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As a Parenting Coordinator (PC), I often see parents become trapped in a frustrating loop: repeated email exchanges about issues that have already been decided, resolved, or are not time‑sensitive. One parent continues to re‑raise an issue—often a schedule change or a previously answered request—while the other parent feels compelled to respond, explain, or defend their position.The result is predictable. Dozens or hundreds of emails, escalating costs, and a breakdown of the very process designed to reduce conflict and protect children from ongoing parental disputes.<h3>Why the Conflict Keeps Going</h3>In high‑conflict situations, repetitive communication is rarely about solving the issue at hand. It is usually driven by emotional reactivity rather than problem‑solving.Common drivers include:The need to be understood or vindicated.After separation, many parents experience a deep sense of injustice. Repeating an argument can feel like the only way to be seen, heard, or validated—by the other parent, by professionals, or eventually by the court.The illusion of control.Conflict can temporarily reduce feelings of helplessness. Writing another email, responding to an accusation, or “setting the record straight” can feel like taking action, even when it escalates the situation.Misunderstanding how courts assess behaviour.Some parents believe that responding to every message is necessary to protect themselves or build a legal record. In reality, courts often focus less on who made the better argument and more on whether parents followed the agreed or ordered process.<h3>What Courts Typically Focus On</h3>When communication agreements or court‑ordered protocols are repeatedly ignored, the original issue often becomes secondary. The court’s attention shifts to whether the parents are able to follow the process designed to reduce conflict.Courts commonly assess:• whether settled issues are being repeatedly re‑litigated• whether communication limits are being respected• whether parents are containing conflict or amplifying it• whether the child is being exposed to ongoing adult disputesWhen both parents continue to engage in unnecessary back‑and‑forth, the pattern itself becomes the problem. The issue is no longer the schedule change, the wording of an email, or who started the exchange—it is the demonstrated inability to disengage from conflict.<h3>Why This Matters for Children</h3>Ongoing parental conflict creates toxic stress for children. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that chronic exposure to high conflict can affect emotional regulation, learning, physical health, and long‑term well‑being.Children do not need their parents to agree on everything. They do need predictable routines, emotional safety, and freedom from adult conflict they cannot fix or control.Every unnecessary exchange increases the likelihood that children will feel anxious, responsible, or caught in the middle—even when the conflict occurs “only” through email.<h3>How Parenting Coordination Addresses the Loop</h3>When repetitive communication undermines that goal, the process narrows rather than expands. This may include:• identifying when an issue has already been decided• distinguishing urgent child‑focused matters from non‑urgent or repetitive concerns• reinforcing agreed or ordered communication parameters• limiting the scope of issues addressed through the PC process• moving from negotiation to implementation where appropriateThe refined process does not require parents to change emotionally, gain insight, or agree with one another. It requires adherence to structure.<h3>A Note on Dated Communication Agreements</h3>Communication Agreements are intended to regulate the process for consultation‑related communication required under s.40(2) of the Family Law Act, where the parties share parental responsibilities under s.41, and not to govern or police all parent‑to‑parent interaction. Earlier versions of communication agreements in parenting coordination matters were not always carefully confined to this consultation function, and experience has shown that quoting or invoking the Agreement between parents often escalates conflict rather than supports implementation. Parents are therefore not to cite, enforce, or weaponize the Communication Agreement against one another.If the Agreement is not functioning to support effective consultation and implementation of the existing order or agreement, the issue is procedural and must be addressed within the parenting coordination process. Where the process cannot be adjusted to function effectively, or where compliance must be compelled rather than structured, the matter exceeds the scope of parenting coordination and must be returned to court for direction.Parenting coordination under our newly defined role does not exist to referee arguments or facilitate endless debate. Its purpose, as now articulated by the Court, is to implement existing court orders and agreements in a way that reduces conflict and protects children.