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Extreme close-up of coins, currency, calculator, and financial education charts arranged on linen surface with natural lighting

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Many parents believe Parenting Coordination becomes expensive because Parenting Coordinators charge high fees. In my experience, that is usually not the problem. The real cost driver is process. More specifically, the real cost driver is what happens when a Parenting Coordinator asks a direct implementation question and a parent responds with everything except an answer to that question.&nbsp;<h3>The Myth: "The Parenting Coordinator Is Too Expensive"</h3>Parents sometimes become frustrated with Parenting Coordination fees and conclude that the Parenting Coordinator is creating unnecessary expense. Most Parenting Coordinators charge for professional time actually spent on a file. The question is therefore not whether the hourly rate is expensive. The question is what is consuming the time.&nbsp;In many cases, the issue itself is not complicated. The expensive part is the process required to obtain the information necessary to resolve it.&nbsp;<h3>A Simple Issue Should Require a Simple Answer</h3>Imagine a Parenting Coordinator asks: “If the child misses parenting time for a special event, what replacement parenting days would you like instead?” A responsive answer might be: “I would like December 23, two Spring Break days, and the October Pro-D Day”. That answer may be accepted, rejected, negotiated, or modified. But it moves the file forward.&nbsp;Now imagine a five-page email discussing:&nbsp;<ul><li>historical grievances;</li><li>what happened three years ago;</li><li>what the previous Parenting Coordinator thought;</li><li>why the schedule was unfair;</li><li>transportation difficulties;</li><li>literacy theories;</li><li>why the other parent is unreasonable; jurisdiction concerns;</li><li>complaints about the process.</li></ul>The email may contain many words. Yet the Parenting Coordinator still does not know which replacement dates are being requested. The issue remains unresolved. The Parenting Coordinator must then spend more time seeking clarification.&nbsp;<h3>The Part Clients Never See</h3>Many parents assume Parenting Coordinators only bill for reading emails. That is not how Parenting Coordination works.&nbsp;When an email is received, the Parenting Coordinator must often: <ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Read the email.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Determine what issue is actually being raised.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Compare the email to earlier communications.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Determine whether the email answers the question asked.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Decide whether further clarification is required.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Draft a response.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Record the communication in the file.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Account for the time.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Later summarize the communication in a report and account.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Assess whether the communication advanced or delayed resolution.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Explain the process history if a determination becomes necessary.</li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Explain any fee reapportionment decisions that may result.</li></ul>A single non-responsive email can therefore generate several separate professional tasks. The resulting cost is not created by the Parenting Coordinator. It is created by the process required to deal with the communication.&nbsp;<h3>The Difference Between Participation and Process Consumption</h3>Every parent has the right to disagree, to be heard &nbsp;and to advance a position. However, those rights do not include an unlimited right to consume Parenting Coordinator resources discussing issues that do not assist in resolving the active dispute.&nbsp;There is a difference between: "I disagree, and here is my proposal." and "I disagree, and here are fifteen reasons why I disagree, but I am not going to answer the question." The first response advances the file. The second response consumes the process.&nbsp;<h3>Why Reapportionment Exists</h3>Many parents mistakenly believe that Parenting Coordinator fees must always be shared equally. That is not necessarily correct. Equal allocation and fair allocation are not always the same thing. Most Parenting Coordinator agreements and appointments permit fees to be reapportioned where one parent's conduct requires disproportionate Parenting Coordinator involvement.&nbsp;Reapportionment is not a punishment. It is an attempt to allocate costs where they were actually generated. A parent should not ordinarily have to pay half the cost of:&nbsp;<ul><li>repeated clarification requests;</li><li>repeated process instructions;</li><li>repeated explanations of the same issue;</li><li>repeated requests for information that should have been provided the first time. </li></ul>Where the Parenting Coordinator is required to spend significant additional time obtaining responsive information, fairness may require the costs associated with that additional process to be allocated differently.&nbsp;<h3>The Parenting Coordination Paradox</h3>One of the most common complaints I hear is: "The Parenting Coordinator is costing too much money."Sometimes the same parent making that complaint is also:&nbsp;<ul><li>sending lengthy emails;</li><li>revisiting issues already addressed;</li><li>refusing to provide requested information;</li><li>raising collateral issues;</li><li>requiring multiple rounds of clarification;</li><li>forcing the Parenting Coordinator to explain the same point repeatedly. The result is a paradox. The parent complains about cost while simultaneously creating the cost.