy development and genuine connection with both parents.If you are struggling with a high-conflict co-parenting situation, or if your current orders are inadvertently harming your child, please contact me for a confidential consultation. Let’s work together to protect your child’s right to simply be a child.

When "Child's Choice" Becomes a Child's Burden: Understanding Loyalty Conflicts in High-Conflict Co-Parenting

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In the storm of a high-conflict separation, it is natural for parents to feel a deep sense of insecurity. You may live in fear of criticism—from your co-parent, the courts, or even your child’s therapist. You might worry that a counselor is "grading" your parenting or preparing to pick a side in your dispute.As your Parenting Coordinator, my role is to help you move past these insecurities by developing an automatic habit. This is the habit of using Section 37 of the Family Law Act as the sole compass for every decision you make.When it comes to therapy, there is only one way to parent: by putting the child's best interests first, as defined by the law. By focusing on the process rather than the conflict, we create a stable environment where your child can heal.1. Section 37: Your Only Compass Under the Family Law Act, the sole consideration in determining the best interests of a child is the child's health and safety. This includes their emotional well-being and their fundamental need for stability.The Clinical Reality: Professional child counselors are not there to "grade" you. Their expertise is in child development, not parent shaming. They are looking to see how the child is navigating their world, not looking for a "better" parent.The Biological Necessity: A fundamental pillar of Parenting Coordination is the biological and emotional necessity of both parents. A counselor’s goal is to protect the child’s right to love both of you. When you focus solely on Section 37 factors, you realize the counselor is an ally to the child’s development, not a judge of the adult's past. 2. Why Unilateral Decisions Breach the Harbor For a child to heal, therapy must be a Safe Harbor—a space entirely removed from the parental battlefield. When a parent secretly hires a therapist or changes counselors without consent, they are often acting out of insecurity rather than the Section 37 factors. This breach of transparency creates a "loyalty bind" that is objectively harmful to a child.<ul><li>Transparency is Safety: If a child must keep their therapy a secret from one parent, or if they feel Parent B is "against" the counselor, their anxiety increases. Stability and transparency are core requirements for a child to feel safe.</li><li>The Therapist’s Ethics: Ethical counselors avoid "splitting" (working with only one side of the family) because they know it compromises the child’s progress. A counselor must be free from the fear of being used as a weapon in litigation. They must never be forced to "pick" between parents, as a child has a core need to thrive in both homes. </li></ul>3. Training the Automatic Habit The goal of Parenting Coordination is to help you develop the habit of child-centered parenting until it becomes second nature. This means staying out of the counselor's way so they can focus on the child’s internal growth:<ul><li>Emotional Regulation: Teaching the child how to manage big emotions without being overwhelmed.</li><li>Resiliency: Helping the child learn that they can survive and thrive through family transitions.</li><li>Reframing the Problem: Frequently, parents treat the child as the "problem" to be fixed. </li></ul>However, Section 37 reminds us that a child’s distress is often a symptom of parental conflict. By following the PC process and lowering the "noise," you allow the child to focus on their own resiliency rather than your dispute. 4. Protecting the Sacred Space To stay compliant with the Best Interests of the Child, therapy must remain a space where the child is shielded from adult stressors.Don't Interrogate: Avoid asking the child what they said in session. Let the harbor remain private and safe. Don't Recruit: Do not try to win the therapist over to your "side." The moment a therapist feels like a potential witness, they can no longer effectively be a healer. Support the Process: My goal is to support your best efforts to follow these guidelines. There is only one way to parent successfully in this process: by adhering to the legal factors of Section 37 and the professional guidelines of our agreement. The Bottom Line: Consistency is the Cure Every parent wants the best for their child, but "the best" is not a matter of personal opinion—it is a matter of law and habit. In the PC process, we define success through stability and predictability. When communication is professional and decisions are made transparently through the lens of Section 37, the child's world stops shaking.

Cori L. McGuire Parenting Coordinator

Blog

The Gift of Time Trades- Template Included

Parnting Coordination in Family Violence Cases

Little Warriors and Secret Recordings: Why Privacy is a P...

Do You Really Want Change? The Neuroscience of High-Confl...

When "Child's Choice" Becomes a Child's Burden: Understan...

The Safe Harbor: Why Your Child's Therapy Requires a "Uni...