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<p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most common disputes separated parents face is whether a parenting-time exchange should proceed exactly as scheduled when an unexpected event arises. One parent asks for a temporary accommodation. The other parent insists that the parenting schedule should be followed precisely. Both often claim to be acting in the child's best interests, yet they may be approaching the problem from very different perspectives.</span><br></p><p>Section 37 of British Columbia's <em>Family Law Act </em>requires that all decisions affecting a child be made in accordance with the child's best interests. The challenge is that parenting schedules are created to provide stability, while family life is inherently unpredictable. Children live in a world where parents become ill, specialist appointments become available, family emergencies arise, transportation systems fail, and important family obligations occasionally conflict with parenting arrangements.</p><p>The question is not whether parenting schedules matter. They do. The question is whether, in a particular circumstance, a limited departure from the schedule may better serve the child's overall interests than strict adherence to it.</p><h3>Stability Is Important, But It Is Not the Only Consideration</h3><p>Most parenting plans and court orders are designed to create predictability for children. Consistent exchange times, regular routines, and clear expectations reduce uncertainty and help children know what to expect. For that reason, parents should not ordinarily expect schedules to change simply because a different arrangement would be more convenient.</p><p>However, Section 37 does not require blind adherence to schedules. It requires consideration of a child's best interests. Stability is one factor in that analysis, but it is not the only factor. Children also benefit when their families function effectively, when important health concerns are addressed, and when parents demonstrate reasonable flexibility in response to legitimate and unavoidable circumstances.</p><p>A parenting schedule is a tool designed to serve a child. It is not an end in itself. There are times when rigid enforcement of a schedule may undermine, rather than advance, a child's broader interests.</p><h3>Children Live in Families, Not in Parenting Plans</h3><p>One of the difficulties in high-conflict parenting disputes is that parents can become focused on the schedule itself rather than the family context in which the schedule operates. Children do not experience life as a series of exchange times and transportation obligations. They experience life as members of a family system.</p><p>Imagine a situation where a parent has a specialist medical appointment that has been scheduled months in advance. The appointment cannot easily be moved and may involve a significant wait for rebooking. The parent requests a modest one-time adjustment to an exchange arrangement to accommodate the appointment.</p><p>The request is not really about convenience. It is connected to the health and functioning of a parent who is responsible for caring for the child. Children generally benefit when their parents receive necessary medical care, remain healthy, and are able to continue meeting their parenting responsibilities. The fact that a requested accommodation directly benefits a parent does not mean it cannot also serve the child's interests.</p><h3>Not Every Request Is an Exceptional Circumstance</h3><p>Of course, not every request should result in a change to parenting arrangements. If parenting schedules were altered every time a parent found them inconvenient, children would experience unnecessary instability and conflict.</p><p>There is a meaningful difference between an exceptional circumstance and a preference. Wanting to sleep in, wanting to attend a social event, preferring a different schedule, or failing to plan ahead will not usually justify disturbing an established parenting arrangement. Those are ordinary inconveniences that most adults can reasonably be expected to manage.</p><p>Exceptional circumstances are different. They often involve events that cannot realistically be rescheduled, avoided, or delegated to someone else. Important medical appointments, family emergencies, necessary work obligations, significant family events, and similar circumstances may warrant a different level of consideration because they involve needs that extend beyond simple convenience.</p><h3>The Parenting Coordinator's Role Is Often More Difficult Than Parents Realize</h3><p>Many parents assume that a Parenting Coordinator can determine who is telling the truth in every dispute. In reality, that is often neither possible nor necessary.</p><p>One parent may say that a medical appointment is important and difficult to reschedule. The other parent may say they cannot accommodate a requested change because of work commitments. The Parenting Coordinator is frequently presented with competing assertions and limited evidence, particularly when an issue arises quickly and requires a timely response.</p><p>The Parenting Coordinator is not conducting a trial. In many implementation disputes, the objective is not to determine whose explanation is more credible. The objective is to help parents identify whether a reasonable accommodation can be achieved that serves the child's interests while minimizing disruption and conflict.</p><h3>Consensus Should Come Before Determination</h3><p>One reason parenting coordination exists is that not every disagreement requires a formal decision-maker. Most appointing orders, agreements, and parenting coordination processes contemplate efforts to achieve consensus before a determination is made.</p><p>In practice, however, consensus can be surprisingly difficult to achieve. Some parents refuse to participate in joint discussions. Others decline telephone conferences or real-time problem-solving opportunities. Positions become entrenched before meaningful consultation occurs.</p><p>As a result, relatively small implementation issues can become formal determination requests. What might have been resolved through a brief conversation becomes a lengthy exchange of written submissions, allegations, rebuttals, and demands for enforcement. The process becomes increasingly expensive while the practical problem remains relatively straightforward.</p><h3>The Impact of Family Violence Allegations</h3><p>These situations become even more complicated when allegations of family violence are part of the parenting history. Family violence is a serious issue and must be taken seriously whenever it is raised. It can affect communication, trust, transportation arrangements, and parents' willingness to engage directly with one another.</p><p>At the same time, not every exchange-related disagreement requires analysis through the lens of historic conflict. Sometimes the issue before the Parenting Coordinator is narrow and practical. The question may simply be whether a short-term accommodation should be made for a particular circumstance.</p><p>When every implementation dispute becomes connected to broader historical grievances, parents can find themselves debating past events rather than solving present problems. The result is often greater polarization, increased cost, and less attention to the child's immediate needs.</p><h3>Looking at Proportionality</h3><p>A useful question in many exchange disputes is whether the proposed accommodation is proportionate to the reason for the request. The focus should not be on whether one parent experiences some inconvenience. Almost every exchange adjustment involves some inconvenience.</p><p>The more important question is whether the burden being asked of one parent is reasonably connected to an important and legitimate need. A minor inconvenience may be entirely appropriate when it accommodates a significant medical issue, family emergency, or unavoidable obligation. Conversely, a major disruption may not be justified by a relatively minor reason.</p><p>Parents frequently approach these disputes by calculating kilometres, minutes, ferry fares, or perceived fairness. While those considerations may have some relevance, Section 37 directs us back to the child's best interests rather than the parents' sense of scorekeeping.</p><h3>Children Need Both Stability and Flexibility</h3><p>One of the most valuable lessons children learn from their parents is that commitments matter. Parenting schedules create certainty and predictability, and children benefit when parents generally honour those commitments.</p><p>Children also learn something important when parents demonstrate reasonable flexibility in response to genuine needs. Life occasionally presents circumstances that cannot neatly fit within the four corners of a parenting order. A child benefits from seeing adults solve those problems constructively rather than turning every request into a battle.