<h3>Silence Is Sometimes a Process Outcome, Not a Punishment</h3>In high‑conflict cases, silence is often misinterpreted as avoidance or weakness. In reality, silence can be a child‑protective outcome when an issue has already been settled and further discussion only fuels conflict.Choosing not to engage in repetitive exchanges is not about winning or losing. It is about respecting the process that keeps children out of adult disputes.<h3>When the Process Cannot Absorb Ongoing Conflict</h3>If communication protocols are repeatedly ignored and conflict continues to escalate, parenting coordination cannot be used as an open forum for ongoing argument. At that point, the focus shifts to implementation of existing orders, narrowing of issues, and—where authorized—formal steps to move the matter out of the PC process and back to court for direction.Any legal consequences that follow flow from court authority, not from the Parenting Coordinator.<h3>A Final Word</h3>High‑conflict communication loops feel urgent and justified in the moment. From a child’s perspective, they are simply exhausting and destabilizing.Parenting coordination works best when parents allow structure—not emotion—to carry the process forward. When conflict is contained, children are no longer asked to live inside it.<h3>Educational Note</h3>This article is provided in a general, educational capacity to explain common patterns observed in high‑conflict co‑parenting and the predictable process consequences that arise when court‑ordered communication protocols are not followed. It does not constitute a determination, legal advice, findings of fact, or direction in any specific case. Any determinations made by a Parenting Coordinator are limited to implementing existing court orders or agreements, in accordance with the scope of authority set out in the appointing order and the Family Law Act.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Cori L. McGuire</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Cori has many other articles on the parenting coordination process including: <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/your-communication-agreement-as-a-coach--the-essential-tool" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/your-communication-agreement-as-a-coach--the-essential-tool" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Your Communication Agreement as a Coach: The Essential Tool</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">. Further reading by subject is found in our <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resource Library</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">. © 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

The Unproductive Loop: Why High-Conflict Co-Parents Keep Fighting (and What Judges Will Notice)

white tissue paper on blue plastic trash bin

The sniffles, the fever, the inevitable late-night vomiting—it's cold and flu season, and for parents of young children, it often means sleepless nights, missed workdays, and an unavoidable juggling act.In high-conflict co-parenting situations, however, a child's illness can sadly become more than a physical challenge; it can turn into a relationship crisis. Instead of uniting to care for their sick child, some parents fall back into old patterns, even going so far as to weaponize an illness to frustrate, control, or gatekeep the other parent.If your child is ill, your only job is to work together. Your child is already navigating being sick; they shouldn't also have to navigate a parental conflict over who's caring for them.<h3>When Illness Becomes a Battleground</h3>It’s a tough truth, but illness is one of the most common reasons for a sudden, destructive "wobble" in a carefully crafted parenting plan. Here’s what destructive communication looks like during an illness—and what you should avoid:<ol><li>The Silent Treatment: A parent unilaterally decides the child is too sick for the exchange and only notifies the other parent an hour after the scheduled time, providing no updates or medical information.</li><li>The Rigid Demand: A parent is woken up at 3:00 AM because their child is vomiting. They finally fall asleep around 5:00 AM, only to receive an angry text at 8:01 AM (one minute after the exchange time) that reads: "WHERE ARE YOU? You're late. I'm taking this to the PC." No grace, no inquiry, just an accusation.</li><li>The Gatekeeper: A parent refuses an exchange, claiming the child has "walking pneumonia" based on a mild cough, and then refuses to provide any pediatrician notes or allow a brief phone call with the doctor. This is a clear attempt to monopolize the child's care and frustrate the other parent’s parenting time. </li></ol>This type of communication creates a high-stakes, devastating atmosphere for the child. It transforms a simple fever into an anxiety-fueled parenting time crisis.<h3>The Child’s Needs Come First</h3>The reality is that childhood is filled with multiple illnesses. Parents will miss work. Exchange times will sometimes need to be flexible, especially if a long commute is involved. The only thing that matters is the well-being of your child.This is an opportunity to lean on your strengths as co-parents:<ul><li>Flexibility: Does one parent have a more flexible work schedule? Can they work from home to care for the sick child? Be open to adjusting the schedule temporarily, even if it means sacrificing a few of your hours.