&nbsp;</li></ul><h3>The Fastest Way to Reduce Your Parenting Coordination Fees</h3>If you want to minimize Parenting Coordination fees, do the following: When the Parenting Coordinator asks a question, answer that question. If replacement dates are requested, provide dates. If a schedule proposal is requested, provide a schedule proposal. If supporting information is requested, provide supporting information. Do not assume that a lengthy narrative is equivalent to a responsive answer. The most cost-effective email is often the shortest one.&nbsp;<h3>A Final Thought</h3>Parents often believe the outcome of a Parenting Coordination file depends on who writes the longest email. It does not. Parenting Coordinators are not deciding who writes the best essay. They are deciding implementation issues.&nbsp;The parent who most effectively assists the process is rarely the parent who sends the longest submission. It is usually the parent who answers the question asked, provides the information requested, and proposes practical solutions.&nbsp;Those parents generally spend less on Parenting Coordination, resolve issues more quickly, and achieve better outcomes for their children. Ultimately that is what the Parenting Coordination process is designed to accomplish.Link to other fees articles:&nbsp;<a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-co-parent-obstructs-the-pc-process" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-co-parent-obstructs-the-pc-process"></a><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/reapportionment-of-parenting-coordination-fees-in-british-columbia" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/reapportionment-of-parenting-coordination-fees-in-british-columbia">Reapportionment of Parenting Coordination Fees in British Columbia</a><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-is-structured-to-contain-fees" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-is-structured-to-contain-fees">How Parenting Coordination Is Structured to Contain Fees</a><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-to-reduce-parenting-coordination-fees--why-parenting-coordination-becomes-expensive-and-what-parents-can-do-about-it" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-to-reduce-parenting-coordination-fees--why-parenting-coordination-becomes-expensive-and-what-parents-can-do-about-it">How to Reduce Parenting Coordination Fees: Why Parenting Coordination Becomes Expensive and What Parents Can Do About It</a>Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp; © 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

Parenting Coordination Fees Explained: The Cost of Repetition, Not Resolution

Close-up of mediator and client hands across conference table during active mediation discussion with legal pad

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most important lessons I have learned after many years of parenting coordination is that the most difficult disputes are often not about parenting time, decision-making, schooling, activities, exchanges, or communication. Those issues may be the topics that bring parents into the process, but they are not always the issues that consume the most time. In many high-conflict files, the real challenge becomes managing the process itself. Parents can become so focused on discussing how the Parenting Coordinator should operate that they stop using the process to solve the parenting problem that brought them there in the first place.&nbsp; This is not a criticism of parents. High-conflict separation often leaves people feeling anxious, uncertain, and distrustful. It is understandable that parents want to know how decisions will be made, how the Parenting Coordinator's authority operates, how fees are charged, and what procedures will apply. Those questions are legitimate. The difficulty arises when a process question has been answered, the answer has been explained, resources have been provided, and the same issue continues to return in slightly different forms. At that point, the discussion often stops advancing the interests of the child and starts consuming resources that were intended to help the child.&nbsp;<h3>Process Questions Are Important </h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">I encourage parents to learn about the parenting coordination process. In fact, one of the most effective ways to reduce conflict and save money is to understand the structure governing the process from the outset. Parents who understand the Parenting Coordinator's role, authority, limitations, and procedures are often able to navigate disputes more effectively and avoid misunderstandings that can create unnecessary conflict.&nbsp;For that reason, I have invested hundreds of hours into extensive written resources made available to the public for free. General information about parenting coordination, conflict management, communication, family dispute resolution, and related topics can be found at <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library</a>. More detailed information organized by parenting coordination subject matter can be found at <a data-mce-href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library" href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library">https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library</a>. Questions concerning the Parenting Coordinator's authority, jurisdiction, procedures, billing practices, participation agreement, and governing contractual framework are addressed in detail at <a data-mce-href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/roster-contract-explained" href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/roster-contract-explained">https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/roster-contract-explained</a>.