</p><p>In my experience, the child's best interests are rarely found at the extremes. A parent who constantly seeks exceptions may undermine the stability children need. A parent who refuses every accommodation may place rigid adherence to scheduling above the practical realities of family life.</p><p>The challenge is not determining whether stability is important or whether flexibility is important. Both are important. The real challenge is identifying when a temporary accommodation serves the child's interests and when it merely serves an adult preference.</p><p>Section 37 reminds us that the answer is not found by asking which parent wins the argument. The answer is found by asking what arrangement best promotes the child's overall well-being in the circumstances that actually exist. In many cases, that assessment requires both stability and a measure of reasonable flexibility when real life intervenes.</p><p>This article should be read in conjunction with <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/tips-for-successful-parenting-time-trades" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/tips-for-successful-parenting-time-trades">Tips for Successful Parenting Time Trades</a> and <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-gift-of-time-trades--template-included" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-gift-of-time-trades--template-included">The Gift of Time Trades: Template Included</a>. Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;</p><p>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.</p><p>↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.</p>

When Should Parenting-Time Exchanges Change? Applying Section 37 of the Family Law Act to Exceptional Circumstances

<h3><span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Two Lenses of Parenting Coordination</span><br></h3><p>One of the unexpected challenges of working in family law and parenting coordination is learning to view difficult behaviour through two lenses at the same time.</p><p>The first lens is compassion. Parents involved in parenting coordination are often navigating one of the most stressful periods of their lives. Separation, litigation, financial pressure, uncertainty about children, and ongoing conflict can leave people feeling frightened, overwhelmed, angry, or deeply misunderstood. After many years in this field, I have come to understand that behaviour which appears controlling, aggressive, or unreasonable is often rooted in fear, grief, loss, or a nervous system struggling to regain a sense of safety.</p><p>The second lens is accountability. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Understanding where behaviour comes from does not mean it should continue unchecked. A parent who is acting from a trauma response can still send hostile emails. A parent who feels unheard can still be disrespectful. A parent who feels powerless can still create conflict for the people around them. Explaining behaviour is not the same thing as excusing behaviour.</span></p><h3>When Parenting Conflict Stops Being About Parenting</h3><p>One of the most common patterns in high-conflict parenting matters is that the original issue gradually disappears. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">What begins as a disagreement about a schedule, an extracurricular activity, a holiday, a medical decision, or an exchange location can slowly evolve into a dispute about the process itself. The conversation shifts toward perceived bias, complaints about procedure, historical grievances, and repeated attempts to prove that someone else is wrong. The focus is no longer the parenting problem. The focus becomes the conflict.</span></p><p>Viewed through the lens of trauma, this is understandable. When people feel threatened, they naturally become vigilant. They pay close attention to perceived unfairness. They search for inconsistencies. They become increasingly focused on process because process begins to feel synonymous with safety.</p><p>The challenge is that once this happens, no outcome feels satisfactory. Every explanation creates another question. Every response generates another concern. Every effort to solve the problem creates new arguments that must also be addressed.</p><h3>Why More Communication Often Creates More Conflict</h3><p>Many people assume that conflict is caused by a lack of communication. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In high-conflict matters, the opposite is often true. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The problem is not that people are communicating too little. It is that they are communicating without structure. Every email generates two more emails. Every explanation leads to another debate. Every attempt to resolve an issue expands the discussion into additional issues.</span></p><p>At some point, the process begins to feed the conflict rather than resolve it. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">This is why Parenting Coordinators spend so much time creating timelines, limiting submissions, encouraging consultation, narrowing issues, and redirecting parents back to existing agreements and court orders. These boundaries are not designed to prevent disagreement. They are designed to prevent conflict from consuming the entire process.</span></p><h3>Why Structure Creates Fairness</h3><p>Structure is often misunderstood because it can feel restrictive. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In reality, structure is one of the primary ways fairness is created. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Without boundaries, the parent who sends the most emails, raises the most objections, or generates the greatest sense of urgency can easily consume a disproportionate amount of the process. The result is not greater fairness. The result is frequently greater conflict, increased cost, and a reduced ability to focus on the needs of the children.</span></p><p>A well-structured process protects everyone involved. It protects children from becoming the centre of endless disputes. It protects parents from being pulled into cycles of escalation. It protects the integrity of the parenting coordination process itself.</p><h3>Trauma Does Not Affect Only Families</h3><p>When we talk about trauma in family law, the focus is usually on parents and children. That focus is appropriate and necessary.</p><p>What receives far less attention is the reality that trauma often spreads beyond the family itself. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Conflict rarely stays contained within the people experiencing it. Lawyers absorb it. Counsellors absorb it. Mediators absorb it. Parenting Coordinators absorb it. Judges absorb it. Anyone working closely with a family in crisis is exposed, to some degree, to the fear, grief, anger, and uncertainty that accompany high-conflict disputes.</span></p><p>One of the thoughts I had when I first heard about the Christina Pike tragedy was not only for the family directly involved. I found myself thinking about the lawyers who would immediately be pulled into the aftermath, carrying enormous responsibility while attempting to make careful decisions in the middle of an emotionally overwhelming situation.</p><p>While the circumstances are obviously very different, the underlying reality exists throughout family law. Professionals routinely step into situations where emotions are running high and where people are struggling with some of the most difficult experiences of their lives.</p><h3>Professionals Have Nervous Systems Too</h3><p>One of the myths surrounding professional neutrality is that neutrality somehow turns people into machines.</p><p>There is often an assumption that because a professional remains calm, the communication has no impact. Because a professional remains polite, hostility does not hurt. Because they continue doing their job, they must somehow be unaffected by the conflict around them. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">That is simply not true.</span></p><p>Parenting Coordinators, lawyers, mediators, counsellors, and judges are human beings. We have nervous systems. We experience stress, disappointment, frustration, and exhaustion. We are affected by repeated accusations, hostility, suspicion, and conflict. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The difference is that professionalism requires us not to return those emotions to the people we serve. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Professionalism is not the absence of impact. Professionalism is the decision not to pass that impact back to the client.