</li><li>Communication: Who has the child's temperature? What did the doctor say? Is the fever improving or worsening? Your communication must be timely, transparent, and factual.</li><li>Creative Solutions: If your child is too ill for the exchange, you need a plan for care that prioritizes comfort and recovery. &nbsp;It may require a later exchange time or that one parent assumes all care until the child is well enough for travel or the exchange.&nbsp; </li></ul>Utilizing Your Communication ProtocolsOne of the most essential functions of a Parenting Coordinator is to set up a clear communication protocol right at the outset of our work together.These protocols require you to provide transparent and timely notice of an illness, including facts like a temperature reading, doctor's diagnosis, and prognosis. This system is designed specifically to prevent the monopolizing of the illness as a method of gatekeeping or creating conflict.If you are struggling to make these very simple, logical arrangements yourselves, your Parenting Coordinator is ready to step in. We can quickly establish a binding, temporary care plan to prevent unnecessary, prolonged conflict and ensure your sick child gets the calm, focused care they deserve.This cold and flu season, remember: your child's fever is a call to teamwork, not a cue for conflict.&nbsp;Are you struggling to manage illness exchanges? Contact me today to establish clear, constructive communication protocols for your co-parenting plan.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a &nbsp;family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Read &nbsp;<a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-words-hurt--swearing--emotional-modeling--and-your-child-s-sense-of-safety" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-words-hurt--swearing--emotional-modeling--and-your-child-s-sense-of-safety">Swear Words</a> or <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/why-sharing-your-location-with-your-co-parent-is-optimal--a-guide-to-respect-and-safety" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/why-sharing-your-location-with-your-co-parent-is-optimal--a-guide-to-respect-and-safety">Location Sharin</a>g &nbsp;and other articles about "the best interests of the child" in our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

Cold & Flu Season: The Time for Co-Parenting Teamwork

closeup photo of snow near trees at daytime

<h3>Parenting Coordination: Structure When Conflict Has Taken Over</h3>Parenting coordination (PC) is a specialized post‑order process designed for families experiencing ongoing, high‑level conflict—often after years of strained communication, repeated litigation, and significant emotional exhaustion.For many parents, the PC process is structured and facilitative. It provides a contained forum for implementing existing parenting arrangements, clarifying expectations under court orders or agreements, and resolving day‑to‑day parenting issues through defined process rather than open‑ended negotiation.In a smaller number of cases, however, conflict has become entrenched. Communication repeatedly breaks down, orders are not followed, and the parenting system itself becomes unstable. In those situations, the role of the Parenting Coordinator necessarily shifts. The priority becomes restoring predictability and stability for the child through clear structure, consistent process, and timely implementation decisions within the authority granted.This page explains how that structure works—and why it is essential to fairness.<h3>A Structured Process, Not an Emotional Contest</h3>Parenting coordination is not a forum for deciding who is right, who is more reasonable, or whose feelings are more justified. It is a forward‑looking, child‑centred process governed by court orders or written agreements.Emotions are real and understandable in high-conflict families. They are acknowledged. But they do not drive decisions.Fairness in parenting coordination comes from:• applying the same rules to both parents• relying on written agreements and orders rather than persuasion• making decisions based on objective criteria• ensuring that one parent’s intensity or distress does not disadvantage the otherThis is why, when the process moves into a Determination, the focus becomes calm, neutral, and procedural. That shift is with written notice, intentional—and protective.<h3>When Responsibility Is Avoided and Chaos Increases</h3>High-conflict dynamics often include patterns such as repeated blame, revisiting past grievances, or creating urgency and confusion around routine parenting matters. While these behaviours may arise from stress, they increase instability for children and significantly increase costs for families.Our approach: action over debate.We do not revisit history other than related to implementation of orders or agreements, and we do not attempt to resolve emotional disputes within a Determination. Instead, the Parenting Coordinator identifies:• what decision is required• what the governing order or agreement says• what outcome best restores stability for the childIf an obligation is missed—such as an exchange, a deadline, or required information—the focus is on the next workable step, not fault-finding (although it is recorded for an accurate process record). Parents may attempt resolution through OFW where appropriate. If that does not resolve the issue, the PC will move the matter forward with a recommendation or Determination provided the PC has jurisdiction.