&nbsp;These resources exist because many process questions arise repeatedly from file to file. Rather than requiring every parent to pay for individualized explanations of the same issues, comprehensive answers have already been prepared and made available. Parents are encouraged to review these materials carefully before raising process concerns that have already been addressed in writing.&nbsp;<h3>The Pattern That Sometimes Develops</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Most Parenting Coordinators eventually observe a recurring pattern in certain files. A parent asks a process question. The question is answered. The answer is explained. The parent is directed to the appropriate agreement, webpage, or resource. The issue appears to be resolved.&nbsp; A short time later, the same concern returns. It may be framed slightly differently. A hypothetical example may be introduced. A variation of the question may be asked. A concern that was already addressed may be revisited from another angle. The discussion gradually shifts away from the parenting issue requiring implementation and toward the process itself.&nbsp;Eventually, something remarkable occurs. The file may contain extensive correspondence, significant professional time, and substantial expense, yet little progress has been made on the actual parenting issue. The parents are no longer using the process. They are debating the process. What began as a dispute about parenting has become a dispute about parenting coordination.&nbsp;<h3>Why Repetition Creates Cost Without Creating Solutions</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Every communication directed to a Parenting Coordinator requires professional attention. Emails must be reviewed. Questions must be considered. Responses must be drafted. Communications must be documented. Decisions must be made about whether a response is necessary and whether the issue falls within the Parenting Coordinator's jurisdiction.&nbsp; As a result, repeated discussions about matters that have already been addressed can generate significant expense without producing any corresponding benefit for the child. The parties may be paying for time spent revisiting the same process issues rather than resolving the parenting issues that originally required intervention. The Parenting Coordinator is working, but the work is not advancing implementation. The result is that retainers diminish while the underlying conflict remains unresolved.&nbsp;This is one reason why process management is such an important aspect of parenting coordination. Left unchecked, repetitive process discussions can consume the resources that were intended to assist families. What appears to be a simple question can lead to multiple rounds of correspondence, further clarification requests, additional explanations, and ongoing debate. The cumulative effect can be substantial.&nbsp;<h3>This Is Not About Determining Motives</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When a Parenting Coordinator limits further discussion of a process issue, it is important not to assume that this reflects a finding that a parent has acted improperly. In most cases, the Parenting Coordinator does not need to determine why a question is being asked repeatedly. Some parents are genuinely anxious. Some need reassurance. Some are struggling to trust the process because of previous litigation experiences. Others may sincerely believe that additional explanation will eventually provide the certainty they are seeking.&nbsp; In some cases, process discussions may also be used strategically. A parent may not consciously view their behaviour this way, but repeated challenges to the process can delay implementation, consume resources, create leverage, and shift attention away from the substantive parenting issue. From a process perspective, however, the Parenting Coordinator often does not need to decide which explanation is correct. The practical question is much simpler: Is the communication helping implement parenting arrangements, or is it merely creating additional discussion about matters that have already been addressed? <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The answer to that question determines how the process should be managed.&nbsp;<h3>Why Some Process Questions May Receive No Further Response</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most misunderstood aspects of parenting coordination is the belief that every communication requires a substantive response. In reality, effective process management sometimes requires the opposite approach. Once a process question has been asked, answered, explained, and supported with references to the governing agreement and available resources, there may be little value in continuing the discussion.&nbsp; At that point, the answer already exists. The participation agreement has not changed. The Parenting Coordinator's authority has not changed. The applicable procedures have not changed. The parent has been directed to the relevant materials, including the kelownalawyer.com Resource Library, Parenting Coordinator BC Resource Library, and Roster Contract Explained.&nbsp;When a vague or repetitive process question concerns a matter that has already been addressed, no further substantive response may be provided. The communication may still be reviewed. It may still be noted in the file. It may still be factually recorded in reports and accounts. However, additional correspondence is not generated simply because the same process issue has been raised again.&nbsp;This is not a punishment. It is not a finding of bad faith. It is not an attempt to silence a parent. It is a structural boundary designed to prevent the parenting coordination process from becoming an expensive and endless discussion about itself.