</span></p><h3>Compassion Requires Boundaries</h3><p>Understanding trauma does not require accepting conduct that creates a toxic environment for everyone involved. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">This is one of the most important lessons I have learned over nearly three decades of family law practice and almost two decades as a Parenting Coordinator. Compassion and boundaries are not opposites. In fact, boundaries are what make compassion sustainable.</span></p><p>A professional who cannot establish boundaries eventually burns out. A professional who cannot take time away eventually leaves. A professional who must absorb unlimited hostility eventually has less emotional capacity available for the families who genuinely need help. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Boundaries are not what prevent professionals from caring. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Boundaries are what allow professionals to continue caring.</span></p><h3>Why Professional Services Are Not Free</h3><p>Professional services require time, attention, judgment, and expertise. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Every email must be read. Every concern must be assessed. Every procedural challenge requires consideration. Every request for reconsideration consumes professional resources.</span></p><p>When a Parenting Coordinator spends hours responding to repeated process complaints, those are hours that cannot be spent helping families resolve substantive parenting issues. The time spent managing unnecessary conflict is time unavailable for moving the actual parenting problem toward resolution.</p><p>This is one reason why fee reallocations and reapportionment may sometimes become necessary. Such measures are not intended to punish disagreement. Parents have every right to disagree, seek legal advice, and pursue review through appropriate legal channels.</p><p>However, fairness also requires recognizing when one participant has generated a disproportionate amount of work through the repeated use of the process itself. The alternative is often to shift those costs onto everyone else.</p><h3>A Healthy System Requires Mutual Respect</h3><p>Parents have the right to a fair, neutral, and transparent process. They have the right to be heard. They have the right to receive explanations and to seek review where the law permits.</p><p>Professionals have rights as well. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Parenting Coordinators have the right to professional respect, reasonable communication boundaries, compensation for professional work, personal time, and a safe working environment. These rights are not inconsistent with client service. They are what make effective service possible. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The goal is not to decide whose feelings matter more. The goal is to create a process that remains functional even when emotions are running high.</span></p><h3>Moving Forward</h3><p>After nearly twenty years as a Parenting Coordinator, I have become convinced that families rarely move forward because someone finally proves they were right. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">They move forward when the conflict stops becoming the centre of the conversation.</span></p><p>The most successful parenting coordination files are not the ones where everyone agrees. They are the ones where people gradually redirect their energy away from blame, procedural battles, and historical grievances and back toward implementation. That shift is often difficult. It requires accountability, structure, patience, and boundaries.</p><p>Most importantly, it requires respect. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Trauma deserves understanding. Conflict requires structure. Professional relationships require mutual respect. When all three are present, families have the greatest opportunity to move forward in a way that serves both the parents and, most importantly, their children.</span></p><p>Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;</p><p>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.</p><p>↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.</p>

Why Parenting Coordination Requires Boundaries: Understanding Trauma and Conflict After Separation

<p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">People sometimes ask why I focus so much on process, communication protocols, proposals, timelines, and structure. Some assume that a Parenting Coordinator's role is to listen to every grievance, determine who was right in the past, and solve the emotional injuries that continue to drive conflict. My experience has taught me otherwise.</span><br></p><p>Having gone through a high-conflict divorce many years ago, I developed a deep interest in how profound emotional injury affects human behaviour. When people feel betrayed, frightened, rejected, powerless, or unheard, it is entirely human to move into fight-or-flight responses. Those reactions are not signs of weakness; they are often signs of pain. In many ways, they are predictable human responses to overwhelming stress and loss.</p><p>Unfortunately, the litigation system can unintentionally perpetuate those dynamics. When allegations are made in affidavits, people often feel compelled to respond to every point because a fact that is not expressly contradicted may be deemed true. The result is that conflict can expand rather than contract. Parents become focused on rebutting allegations, defending themselves, justifying their actions, and proving that the other parent is wrong. The conversation can move further and further away from children and increasingly toward old wounds, historical grievances, and emotional injuries that may never be fully healed through a legal process.</p><h3>What Is the Purpose of Parenting Coordination?</h3><p>Parenting coordination offers a different approach. Rather than expanding issues, the goal is to narrow them. Rather than revisiting every disagreement from the past, the goal is to identify what needs to happen now so that children can benefit from stability, predictability, and effective parenting. Parenting coordination focuses on implementation rather than blame because children generally benefit far more from workable solutions than they do from ongoing debates about who was right years ago.</p><h3>How Parenting Coordination Begins with Consensus</h3><p>One of the first things many parents learn is that parenting coordination is often far more efficient than they expected. The process always begins with consultation and consensus-building. Parents are encouraged to exchange information, consider options, seek clarification, and work toward agreement wherever possible. When both parents are prepared to focus on solutions and can agree to the same terms, multiple implementation issues can often be incorporated into a single written agreement. Several parenting issues that might otherwise generate multiple court applications can sometimes be resolved through one comprehensive agreement because both parents are focused on moving forward rather than winning an argument.</p><p>This approach creates substantial efficiency, reduces costs, and allows families to move forward more quickly. The objective is not to create work. The objective is to resolve implementation issues in a way that promotes stability, certainty, and predictability for children. When consensus succeeds, parenting coordination is often one of the most efficient dispute-resolution processes available to separated parents.</p><h3>Why Some Parenting Disputes Become More Expensive</h3><p>The process becomes more difficult when parties begin negotiating every word, continually revisiting previously discussed issues, expanding the scope of disputes, or delaying agreements that were previously within reach. Delays in finalizing agreements can create uncertainty for children and may prevent implementation issues from being resolved in a timely manner. Parenting coordination is designed to move decisions forward in the child's best interests, not leave children waiting indefinitely while adults continue debating wording, process concerns, historical grievances, or collateral issues.</p><h3>How Parenting Coordinators Try to Avoid Determinations</h3><p>For that reason, considerable effort is made to avoid determinations whenever possible. Parenting coordination begins with consultation, education, consensus-building, information sharing, clarification, and problem-solving. Parents frequently receive detailed written explanations of concerns, options, and potential outcomes. Public education resources available on my websites are often provided so that parents can better understand the process, the legal framework, and the practical considerations involved. Questions can often be answered through an email copied to all participants seeking clarification so that everyone receives the same information at the same time. Many disagreements are resolved simply because the process provides a structured opportunity to correct misunderstandings before positions become entrenched.