<h3>Cost clarity:</h3>The most effective way to reduce parenting coordination costs is consistent compliance with timelines, communication rules, and agreements. Prolonged back‑and‑forth does not create fairness; it increases expense.<h3>Participation Is Required for the Process to Work</h3>Parenting coordination depends on participation. When parents cancel meetings, refuse to engage in required process steps, or overwhelm the process with excessive or unfocused communication, progress stalls and costs increase.Our approach is to apply the structure neutrally.From the outset, the Parenting Coordinator manages the process set out in the appointing order and participation agreement in an even‑handed manner. Required steps apply to both parents equally. Where a parent refuses or fails to complete a necessary step to allow implementation to proceed, the Parenting Coordinator may, where authorized, move the matter forward by recommendation or Determination so the process does not stall.This is not punitive. It ensures that one parent cannot control outcomes through non‑participation or delay.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Communication Agreements Clear communication parameters exist to ensure that parenting decisions can be made efficiently and in accordance with existing orders or agreements. Communications must be limited to information necessary to resolve the issue before the Parenting Coordinator and must comply with the agreed format, length, and timing requirements.Messages that are repetitive, excessive in volume, or not directed to an implementable parenting issue may be reviewed for context but may result in additional billed time or a direction to proceed to Determination. This is not punitive; it prevents one parent from gaining advantage through volume, delay, or escalation. Following recent caselaw, determinations will not be made on subjective behavioral requirements that may still exist in older communication agreements.&nbsp;<h3>Deadlines</h3>When a parent does not respond within the stated timeframe (typically 24 hours unless otherwise specified), the process does not pause. The Parenting Coordinator may proceed (with notice and instructions) to Determination as an implementation requirement, so that parenting decisions are not indefinitely delayed. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Simply put, if a parent does not complete a required step necessary to implement an existing order or agreement, the Parenting Coordinator may proceed to Determination, with notice, so that the parenting arrangement is not stalled by non‑participation.This protects the child from uncertainty and prevents one parent from controlling outcomes through non‑participation.<h3>When the Process Itself Is Challenged</h3>In high-conflict cases, it is not uncommon for frustration to shift toward the neutral professional. Allegations of bias or unfairness often arise when decisions are no longer negotiable.Our approach: documentation and redirection.The Parenting Coordinator does not argue or defend personally. Instead, responses return to:• the written court order or agreement• documented communication• the applicable best‑interest standardEvery recommendation and Determination is grounded in the child’s best interests, not parental preference or perception of fairness. This objective standard functions as a safeguard for everyone involved.A detailed written record is maintained throughout the process. When misunderstandings occur, the record—not memory or interpretation—provides clarity.<h3>Why Consistency Matters</h3>For children living in high-conflict families, unpredictability is deeply distressing. One of the most effective ways to reduce conflict is to make it ineffective.The Parenting Coordinator’s role is to be:• predictable• consistent• bound by structure• emotionally neutral when decisions are madeThis is not coldness. It is fairness.By applying the same rules, timelines, and standards to both parents—every time—the process removes incentives for escalation, argument, or delay. Over time, this consistency often reduces conflict precisely because it does not respond to it.The goal is not to punish behaviour, but to restore stability so children can rely on their parenting system again.<span data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. For further reading about our process visit <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/the-method" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/the-method" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Method</a><span data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> page.&nbsp; For further reading if a co-parent is obstructing the PC process, read: <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-co-parent-obstructs-the-pc-process" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-co-parent-obstructs-the-pc-process" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">What to Do When Your Co-parent Obstructs the PC Process</a><span data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> and <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-pc-process-has-teeth--understanding-enforcement-and-determinations" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-pc-process-has-teeth--understanding-enforcement-and-determinations" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Understanding Enforcement</a><span data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">. &nbsp; © 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