&nbsp;<h3>Structure Protects Children, Parents, and the Process</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most important insights I have gained from years of parenting coordination is that children benefit when the process remains focused on implementation. They do not benefit when professional resources are consumed by repetitive debates about procedure. Parents may understandably wish for certainty and reassurance, but certainty ultimately comes from understanding and using the structure rather than continually questioning it.&nbsp; The most successful files are rarely the files where parents agree about everything. They are usually the files where parents eventually accept the structure of the process. They use it. They move through it. They focus their energy on resolving parenting issues rather than negotiating how the Parenting Coordinator operates.&nbsp;Parenting coordination is ultimately intended to help children experience stability, consistency, and forward movement. The process can only achieve those goals if it remains focused on implementation. Answering a process question once is often helpful. Answering it repeatedly may simply generate fees without generating solutions. For that reason, one of the most effective ways to preserve resources and keep the focus on children is surprisingly simple: provide the answer, identify the relevant resource, direct the parent to the governing materials, and then continue the work of helping the family move forward.Read<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> next "<a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-works-in-my-practice--implementation--proportionality--and-process-management" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-works-in-my-practice--implementation--proportionality--and-process-management">How Parenting Coordination Works in My Practice: Implementation, Proportionality, and Process Management</a>". Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

When the Process Becomes the Conflict: Why Parenting Coordinators Must Sometimes Stop Answering Process Questions

Proud child standing in space-themed bedroom holding smartphone showing achievement badge with genuine smile

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">A father asked me what he should do when his co-parent repeatedly makes decisions without consulting him first. His examples included arranging guitar lessons and then asking him to contribute financially after the arrangements had already been made, placing their child on a waitlist for an extracurricular activity without discussion beforehand, and selecting a dentist without any prior consultation.&nbsp; He described frustration and anger that consultation never seemed to occur until after decisions had already been made. What troubled him most was not the guitar lessons, the dentist, or the registration itself. It was a recurring feeling of exclusion from important decisions concerning his children.&nbsp;Many separated parents will immediately recognize themselves in this story. The natural reaction is to focus on the specific event and conclude that the problem is obvious. Someone should have consulted. Someone should have provided notice. Someone should have communicated better. Yet the longer I work with separated families, the more convinced I become that the issue is rarely the issue.&nbsp;On the surface, most disputes look ordinary. Parents disagree about swimming lessons, tutors, camps, orthodontists, counsellors, sports registrations, school activities, and countless other aspects of children's lives. The details vary tremendously from family to family, but the underlying pattern remains remarkably consistent. The names change, the activity changes, and the circumstances change, but the emotional experience often sounds exactly the same.&nbsp;<h3>"Why wasn't I told?" Is An Emotional Question Under the Legal Question</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">At first glance, the answer appears straightforward. Under s. 40(2) of the Family Law Act, parents who share parental responsibilities are generally expected to consult one another before important decisions are made. From a legal perspective, the issue seems easy to identify. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In practice, however, the legal issue is often only the visible portion of the dispute.&nbsp;When parents repeatedly ask, "Why wasn't I told?", they are often asking a much deeper question. Why didn't my involvement matter? Why am I learning about this after everyone else already knew? Why do important decisions keep moving forward without me? Why do I feel as though I am constantly reacting instead of participating? <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The legal problem may be consultation. The emotional problem is often exclusion.&nbsp;Parents sometimes assume that consultation exists because the law expects separated parents to agree with one another. I do not believe that agreement is the primary purpose. Consultation reflects the reality that children generally benefit when both parents remain informed, involved, and engaged in important aspects of their lives. Children do not require parents who think alike, parent identically, or agree about every decision. What children need are parents who remain meaningfully involved.&nbsp;When one parent repeatedly learns about decisions after they have already been made, connection gradually begins to erode. The parent feels less informed, less involved, and less important. Over time, the disagreement stops being about the activity itself and starts becoming about whether one parent still feels like a meaningful participant in their child's life.