</p><p>Formal written recommendations are also commonly used. These recommendations are non-binding and allow parents to understand the rationale for a proposed outcome, the child-focused considerations involved, and the implementation concerns that must be addressed before the cost and formality of a binding determination become necessary. In many cases, understanding the reasoning behind a recommendation allows the parties to resolve the issue themselves. This is often preferable because agreements reached by parents themselves tend to create greater buy-in and reduce future conflict.</p><h3>When Parenting Coordinator Determinations Become Necessary</h3><p>Sometimes, however, a determination becomes necessary. This may occur when an urgent decision affecting a child must be made, when consultation and consensus efforts have been exhausted, when a parent disagrees with a recommendation, or when a party wishes to exercise their right to seek a review of a binding decision in accordance with the governing legislation. Parenting Coordinators do not begin by making determinations, but neither is the process intended to permit indefinite delay when a child requires certainty, stability, or a timely decision.</p><p>When determinations become necessary, issues are generally prioritized according to urgency, impact on the child, and the need for timely implementation. A determination can sometimes be made within hours when circumstances require an urgent response and sufficient information is available. This surprises many people because they assume that every determination requires months of process and extensive litigation-style procedures. Parenting coordination is intended to solve implementation problems, not become another source of delay.</p><p>Under the BC Parenting Coordinators Roster Society's standard participation agreement, a Parenting Coordinator may make a determination when necessary and provide the written determination as soon as practicable thereafter. This allows important decisions affecting children to be addressed promptly while still preserving transparency and accountability through written reasons. The immediate priority is often ensuring that a child has certainty about what happens next rather than waiting for a lengthy written document to be completed before any action can occur.</p><h3>Why Some Determinations Are Longer Than Others</h3><p>When multiple determinations become necessary within the same file, the level of factual detail often changes. The first determination may contain a comprehensive summary of the history, communications, positions, and implementation issues necessary to understand the dispute. Subsequent determinations involving related issues are usually much shorter because that background has already been documented. The focus shifts to the new implementation question that requires resolution rather than repeatedly reproducing the same historical record.</p><h3>Parenting Coordination Focuses on Implementation Rather Than Blame</h3><p>That distinction is important because one of the most significant parts of my role is helping parents distinguish between information that is emotionally important and information that is legally or practically relevant to the issue that must be decided. The two are not always the same. The history of who was right or wrong years ago may be deeply meaningful to the people involved. It may explain why a parent feels hurt, frustrated, fearful, or distrustful. However, that history is not always necessary to deciding how a parenting plan should be implemented next week.</p><p>Many parents arrive believing that if I fully understand their story, I will understand why they are right. What often proves more useful is creating a process that allows both parents to move forward without requiring agreement about what happened in the past. Children generally benefit more from effective implementation than from endless debate. The focus remains on identifying what structure, process, communication method, clarification, recommendation, agreement, or decision is necessary today to allow the parenting plan to function in the child's best interests.</p><h3>Preventing Delay and Creating Certainty for Children</h3><p>There are occasions when process itself becomes an obstacle to implementation. For example, a parent may clearly agree with a proposal in principle and then begin disputing wording, revisiting settled issues, introducing new concerns, or delaying final agreement at the very time an urgent decision is needed. In those circumstances, the issue is not whether that parent is good or bad, reasonable or unreasonable. The issue is that children require certainty and important decisions cannot be delayed indefinitely. Parenting coordination is designed to prevent implementation from becoming stalled while adults continue debating matters that no longer assist in resolving the actual problem before them.</p><p>The role of the Parenting Coordinator is not to determine fault or assign blame. The role is to ensure that a process exists that can continue moving decisions forward when agreement is no longer occurring. If parties genuinely agree, an agreement can often resolve multiple issues efficiently. If agreement breaks down and implementation is delayed, the process shifts toward whatever structure is necessary to keep matters moving in a child-focused manner.</p><h3>Why Structure Reduces Conflict and Costs</h3><p>This is where structure becomes valuable. Clear proposals, defined issues, timelines, communication expectations, recommendations, and decision-making processes reduce uncertainty and contain conflict. A structured process narrows issues rather than expanding them. It prioritizes matters requiring immediate attention and creates a clear path toward resolution. It allows parents to focus on solving problems rather than continually revisiting them.</p><p>A structured process is also more affordable. When every issue becomes connected to ten previous disputes, every discussion becomes longer, every decision becomes harder, and every professional becomes more expensive. Narrowing issues is not about limiting anyone's voice. It is about directing time, energy, attention, and resources toward decisions that actually affect children.</p><h3>Why Parenting Coordinators Prepare Detailed Reports and Accounts</h3><p>Some people are surprised when detailed reports or accounts become necessary. A detailed report is not a section 211 evaluation and it is not an attempt to investigate every aspect of a family's history. Its purpose is much narrower and much more practical. A thorough report creates transparency and allows the parties, their lawyers, and, if necessary, a reviewing judge to understand what issues were raised, what efforts were made to achieve consensus, what recommendations were provided, what process was followed, and why further intervention became necessary.</p><p>This transparency becomes particularly important when the process itself is challenged. A thorough report and account allows a court to assess whether the Parenting Coordinator acted within the scope of their role, whether the process is functioning effectively, whether concerns relate to the process or simply disagreement with the outcome, and whether parenting coordination remains the appropriate dispute-resolution mechanism for that family. Unlike a section 211 report, the purpose is not to investigate the family or determine what parenting arrangements should exist. The purpose is to create an accurate record of an implementation-focused process intended to help parents move forward.</p><h3>Creating Space for Growth, Stability, and Healing</h3><p>The longer I do this work, the more convinced I become that most families do not need more opportunities to argue. They do not need more opportunities to explain why they are hurt, disappointed, angry, or frustrated. Most have already spent years doing exactly that. What they often need is enough structure, predictability, and calm to allow growth to occur.</p><p>Conflict consumes attention. Uncertainty creates anxiety. Chaos makes thoughtful decision-making difficult. Children benefit when parents have a process that reduces conflict, contains issues, creates predictability, and provides a clear path forward. Growth is more likely to occur when there is space for it to occur.</p><p>I care deeply about the families who come through my office. I understand that many are carrying grief, fear, anger, disappointment, and exhaustion that did not begin with the parenting dispute itself. Those realities deserve respect and compassion. They are often an important part of understanding why conflict persists.</p><p>At the same time, compassion alone does not resolve implementation problems. Growth usually requires space, calm, predictability, and a process that prevents conflict from consuming every interaction. In my experience, structure is not the opposite of caring. Structure is often how caring becomes effective.</p><p>The goal is not perfection. The goal is not to determine who is the better parent. The goal is not to rewrite history or resolve every emotional injury. The goal is creating enough stability, predictability, and calm that parents can focus less on the conflict and more on raising their children. When that happens, there is finally room for the growth, healing, and forward movement that most families were seeking all along.</p><p>Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;</p><p>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.</p><p>↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.</p>