When Cooperation Stops: How the Parenting Coordination Process Manages High Conflict

This article is intended as general parenting information only. It does not provide legal advice, parenting coordination, or individualized recommendations, and it cannot account for the specific dynamics of any particular family. The question of when to give a child a smartphone—and access to social media—is one of the most complex parenting decisions today. For parents with shared parental responsibility of children, especially those with developmental disabilities like Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD, or intellectual disability, this decision carries even more weight.There is no single "magic age." While some experts recommend waiting until at least the end of 8th grade (around age 13-14) for a smartphone for neurotypical children to mitigate risks like cyberbullying, addiction, and poor sleep, the needs of a neurodivergent child require a more individualized assessment. Their readiness is less about their birth date and more about their unique developmental profile, communication needs, and safety vulnerability.Here is a general guide based on numerous articles and opinions to help you assess readiness and establish healthy boundaries, considering the unique challenges and potential benefits for all children.&nbsp;Part 1: Assessing Readiness – It's Not Just About Age &nbsp; <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">For all children, but especially those who are neurodivergent, a child's maturity and responsibility are the most critical factors.Readiness Factor: Key Questions for All Children Special Considerations for Neurodivergent Children&nbsp; <ul><li>Responsibility &amp; Impulse Control Can your child consistently follow household rules? Do they generally apologize for hurting a friend's feelings?<ul><li>ADHD &amp; Intellectual Disability: Children with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity, making them more likely to post regrettable content or become addicted to the constant stimulation. Children with intellectual disability may struggle with understanding consequences and money management (e.g., in-app purchases).</li></ul></li><li>Social Awareness How well does your child pick up on social cues, tone, and sarcasm in face-to-face interactions<ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>ASD &amp; Intellectual Disability: Many children with ASD are concrete, literal thinkers. Text and social media can lack the context of nonverbal cues, making them extremely vulnerable to misunderstandings, manipulation, and cyberbullying. They may not realize they are being teased or targeted.</li></ul></li></ul></li><li>Safety &amp; Privacy Does your child understand that their digital footprint is permanent? Do they know to never share personal information with strangers?<ul><li>All Neurodivergent Children: This group is at a significantly higher risk for cyberbullying, online harassment, and exploitation. Clear, concrete examples and role-playing on what to share and what is inappropriate are essential teaching tools.</li></ul></li><li>Emotion Regulation How does your child typically manage anxiety or frustration? Do they use screens as their only coping mechanism?<ul><li>Excessive screen use can exacerbate existing challenges like sensory overload, sleep disruption, and anxiety in children with ASD. For children with ADHD, it can be a source of constant, addictive stimulation that draws focus away from important activities. </li></ul></li><li>Parental Preparedness Are you, the parent, ready to model responsible screen use, set clear rules, and consistently monitor their activity? Your role in monitoring and teaching is even more critical. You should be prepared to look at texts, review privacy settings, and have ongoing, open conversations about their online experiences. &nbsp; </li></ul>Part 2: Differentiating Between a Phone and Social Media Access<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It's vital for parents to understand that a cell phone does not automatically equal social media. You can delay social media access even after providing a smartphone, or opt for a basic device.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">1. The Smartphone vs. Basic Phone DecisionFor a child, especially a neurodivergent one, the primary purpose of a device is often safety and communication with family.<ul><li>Consider a Basic Phone or Smartwatch First: Alternatives like GPS watches or "dumb phones" that allow for calls, pre-set texts, and GPS tracking can offer the necessary safety features without the internet browser, app store, and social media distractions.