&nbsp;This is why seemingly minor disputes can become so emotionally charged. The swimming lesson is rarely about swimming. The tutor is rarely about tutoring. The camp registration is rarely about camp. The activity often becomes a symbol for a larger concern about involvement, relevance, and participation.&nbsp;<h3>There Is Very Little Learning During a Crisis</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">For many years, I assumed that consultation failures occurred because parents did not understand consultation. If people better understood the law, appreciated the impact on their children, and learned more effective communication strategies, surely the conflict would gradually improve. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Experience has made me less certain.&nbsp;Most parents already know they should consult. Most understand that unresolved conflict affects their children. Most are aware that involving the other parent before making important decisions will often prevent future disputes. Yet many continue repeating the same patterns.&nbsp;I do not think this happens because people are unintelligent, careless, or incapable of learning. I think it happens because there is very little learning during a crisis. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Parents rarely wake up in the morning and consciously decide that they are going to ignore their obligation to consult. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">What usually happens is far less deliberate. A registration deadline approaches. An appointment becomes available. A spot opens in a program. Someone worries that an opportunity will be lost. Someone anticipates an argument. Someone assumes the other parent will object. A decision gets made quickly and consultation is postponed until later.&nbsp;The problem is often not a lack of knowledge. The problem is the nervous system.&nbsp;I was reminded of this during the British Columbia wildfires when my home was evacuated. Even after the immediate danger had passed, my nervous system did not settle immediately. Intellectually, I knew I was safe. Physiologically, my body continued responding as though danger might still be present. I found myself watching for risk and anticipating problems long after the threat itself had disappeared.&nbsp;Separated parents often experience something similar. The relationship may be over, yet the nervous system does not always receive that message immediately. Fear of conflict, fear of loss, fear of exclusion, fear of irrelevance, fear of judgment, and fear of losing connection with a child can continue driving behaviour long after the original relationship has ended.&nbsp;The tragedy is that both parents are often suffering at the same time. Each sees their own fear more clearly than the fear of the other person. Each believes they are responding to a threat. Each reacts in ways that unintentionally create more distress for everyone involved, including the children. What develops is an expensive and emotionally exhausting win-lose game where both parents pay a significant price and children's emotional well-being often becomes collateral damage.&nbsp;<h3>The Real Work of Parenting Coordination</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">This understanding changed how I think about parenting coordination. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">I still believe education matters. Parents need information. They need to understand consultation, communication, implementation, and decision-making. What I no longer believe is that education alone produces lasting change.&nbsp;There is very little learning when people are operating from fear, panic, anger, or emotional survival. A nervous system focused on protection is not focused on growth. Repeating the rules over and over again may increase understanding, but understanding rarely changes behaviour by itself.&nbsp;People often do not change because they know more; they change because the system around them makes the desired behaviour easier, clearer, and more predictable. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">That insight sits at the centre of how I think about parenting coordination.&nbsp;<h3>Borrowing Structure Until Healing Happens</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In many ways, Parenting Coordinators provide temporary structure while parents rebuild the ability to make decisions together. We are not healing every emotional injury. We are helping families function while healing gradually occurs.&nbsp; That structure can take many forms. It may involve proposal forms that require parents to identify the activity, costs, schedule, transportation requirements, deadlines, and anticipated commitments before registration occurs. It may involve consultation worksheets that ensure information is exchanged before decisions are made. It may involve communication protocols that encourage parents to address one issue at a time rather than reopening every disagreement from the past.&nbsp;Other forms of structure include implementation checklists, response deadlines, structured consultation processes within platforms such as Our Family Wizard, issue-specific proposal templates, and systems that shift discussions away from accusations and toward practical decision-making. These tools may appear simple, but simplicity is often their strength. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The objective is not bureaucracy. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The objective is predictability.&nbsp;A structured process helps carry part of the emotional load when people are struggling. A proposal form remembers information that a stressed brain may forget. A checklist slows down impulsive decisions. A consultation process creates a pause between reaction and action. Structure allows parents to follow a predictable path even when emotions remain high. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In many cases, the structure is doing work that the relationship cannot yet do for itself.