Why Parenting Coordination Focuses on Structure and Neutrality

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<p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most enlightening realizations of my career has been observing what prolonged exposure to high conflict does to otherwise intelligent, capable, and successful people. The parents I meet are often professionals, business owners, tradespeople, and loving parents who function remarkably well in most areas of their lives. Yet after months or years of chronic conflict, some begin to think, react, and solve problems in ways that seem entirely inconsistent with the people they once were.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>They may become impulsive, emotionally reactive, fearful, rigid, suspicious, or intensely focused on perceived slights. Small events take on enormous significance. Ordinary parenting disagreements begin to feel dangerous. What appears irrational, disproportionate, or even self-destructive from the outside may feel entirely reasonable and necessary to a nervous system that has been trapped in survival mode for far too long.&nbsp;</p><p>The remarkable thing is that many of these individuals are neither unintelligent nor mentally ill. They are often good people whose brains and bodies have spent years adapting to conflict, uncertainty, fear, and chronic stress.&nbsp;</p><p>I know this because I have been there myself. Years ago, during an extremely stressful period of my life, I experienced a dark chapter. Looking back now, I can see that my thinking was impaired, my reactions were disproportionate, and I struggled to regulate emotions that would normally have been manageable. Looking back, I still describe that period as living in hell.&nbsp;</p><p>It certainly makes me appreciate the peace and stability in my life today. At the time, however, it felt absolutely real. I was not pretending, exaggerating, or seeking attention. I was experiencing the world through a stressed and overwhelmed nervous system that genuinely perceived danger and urgency where calmer thinking may have seen something very different.&nbsp;</p><p>The hardest part is that I did not realize how impaired my thinking had become. At the time, my reactions felt completely rational. My fears felt justified. My conclusions felt obvious. Only years later could I look back and appreciate how profoundly stress had altered the way I interpreted events around me.&nbsp;</p><p>Nobody explained what was happening to me. Nobody sat me down and explained how prolonged stress can alter thinking, emotional regulation, decision-making, perception, and behaviour. Yet that experience ultimately changed how I view conflict.&nbsp;</p><p>For years, I would look at certain high-conflict files and wonder why intelligent, successful adults seemed unable to solve relatively simple parenting problems. Their reactions often appeared wildly disproportionate to the triggering event, and I struggled to understand why.&nbsp;</p><p>A parent would burst into tears because someone laughed during an exchange. A routine scheduling issue would become a crisis requiring emergency intervention. A simple parenting disagreement would suddenly become evidence of family violence, dangerous behaviour, or a serious threat to a child's wellbeing. A parent becomes convinced that a facial expression at an exchange was deliberately hostile. Another becomes distressed because the other parent appeared to mock them at an child event. Someone is devastated because they were called a deadbeat. A parent is upset because an affidavit author attended an exchange. A routine scheduling disagreement becomes evidence of a larger campaign of harassment, alienation, family violence, disrespect, or control.&nbsp;</p><p>The events themselves are often real. The interpretation attached to them is where things become complicated. Somebody may have laughed. Someone may have brought a new partner to an exchange. &nbsp;A parent may have been recording on a cell phone. &nbsp;A parent may have parked too close to the other parent’s vehicle. A vehicle may have driven slowly past a home. The question is rarely whether the event occurred. The question is what meaning is attached to the event and whether that meaning accurately reflects the level of danger actually present.&nbsp;</p><p>Some readers may assume that an article like this minimizes family violence. Nothing could be further from the truth. Understanding family violence has been one of the central focuses of my professional life, and I have seen firsthand the devastating effects that abuse, coercive control, intimidation, fear, and trauma can have on parents and children.&nbsp;</p><p>What I have also learned, however, is that prolonged exposure to conflict can leave people living in a constant state of alarm. When that happens, the nervous system may begin responding to relatively ordinary events as though they present the same level of danger as genuine abuse or harm. Appreciating that distinction has become one of the most important and challenging aspects of Parenting Coordination. The challenge is not determining whether family violence exists. The challenge is distinguishing between situations that truly require protection from harm and situations where chronic conflict has trained otherwise intelligent and well-meaning people to experience nearly every disagreement as a potential threat.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Fight-or-Flight Brain</h3><p>Modern neuroscience has shown that prolonged stress changes the way people function. When the brain perceives a threat, it activates systems designed to protect us from danger. Heart rate increases, stress hormones are released, attention narrows, and the body prepares itself to fight, flee, freeze, or otherwise survive.&nbsp;</p><p>These systems are remarkably useful in short bursts. They are designed to help us survive immediate threats and emergencies. The problem arises when those systems remain activated not for minutes or hours, but for months or years.&nbsp;</p><p>Researchers at Harvard's Center on the Developing Child describe "toxic stress" as prolonged activation of the body's stress-response systems without adequate support. Their research shows that excessive and prolonged stress can interfere with emotional regulation, attention, learning, decision-making, and other higher-order functions that allow us to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively (<a data-mce-href="http://www.developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/toxic-stress/" href="http://www.developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/toxic-stress/"><em>Harvard Center on the Developing Child, "Toxic Stress"</em></a>; National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, <a data-mce-href="http://www.developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/working-paper/wp3/)" href="http://www.developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/working-paper/wp3/)">"Excessive Stress Disrupts the Architecture of the Developing Brain"</a>).</p><p>From my perspective as a Parenting Coordinator, this explains a tremendous amount. Many parents are not making poor decisions because they lack intelligence. They are making poor decisions because they are operating from a chronically activated threat response.&nbsp;</p><h3>High-Conflict Separation as Chronic Stress</h3><p>One of the greatest misconceptions about separation is the idea that the conflict is merely emotional. High-conflict separation often becomes a form of chronic stress that follows parents every day for years. Every email becomes threatening, every decision feels urgent, and every parenting disagreement begins to feel like evidence of a larger and more dangerous pattern.