Why Wasn't I Told? When the Real Problem Isn't the Activity but the Consultation Process

A father asked me what he should do when his co-parent repeatedly makes decisions without consulting him first. His examples included arranging guitar lessons and then asking him to contribute financially after the arrangements had already been made, placing their child on a waitlist for an extracurricular activity without discussion beforehand, and selecting a dentist without any prior consultation. 

He described frustration and anger that consultation never seemed to occur until after decisions had already been made. What troubled him most was not the guitar lessons, the dentist, or the registration itself. It was a recurring feeling of exclusion from important decisions concerning his children. 

Many separated parents will immediately recognize themselves in this story. The natural reaction is to focus on the specific event and conclude that the problem is obvious. Someone should have consulted. Someone should have provided notice. Someone should have communicated better. Yet the longer I work with separated families, the more convinced I become that the issue is rarely the issue. 

On the surface, most disputes look ordinary. Parents disagree about swimming lessons, tutors, camps, orthodontists, counsellors, sports registrations, school activities, and countless other aspects of children's lives. The details vary tremendously from family to family, but the underlying pattern remains remarkably consistent. The names change, the activity changes, and the circumstances change, but the emotional experience often sounds exactly the same. 

"Why wasn't I told?" Is An Emotional Question Under the Legal Question

At first glance, the answer appears straightforward. Under s. 40(2) of the Family Law Act, parents who share parental responsibilities are generally expected to consult one another before important decisions are made. From a legal perspective, the issue seems easy to identify. In practice, however, the legal issue is often only the visible portion of the dispute. 

When parents repeatedly ask, "Why wasn't I told?", they are often asking a much deeper question. Why didn't my involvement matter? Why am I learning about this after everyone else already knew? Why do important decisions keep moving forward without me? Why do I feel as though I am constantly reacting instead of participating? The legal problem may be consultation. The emotional problem is often exclusion. 

Parents sometimes assume that consultation exists because the law expects separated parents to agree with one another. I do not believe that agreement is the primary purpose. Consultation reflects the reality that children generally benefit when both parents remain informed, involved, and engaged in important aspects of their lives. Children do not require parents who think alike, parent identically, or agree about every decision. What children need are parents who remain meaningfully involved. 

When one parent repeatedly learns about decisions after they have already been made, connection gradually begins to erode. The parent feels less informed, less involved, and less important. Over time, the disagreement stops being about the activity itself and starts becoming about whether one parent still feels like a meaningful participant in their child's life. 

This is why seemingly minor disputes can become so emotionally charged. The swimming lesson is rarely about swimming. The tutor is rarely about tutoring. The camp registration is rarely about camp. The activity often becomes a symbol for a larger concern about involvement, relevance, and participation. 

There Is Very Little Learning During a Crisis

For many years, I assumed that consultation failures occurred because parents did not understand consultation. If people better understood the law, appreciated the impact on their children, and learned more effective communication strategies, surely the conflict would gradually improve. Experience has made me less certain. 

Most parents already know they should consult. Most understand that unresolved conflict affects their children. Most are aware that involving the other parent before making important decisions will often prevent future disputes. Yet many continue repeating the same patterns. 

I do not think this happens because people are unintelligent, careless, or incapable of learning. I think it happens because there is very little learning during a crisis. Parents rarely wake up in the morning and consciously decide that they are going to ignore their obligation to consult.

What usually happens is far less deliberate. A registration deadline approaches. An appointment becomes available. A spot opens in a program. Someone worries that an opportunity will be lost. Someone anticipates an argument. Someone assumes the other parent will object. A decision gets made quickly and consultation is postponed until later. The problem is often not a lack of knowledge. The problem is the nervous system. 

I was reminded of this during the British Columbia wildfires when my home was evacuated. Even after the immediate danger had passed, my nervous system did not settle immediately. Intellectually, I knew I was safe. Physiologically, my body continued responding as though danger might still be present. I found myself watching for risk and anticipating problems long after the threat itself had disappeared. 

Separated parents often experience something similar. The relationship may be over, yet the nervous system does not always receive that message immediately. Fear of conflict, fear of loss, fear of exclusion, fear of irrelevance, fear of judgment, and fear of losing connection with a child can continue driving behaviour long after the original relationship has ended. 

The tragedy is that both parents are often suffering at the same time. Each sees their own fear more clearly than the fear of the other person. Each believes they are responding to a threat. Each reacts in ways that unintentionally create more distress for everyone involved, including the children. What develops is an expensive and emotionally exhausting win-lose game where both parents pay a significant price and children's emotional well-being often becomes collateral damage. 

The Real Work of Parenting Coordination

This understanding changed how I think about parenting coordination. I still believe education matters. Parents need information. They need to understand consultation, communication, implementation, and decision-making. What I no longer believe is that education alone produces lasting change. 

There is very little learning when people are operating from fear, panic, anger, or emotional survival. A nervous system focused on protection is not focused on growth. Repeating the rules over and over again may increase understanding, but understanding rarely changes behaviour by itself. 

People often do not change because they know more; they change because the system around them makes the desired behaviour easier, clearer, and more predictable. That insight sits at the centre of how I think about parenting coordination. 

Borrowing Structure Until Healing Happens

In many ways, Parenting Coordinators provide temporary structure while parents rebuild the ability to make decisions together. We are not healing every emotional injury. We are helping families function while healing gradually occurs. 

That structure can take many forms. It may involve proposal forms that require parents to identify the activity, costs, schedule, transportation requirements, deadlines, and anticipated commitments before registration occurs. It may involve consultation worksheets that ensure information is exchanged before decisions are made. It may involve communication protocols that encourage parents to address one issue at a time rather than reopening every disagreement from the past. 

Other forms of structure include implementation checklists, response deadlines, structured consultation processes within platforms such as Our Family Wizard, issue-specific proposal templates, and systems that shift discussions away from accusations and toward practical decision-making. These tools may appear simple, but simplicity is often their strength. The objective is not bureaucracy. The objective is predictability. 

A structured process helps carry part of the emotional load when people are struggling. A proposal form remembers information that a stressed brain may forget. A checklist slows down impulsive decisions. A consultation process creates a pause between reaction and action. Structure allows parents to follow a predictable path even when emotions remain high. In many cases, the structure is doing work that the relationship cannot yet do for itself. 

Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over

One reason I have become increasingly interested in these systems is that many parents are not actually having new disputes. They are having the same dispute repeatedly. The swimming lesson becomes the tutor. The tutor becomes the camp. The camp becomes the orthodontist. The orthodontist becomes the school activity. The details change, but the pattern remains remarkably familiar. 

One parent acts first and consults later. The other parent feels excluded. Conflict follows. The issue is discussed, debated, resolved, and eventually forgotten. Months later, an entirely different decision recreates exactly the same dynamic. 

My goal is not simply to resolve today's disagreement. It is to help families stop having the same disagreement six months from now. Meaningful progress occurs when parents gradually replace reaction with process, crisis with predictability, and fear with structure. 

Which brings me back to the father's question. He thought he was asking about a guitar lesson, a waitlist, a dentist, and an extracurricular registration. In reality, he was asking a question that millions of separated parents have asked before him: "Why wasn't I told?" The legal answer may be consultation. The emotional answer may be exclusion. The practical answer, however, is often structure. When people are hurting, frightened, dysregulated, or overwhelmed, information alone rarely changes behaviour. Structure often does.

"Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over. Parenting Coordination for Parents Who Are Stuck."

Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998. 

© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

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