&nbsp;<h3>Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One reason I have become increasingly interested in these systems is that many parents are not actually having new disputes. They are having the same dispute repeatedly. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The swimming lesson becomes the tutor. The tutor becomes the camp. The camp becomes the orthodontist. The orthodontist becomes the school activity. The details change, but the pattern remains remarkably familiar.&nbsp;One parent acts first and consults later. The other parent feels excluded. Conflict follows. The issue is discussed, debated, resolved, and eventually forgotten. Months later, an entirely different decision recreates exactly the same dynamic.&nbsp;My goal is not simply to resolve today's disagreement. It is to help families stop having the same disagreement six months from now. Meaningful progress occurs when parents gradually replace reaction with process, crisis with predictability, and fear with structure.&nbsp;Which brings me back to the father's question. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">He thought he was asking about a guitar lesson, a waitlist, a dentist, and an extracurricular registration. In reality, he was asking a question that millions of separated parents have asked before him: <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">"Why wasn't I told?" <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The legal answer may be consultation. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The emotional answer may be exclusion. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The practical answer, however, is often structure. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When people are hurting, frightened, dysregulated, or overwhelmed, information alone rarely changes behaviour. Structure often does.Read next <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">"<a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/can-one-parent-veto-a-child-s-extracurricular-activity" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/can-one-parent-veto-a-child-s-extracurricular-activity">Can One Parent Veto a Child's Extracurricular Activity?</a>" Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

Why Wasn't I Told? When the Real Problem Isn't the Activity but the Consultation Process

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Children Need Safe Transitions, Not High-Conflict Exchanges

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One of the most common disputes in separated families is not where a child will live, what school they will attend, or how holidays will be shared. Instead, parents often find themselves arguing about extracurricular activities. One parent wants the child enrolled in an activity, while the other disagrees, proposes an alternative, or resists participation altogether. The question that frequently follows is simple: can one parent simply say no? Although parents often believe they are arguing about an activity, the deeper issue is frequently whether the adults can successfully support the child's participation across two households.&nbsp; After nearly 30 years of helping separated families navigate conflict, I have become increasingly convinced that extracurricular disputes are often about implementation rather than the activity itself. Activities simply provide the setting in which larger disagreements about communication, cooperation, scheduling, decision-making, and parenting priorities become visible. When parents focus exclusively on whether an activity should proceed, they can sometimes overlook the more significant challenge that is actually preventing resolution.&nbsp;<h3>Why Extracurricular Activities Create Conflict After Separation</h3>Children's activities are designed around children's lives, not parenting schedules. Practices, games, lessons, performances, and competitions often occur during both parents' parenting time and may require transportation, equipment, fees, and ongoing communication. For families who are able to cooperate reasonably well, these challenges are manageable and become part of ordinary parenting. The child participates, develops skills, and benefits from the experience while parents make the adjustments necessary to support the activity.&nbsp; Conflict often emerges when participation requires accommodations that one parent is unwilling or unable to make. A parent may object to the time commitment, the disruption to weekends, the transportation requirements, or the need for ongoing coordination between households. Although the disagreement may appear to be about the activity itself, the tension often arises because participation requires a level of cooperation that the adults are struggling to achieve. In these situations, the activity frequently becomes a symptom of a larger co-parenting problem.&nbsp;<h3>Can One Parent Simply Say No to an Activity?</h3>The answer depends on the circumstances. Every child, activity, and parenting arrangement is different. Some activities may be financially unrealistic, involve excessive travel, create unreasonable scheduling demands, or simply not be suitable for a particular child. In those situations, objections may have little to do with conflict and much more to do with practicality.&nbsp; At the same time, Parenting Coordinators frequently encounter situations where an activity appears entirely reasonable. The child is interested, the costs are manageable, and the logistics can be accommodated with appropriate planning. In those cases, resistance may stem less from concerns about the activity and more from concerns about implementation. When that happens, the real question is no longer whether the activity is appropriate. The question becomes whether a child's opportunity should be lost because the adults are unable to support participation across two households.