&nbsp;</p><p>The result is often a state of hypervigilance. Parents begin scanning constantly for threats, slights, disrespect, unfairness, bias, or danger. Their nervous systems become so accustomed to conflict that they struggle to distinguish between genuine emergencies and ordinary parenting problems.&nbsp;</p><p>This is why highly capable professionals can appear completely different inside their co-parenting relationships. The same person who successfully manages a business, practices medicine, teaches school, runs a company, or manages a large budget may become emotionally overwhelmed by routine scheduling decisions involving their child. Intelligence may remain intact, but emotional regulation and perspective-taking may be significantly impaired.&nbsp;</p><h3>When Stress Overwhelms Good Judgment</h3><p>From the outside, some high-conflict behaviours can appear remarkably similar to developmental stages we usually associate with childhood. Not because the person is childish, but because chronic stress, fear, and dysregulation narrow their ability to tolerate frustration, manage emotions, consider alternative perspectives, and respond proportionately to challenges. The individual may remain highly intelligent, but their ability to consistently access the emotional skills that normally accompany maturity becomes impaired.</p><h3>Children Pay the Price</h3><p>Children are affected too. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences, commonly known as ACEs, has repeatedly demonstrated that childhood exposure to trauma, chronic conflict, family dysfunction, and prolonged stress can have effects that extend well into adulthood. These effects are associated with increased risks of depression, substance abuse, chronic illness, heart disease, and reduced life expectancy.&nbsp;</p><p>The original ACE research and subsequent studies found strong relationships between childhood adversity and many of the leading causes of poor health later in life. Researchers have also found associations between multiple adverse childhood experiences and increased risk of premature mortality (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, <a data-mce-href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3787798/" href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3787798/">"Adverse Childhood Experiences and Premature All-Cause Mortality”</a>).</p><p>This is one of the reasons I find Parenting Coordination so important. Children do not require perfect parents. They need sufficiently regulated adults who can distinguish genuine danger from ordinary conflict and who are capable of making decisions without living in a constant state of alarm.&nbsp;</p><h3>Why I Believe in Structure</h3><p>This realization transformed my Parenting Coordination practice. For many years, I believed that if parents simply understood their situations better, they would make better decisions. Experience has taught me that knowledge alone is rarely enough.&nbsp;</p><p>Most parents already know they should communicate more effectively. Most parents already know they should focus on their children. Most parents already know that conflict is harmful.&nbsp;</p><p>The problem is often not a lack of knowledge. Most parents already possess the knowledge necessary to make better decisions. The problem is that a nervous system trapped in chronic stress cannot consistently put that knowledge into practice.&nbsp;</p><p>That is why I increasingly believe in structure. Structure becomes a substitute for self-regulation until self-regulation returns.&nbsp;</p><p>When people are overwhelmed, structure becomes a substitute for self-regulation. A person operating in a state of chronic stress may know they should communicate differently, respond calmly, focus on their child, and stop revisiting old grievances. The difficulty is that their nervous system is often too activated to consistently put that knowledge into practice.&nbsp;</p><p>Structure helps because it reduces the number of decisions people must make while emotionally activated. Deadlines reduce delay. Proposal forms reduce argument. Consultation processes create accountability. Communication protocols reduce impulsive reactions. Issue sequencing narrows focus. Predictable processes reduce uncertainty. In many respects, Parenting Coordination is not about teaching people what to do. It is about creating enough stability and predictability that they can finally do what they already know they should be doing.&nbsp;</p><h3>How Do We Stop This?</h3><p>We stop assuming that every emotional reaction reflects a genuine emergency. We stop rewarding conflict, outrage, and escalation. We stop expecting overwhelmed people to solve complex problems without support, guidance, boundaries, or structure.&nbsp;</p><p>Most importantly, we recognize that behind the angry emails, accusations, complaints, tears, and frustration are often human beings whose nervous systems have been operating in survival mode for far too long. Some of them may not even remember what calm feels like anymore.&nbsp;</p><p>I know because I have been there myself. I know what it feels like when the fear seems real, when the threat feels immediate, and when your mind becomes trapped in a cycle that you cannot easily explain to others. Looking back now, I can see how impaired my thinking was during that period.&nbsp;</p><p>If there is one lesson I have taken from that experience and from 18 years as a parenting coordinator, it is this: people rarely change because they learn more. People change because structure creates enough safety, predictability, and stability that they can finally calm down, think clearly, and practise different habits long enough for those habits to become permanent.&nbsp;</p><p>That, more than anything else, is why I believe in Parenting Coordination. Not because people need to be controlled, but because sometimes people need structure until they are able to regulate themselves again.</p><p>Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;</p><p>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.</p><p>↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.</p>

How Chronic Conflict Changes the Brain: Understanding Stress, Separation, and Parenting

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<p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Many parents believe Parenting Coordination becomes expensive because Parenting Coordinators charge high fees. In my experience, that is usually not the problem. The real cost driver is process. More specifically, the real cost driver is what happens when a Parenting Coordinator asks a direct implementation question and a parent responds with everything except an answer to that question.&nbsp;</span></p><h3>The Myth: "The Parenting Coordinator Is Too Expensive"</h3><p>Parents sometimes become frustrated with Parenting Coordination fees and conclude that the Parenting Coordinator is creating unnecessary expense. Most Parenting Coordinators charge for professional time actually spent on a file. The question is therefore not whether the hourly rate is expensive. The question is what is consuming the time.&nbsp;</p><p>In many cases, the issue itself is not complicated. The expensive part is the process required to obtain the information necessary to resolve it.&nbsp;</p><h3>A Simple Issue Should Require a Simple Answer</h3><p>Imagine a Parenting Coordinator asks: “If the child misses parenting time for a special event, what replacement parenting days would you like instead?” A responsive answer might be: “I would like December 23, two Spring Break days, and the October Pro-D Day”. That answer may be accepted, rejected, negotiated, or modified. But it moves the file forward.&nbsp;</p><p>Now imagine a five-page email discussing:&nbsp;</p><ul><li>historical grievances;</li><li>what happened three years ago;</li><li>what the previous Parenting Coordinator thought;</li><li>why the schedule was unfair;</li><li>transportation difficulties;</li><li>literacy theories;</li><li>why the other parent is unreasonable;<br>jurisdiction concerns;</li><li>complaints about the process.</li></ul><p>The email may contain many words. Yet the Parenting Coordinator still does not know which replacement dates are being requested. The issue remains unresolved. The Parenting Coordinator must then spend more time seeking clarification.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Part Clients Never See</h3><p>Many parents assume Parenting Coordinators only bill for reading emails. That is not how Parenting Coordination works.&nbsp;</p><p>When an email is received, the Parenting Coordinator must often: </p><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Read the email.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Determine what issue is actually being raised.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Compare the email to earlier communications.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Determine whether the email answers the question asked.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Decide whether further clarification is required.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Draft a response.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Record the communication in the file.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Account for the time.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Later summarize the communication in a report and account.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Assess whether the communication advanced or delayed resolution.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Explain the process history if a determination becomes necessary.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Explain any fee reapportionment decisions that may result.</span></li></ul><p>A single non-responsive email can therefore generate several separate professional tasks. The resulting cost is not created by the Parenting Coordinator. It is created by the process required to deal with the communication.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Difference Between Participation and Process Consumption</h3><p>Every parent has the right to disagree, to be heard &nbsp;and to advance a position. However, those rights do not include an unlimited right to consume Parenting Coordinator resources discussing issues that do not assist in resolving the active dispute.&nbsp;</p><p>There is a difference between: "I disagree, and here is my proposal." and "I disagree, and here are fifteen reasons why I disagree, but I am not going to answer the question." The first response advances the file. The second response consumes the process.&nbsp;</p><h3>Why Reapportionment Exists</h3><p>Many parents mistakenly believe that Parenting Coordinator fees must always be shared equally. That is not necessarily correct. Equal allocation and fair allocation are not always the same thing. Most Parenting Coordinator agreements and appointments permit fees to be reapportioned where one parent's conduct requires disproportionate Parenting Coordinator involvement.&nbsp;</p><p>Reapportionment is not a punishment. It is an attempt to allocate costs where they were actually generated. A parent should not ordinarily have to pay half the cost of:&nbsp;</p><ul><li>repeated clarification requests;</li><li>repeated process instructions;</li><li>repeated explanations of the same issue;</li><li>repeated requests for information that should have been provided the first time.<br></li></ul><p>Where the Parenting Coordinator is required to spend significant additional time obtaining responsive information, fairness may require the costs associated with that additional process to be allocated differently.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Parenting Coordination Paradox</h3><p>One of the most common complaints I hear is: "The Parenting Coordinator is costing too much money."Sometimes the same parent making that complaint is also:&nbsp;</p><ul><li>sending lengthy emails;</li><li>revisiting issues already addressed;</li><li>refusing to provide requested information;</li><li>raising collateral issues;</li><li>requiring multiple rounds of clarification;</li><li>forcing the Parenting Coordinator to explain the same point repeatedly.<br><br>The result is a paradox. The parent complains about cost while simultaneously creating the cost.&nbsp;</li></ul><h3>The Fastest Way to Reduce Your Parenting Coordination Fees</h3><p>If you want to minimize Parenting Coordination fees, do the following: When the Parenting Coordinator asks a question, answer that question. If replacement dates are requested, provide dates. If a schedule proposal is requested, provide a schedule proposal. If supporting information is requested, provide supporting information. Do not assume that a lengthy narrative is equivalent to a responsive answer. The most cost-effective email is often the shortest one.&nbsp;</p><h3>A Final Thought</h3><p>Parents often believe the outcome of a Parenting Coordination file depends on who writes the longest email. It does not. Parenting Coordinators are not deciding who writes the best essay. They are deciding implementation issues.&nbsp;</p><p>The parent who most effectively assists the process is rarely the parent who sends the longest submission. It is usually the parent who answers the question asked, provides the information requested, and proposes practical solutions.&nbsp;</p><p>Those parents generally spend less on Parenting Coordination, resolve issues more quickly, and achieve better outcomes for their children. Ultimately that is what the Parenting Coordination process is designed to accomplish.</p><p>Link to other fees articles:&nbsp;</p><p><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-co-parent-obstructs-the-pc-process" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-co-parent-obstructs-the-pc-process"></a><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/reapportionment-of-parenting-coordination-fees-in-british-columbia" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/reapportionment-of-parenting-coordination-fees-in-british-columbia">Reapportionment of Parenting Coordination Fees in British Columbia</a></p><p><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-is-structured-to-contain-fees" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-is-structured-to-contain-fees">How Parenting Coordination Is Structured to Contain Fees</a></p><p><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-to-reduce-parenting-coordination-fees--why-parenting-coordination-becomes-expensive-and-what-parents-can-do-about-it" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-to-reduce-parenting-coordination-fees--why-parenting-coordination-becomes-expensive-and-what-parents-can-do-about-it">How to Reduce Parenting Coordination Fees: Why Parenting Coordination Becomes Expensive and What Parents Can Do About It</a></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.</p><p>↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.</p>

Parenting Coordination Fees Explained: The Cost of Repetition, Not Resolution

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<p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most important lessons I have learned after many years of parenting coordination is that the most difficult disputes are often not about parenting time, decision-making, schooling, activities, exchanges, or communication. Those issues may be the topics that bring parents into the process, but they are not always the issues that consume the most time. In many high-conflict files, the real challenge becomes managing the process itself. Parents can become so focused on discussing how the Parenting Coordinator should operate that they stop using the process to solve the parenting problem that brought them there in the first place.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>This is not a criticism of parents. High-conflict separation often leaves people feeling anxious, uncertain, and distrustful. It is understandable that parents want to know how decisions will be made, how the Parenting Coordinator's authority operates, how fees are charged, and what procedures will apply. Those questions are legitimate. The difficulty arises when a process question has been answered, the answer has been explained, resources have been provided, and the same issue continues to return in slightly different forms. At that point, the discussion often stops advancing the interests of the child and starts consuming resources that were intended to help the child.&nbsp;</p><h3>Process Questions Are Important<br></h3><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">I encourage parents to learn about the parenting coordination process. In fact, one of the most effective ways to reduce conflict and save money is to understand the structure governing the process from the outset. Parents who understand the Parenting Coordinator's role, authority, limitations, and procedures are often able to navigate disputes more effectively and avoid misunderstandings that can create unnecessary conflict.&nbsp;</span></p><p>For that reason, I have invested hundreds of hours into extensive written resources made available to the public for free. General information about parenting coordination, conflict management, communication, family dispute resolution, and related topics can be found at <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library</a>. More detailed information organized by parenting coordination subject matter can be found at <a data-mce-href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library" href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library">https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library</a>. Questions concerning the Parenting Coordinator's authority, jurisdiction, procedures, billing practices, participation agreement, and governing contractual framework are addressed in detail at <a data-mce-href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/roster-contract-explained" href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/roster-contract-explained">https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/roster-contract-explained</a>.