&nbsp;<h3>A Trauma-Informed Perspective on Co-Parenting Challenges</h3>As a trauma-informed Parenting Coordinator, I think it is important to acknowledge that cooperation can be genuinely difficult for some parents. Family histories may include family violence, coercive control, financial abuse, repeated dishonesty, intimidation, betrayal, or years of difficult litigation. Some parents may have very understandable reasons for finding interaction with the other parent stressful, overwhelming, or emotionally triggering. Those experiences should not be dismissed when considering why cooperation has become challenging.&nbsp; Parenting coordination is not based on the assumption that separated parents must trust one another, repair their relationship, or become friends. In many cases, those expectations are neither realistic nor necessary. The more practical question is whether enough structure can be put in place to support child-focused decision-making despite the ongoing conflict between the adults. One of the most important lessons I have learned throughout my career is that structure does not require trust. A well-designed process can sometimes accomplish what goodwill alone cannot.&nbsp;<h3>Should Parents Just Ask the Child?</h3>Many parents view this as the obvious solution. Children's views are important and should be considered whenever appropriate. However, determining a child's wishes is often far more complicated than many adults appreciate, particularly when younger children are involved. Children naturally absorb information from the adults around them and often know which answers will please a parent, reduce tension, or avoid disappointment.&nbsp; When children have been exposed to ongoing parental conflict, it can become difficult to separate their independent views from the family environment surrounding them. Some children feel pressure to choose sides. Others attempt to tell each parent what they believe that parent wants to hear. As Parenting Coordinators gain experience, many become increasingly cautious about placing children in the position of resolving disputes that adults are struggling to resolve themselves. Children's voices matter, but children should not become the decision-makers in adult disagreements.&nbsp;<h3>How Adult Conflict Affects Children's Activities</h3>Another recurring problem arises when parental conflict begins to spill into the child's activities. Coaches, teachers, instructors, and activity organizers sometimes become unwilling participants in family disputes. Parents may explain their grievances, justify their positions, or seek support from people who are simply trying to help children participate and succeed. While these actions are often driven by frustration, they rarely improve the situation for the child.&nbsp; Children attend activities to learn, develop confidence, build friendships, and enjoy themselves. They should not feel responsible for navigating competing parental narratives. Most parents underestimate how visible these disputes become to the people around their child. Teachers notice. Coaches notice. Other parents notice. Most importantly, children notice. The result can be embarrassment, divided loyalties, and unnecessary stress in an environment that should otherwise be positive and supportive.&nbsp;<h3>How Parenting Coordinators Approach Extracurricular Disputes</h3>Many people assume that a Parenting Coordinator's role is simply to determine which parent is right. In practice, the process usually begins by helping parents exchange information, identify concerns, and explore possible solutions. Agreements reached voluntarily are often preferable because parents are generally more likely to support outcomes they helped create. Consultation and collaborative problem-solving therefore play an important role in parenting coordination.&nbsp; However, consultation is not an end in itself. The purpose of consultation is implementation. One of the most important lessons in parenting coordination is that agreement and implementation are not the same thing. Parents can spend months discussing an issue and still fail to move the child forward. If the child never gets registered, never attends, or repeatedly loses opportunities because the adults remain stuck in conflict, the process has not achieved its purpose.&nbsp;Children continue growing while adults continue arguing. Registration deadlines pass, teams fill, programs begin, and opportunities disappear. For that reason, Parenting Coordinators must continually assess whether further discussion is likely to produce a workable outcome. If additional consultation is likely to help, it may be worthwhile. If not, a determination may be a more proportionate and child-focused response where the Parenting Coordinator has authority to address the issue under the applicable order or agreement.&nbsp;<h3>The Goal Is Not Winning the Activity Dispute</h3>After years of working with separated families, I have become convinced that extracurricular conflicts often reveal something much larger than disagreement about a particular activity. The activity changes from family to family, but the underlying challenge is often remarkably similar. The issue is not necessarily the activity itself. The issue is whether the adults presently have the capacity to support and implement the child's participation across two households.&nbsp; When that is the real issue, focusing exclusively on which activity should proceed can cause everyone to miss the more important question. The goal is not deciding which parent wins. The goal is ensuring that children can continue participating in the ordinary opportunities of childhood despite the challenges created by separation and conflict.&nbsp;Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

Can One Parent Veto a Child's Extracurricular Activity?

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Seek not so much to be understood as to understand.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">&nbsp;— Prayer of St. Francis&nbsp;There are certain words that become lifelong companions. Some people find them in literature, some in philosophy, and others in sacred texts. For me, the Prayer of St. Francis has occupied that place for as long as I can remember. I first encountered it as a young teenager and, even then, I found it profoundly moving. It spoke to something I could not yet fully articulate. Decades later, its significance has only deepened. It has accompanied me through difficult chapters of my personal life, periods of professional growth, experiences of disappointment and loss, and countless encounters with families struggling to find their way through conflict.&nbsp;What strikes me now is not simply the beauty of the prayer but the psychological wisdom embedded within it. As I have grown older, I have come to appreciate that many of the difficulties people experience in relationships arise from a struggle against things that cannot ultimately be controlled. We want other people to understand us. We want them to acknowledge our hurt. We want fairness, accountability, validation, and sometimes even vindication. We want painful experiences to make sense and disappointing outcomes to be corrected. We want the past to become something different than it was.&nbsp;Yet life rarely cooperates in that way.&nbsp;Much of my professional life has involved working with people who are navigating conflict. During the course of a legal career and many years assisting separated families, I have watched intelligent, caring, and well-intentioned people become trapped in disputes that consume enormous amounts of energy, money, and emotional resources. Often the visible disagreement concerns a parenting schedule, an extracurricular activity, a holiday arrangement, a school decision, or some other practical issue requiring resolution. Over time, however, I came to understand that the visible issue is frequently not the true source of the conflict. The disagreement itself often reflects something much deeper: unresolved hurt, mistrust, grief, fear, betrayal, disappointment, or a profound sense of injustice.&nbsp;The longer I worked in this field, the more interested I became in understanding the human dimensions of conflict rather than simply the legal dimensions. Developments in neuroscience helped explain much of what I had observed throughout my career. Human beings are not purely rational decision-makers. When people are frightened, wounded, rejected, betrayed, or overwhelmed, they often operate from a place of protection rather than collaboration. Their nervous systems are attempting to keep them safe. In such circumstances, expecting people to suddenly become calm, objective, and cooperative because a lawyer, counsellor, judge, or Parenting Coordinator encourages them to do so is frequently unrealistic.&nbsp;That realization fundamentally changed the way I approached my work. Earlier in my career, I often believed that conflict could be resolved if people simply communicated more effectively. While improved communication can certainly help, experience taught me that communication alone is rarely enough. Eventually, I came to understand that my role was not to change people. My role was to create enough structure around the conflict that families could continue moving forward despite it. Sometimes that structure helps relationships improve. Sometimes it creates opportunities for healing and understanding. Sometimes it restores trust that had been lost. When that happens, everyone benefits.&nbsp;When it does not happen, however, the structure still serves an important purpose. Children continue growing. Schools continue operating. Activities continue occurring. Life continues moving forward whether emotional resolution has been achieved or not. Families require a process that allows necessary decisions to be made and existing arrangements to be implemented even when emotions remain unresolved. Progress cannot always wait for healing.&nbsp;It is here that the Prayer of St. Francis continues to resonate with me. The prayer does not deny suffering. Nor does it suggest that conflict, disappointment, or injustice are unimportant. Instead, it quietly redirects our attention toward something more productive. It asks us to focus less on controlling others and more on understanding our own responsibilities. It encourages us to bring understanding rather than demand it, to bring clarity rather than confusion, and to bring peace rather than contribute to discord. Whether interpreted spiritually, philosophically, or psychologically, it reflects a profound recognition of the limits of human control.&nbsp;That lesson extends beyond professional life. Like many people, there have been experiences in my own life that did not unfold the way I hoped they would. There have been periods marked by hurt, disappointment, misunderstanding, and profound uncertainty. Looking back, I can see how much energy can be consumed by attempting to reconcile the past, obtain understanding from those unwilling to provide it, or persuade others to see events as we see them. Eventually, a different realization emerges. Peace rarely comes from winning an argument with the past. More often, it comes from deciding how we will move forward despite what remains unresolved.&nbsp;As I have grown older, I have become increasingly convinced that there is freedom in understanding where our responsibilities begin and where they end. We cannot force understanding. We cannot compel empathy. We cannot guarantee fairness. We cannot control the choices other people make. What we can do is decide how we will respond. We can choose integrity over bitterness, structure over chaos, compassion over hostility, and progress over paralysis. We can help create conditions in which people and families have the opportunity to move forward even when life remains imperfect.&nbsp;Perhaps that is ultimately why the Prayer of St. Francis has remained with me for so many years. It reminds me that wisdom does not lie in controlling every outcome, nor does peace arise from ensuring that every wrong is made right. Instead, both wisdom and peace emerge from recognizing what is within our influence, accepting what is not, and continuing to move forward with purpose, compassion, and humility.&nbsp;The older I become, the more I believe that this lesson applies not only to family conflict but to life itself.&nbsp;Cori McGuire, Family Law Lawyer, Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, Arbitrator, Collaborative Family Law Lawyer &amp; Child Interviewer&nbsp;

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Can One Parent Veto a Child's Extracurricular Activity?

The Prayer of St. Francis and the Limits of Control