&nbsp;</p><p>These resources exist because many process questions arise repeatedly from file to file. Rather than requiring every parent to pay for individualized explanations of the same issues, comprehensive answers have already been prepared and made available. Parents are encouraged to review these materials carefully before raising process concerns that have already been addressed in writing.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Pattern That Sometimes Develops</h3><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Most Parenting Coordinators eventually observe a recurring pattern in certain files. A parent asks a process question. The question is answered. The answer is explained. The parent is directed to the appropriate agreement, webpage, or resource. The issue appears to be resolved.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>A short time later, the same concern returns. It may be framed slightly differently. A hypothetical example may be introduced. A variation of the question may be asked. A concern that was already addressed may be revisited from another angle. The discussion gradually shifts away from the parenting issue requiring implementation and toward the process itself.&nbsp;</p><p>Eventually, something remarkable occurs. The file may contain extensive correspondence, significant professional time, and substantial expense, yet little progress has been made on the actual parenting issue. The parents are no longer using the process. They are debating the process. What began as a dispute about parenting has become a dispute about parenting coordination.&nbsp;</p><h3>Why Repetition Creates Cost Without Creating Solutions</h3><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Every communication directed to a Parenting Coordinator requires professional attention. Emails must be reviewed. Questions must be considered. Responses must be drafted. Communications must be documented. Decisions must be made about whether a response is necessary and whether the issue falls within the Parenting Coordinator's jurisdiction.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>As a result, repeated discussions about matters that have already been addressed can generate significant expense without producing any corresponding benefit for the child. The parties may be paying for time spent revisiting the same process issues rather than resolving the parenting issues that originally required intervention. The Parenting Coordinator is working, but the work is not advancing implementation. The result is that retainers diminish while the underlying conflict remains unresolved.&nbsp;</p><p>This is one reason why process management is such an important aspect of parenting coordination. Left unchecked, repetitive process discussions can consume the resources that were intended to assist families. What appears to be a simple question can lead to multiple rounds of correspondence, further clarification requests, additional explanations, and ongoing debate. The cumulative effect can be substantial.&nbsp;</p><h3>This Is Not About Determining Motives</h3><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When a Parenting Coordinator limits further discussion of a process issue, it is important not to assume that this reflects a finding that a parent has acted improperly. In most cases, the Parenting Coordinator does not need to determine why a question is being asked repeatedly. Some parents are genuinely anxious. Some need reassurance. Some are struggling to trust the process because of previous litigation experiences. Others may sincerely believe that additional explanation will eventually provide the certainty they are seeking.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>In some cases, process discussions may also be used strategically. A parent may not consciously view their behaviour this way, but repeated challenges to the process can delay implementation, consume resources, create leverage, and shift attention away from the substantive parenting issue. From a process perspective, however, the Parenting Coordinator often does not need to decide which explanation is correct. The practical question is much simpler: Is the communication helping implement parenting arrangements, or is it merely creating additional discussion about matters that have already been addressed? <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The answer to that question determines how the process should be managed.&nbsp;</span></p><h3>Why Some Process Questions May Receive No Further Response</h3><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most misunderstood aspects of parenting coordination is the belief that every communication requires a substantive response. In reality, effective process management sometimes requires the opposite approach. Once a process question has been asked, answered, explained, and supported with references to the governing agreement and available resources, there may be little value in continuing the discussion.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>At that point, the answer already exists. The participation agreement has not changed. The Parenting Coordinator's authority has not changed. The applicable procedures have not changed. The parent has been directed to the relevant materials, including the kelownalawyer.com Resource Library, Parenting Coordinator BC Resource Library, and Roster Contract Explained.&nbsp;</p><p>When a vague or repetitive process question concerns a matter that has already been addressed, no further substantive response may be provided. The communication may still be reviewed. It may still be noted in the file. It may still be factually recorded in reports and accounts. However, additional correspondence is not generated simply because the same process issue has been raised again.&nbsp;</p><p>This is not a punishment. It is not a finding of bad faith. It is not an attempt to silence a parent. It is a structural boundary designed to prevent the parenting coordination process from becoming an expensive and endless discussion about itself.&nbsp;</p><h3>Structure Protects Children, Parents, and the Process</h3><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most important insights I have gained from years of parenting coordination is that children benefit when the process remains focused on implementation. They do not benefit when professional resources are consumed by repetitive debates about procedure. Parents may understandably wish for certainty and reassurance, but certainty ultimately comes from understanding and using the structure rather than continually questioning it.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>The most successful files are rarely the files where parents agree about everything. They are usually the files where parents eventually accept the structure of the process. They use it. They move through it. They focus their energy on resolving parenting issues rather than negotiating how the Parenting Coordinator operates.&nbsp;</p><p>Parenting coordination is ultimately intended to help children experience stability, consistency, and forward movement. The process can only achieve those goals if it remains focused on implementation. Answering a process question once is often helpful. Answering it repeatedly may simply generate fees without generating solutions. For that reason, one of the most effective ways to preserve resources and keep the focus on children is surprisingly simple: provide the answer, identify the relevant resource, direct the parent to the governing materials, and then continue the work of helping the family move forward.</p><p>Read<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> next "<a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-works-in-my-practice--implementation--proportionality--and-process-management" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-parenting-coordination-works-in-my-practice--implementation--proportionality--and-process-management">How Parenting Coordination Works in My Practice: Implementation, Proportionality, and Process Management</a>". </span>Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;</p><p>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.</p><p>↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.</p>

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