</li><li>A "Call and Text Only" Phase: If a smartphone is needed, you can initially lock down its functionality, allowing only calls and texts to trusted contacts until your child demonstrates consistent responsibility. &nbsp; 2. The Social Media Question</li></ul>&nbsp;For many children, particularly those with existing social and emotional vulnerabilities, no social media may be the safest and most beneficial path.<ul><li>Potential Benefits for Neurodivergent Youth Significant Risks for Neurodivergent Youth Low-Pressure Communication: Typing can remove the pressure of non-verbal cues and real-time social demands (eye contact, body language), reducing social anxiety for those with ASD.</li><li>Cyberbullying: Neurodivergent children are at a significantly higher risk for cyberbullying, which can severely impact mental health.</li><li>Interest-Based Connections: Social media platforms allow for finding communities based on niche interests, fostering a sense of belonging that may be hard to find in person.</li><li>Addiction &amp; Hyper-Focus: The fast-paced, highly stimulating nature of social media is particularly addictive for children with ADHD, and the "need for completion" can hook children with ASD indefinitely.</li><li>Self-Advocacy &amp; Identity: Connecting with other neurodivergent individuals can aid in developing a strong self-identity and sense of community.</li><li>Sleep Disruption: Screen light and the psychological need to check for messages disrupts sleep, which is already a high-risk area for autistic youth.</li><li>Learning &amp; Life Skills: Technology can be an effective tool for teaching life skills through gamified learning and apps.</li><li>Exposure to Predators &amp; Exploitation: Literal thinking and social naivety increase the risk of being misled or manipulated by online predators. </li></ul>Part 3: Establishing a Media Plan for Co-Parents<ul><li>A unified approach between parents is crucial for consistency and safety.</li><li></li></ul><ul><li>Create a Family Media Agreement/Contract: Put all rules in writing. This should cover:</li><li>Screen-Free Zones: No devices at the dinner table, in bedrooms overnight, or during homework. Screen Time Limits: Establish clear, regulated time frames. For example, for children aged 7-12, recommended daily screen time is often between 1-1.5 hours. Content Rules: Specific, concrete rules about what can be watched, what is appropriate to share, and what to do if they see something upsetting. Parental Monitoring is Non-Negotiable: Agree that you will know all passwords, routinely check their device activity, and use parental control apps to filter content, enforce downtime, and track location. This is not about a lack of trust; it is a safety measure to protect a child who is developmentally vulnerable.</li></ul>Use Technology to Teach, Not Just Control: Engage with your child's online world. Play a game with them, watch a video they like, and use real-life events to teach about online etiquette, digital reputation, and recognizing malicious intent. The decision to introduce a smartphone and social media is a fluid, ongoing process. By prioritizing your child’s developmental maturity, focusing on their specific vulnerabilities, and maintaining a coordinated, communicative, and monitored approach, you can help them navigate the digital world safely.In separated or high‑conflict families, alignment is not always achievable. The suggestions below are aspirational and informational, not requirements. Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator with 28 years of family law experience in British Columbia. For a second article on this common topic, click <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/high-conflict-co-parenting-and-the-iphone--a-guide-to-navigating-a-digital-minefield" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/high-conflict-co-parenting-and-the-iphone--a-guide-to-navigating-a-digital-minefield">Smartphones</a>. For other articles on how BC law is applied to specific situations using "the best interests of the child test", look at our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.&nbsp;

Determining Smartphone and Social Media Readiness

<h2>Extracurricular Activities Under Shared Parental Responsibilities</h2><h3>Implementing Court Orders and Parenting Coordination Agreements</h3>Extracurricular activities such as sports, dance, and music lessons are often meaningful and positive experiences for children. They support development, confidence, and social connection.When parents share parental responsibilities under a court order or family law agreement, decisions about extracurricular activities must be handled carefully, transparently, and in a manner consistent with the specific parenting framework that applies to them.Where parenting coordination is in place, the Parenting Coordinator’s role, authority, and scope depend entirely on the jurisdiction delegated by the parents or the court through the appointing order, family law agreement, and applicable participation agreement. As a British Columbia Roster Parenting Coordinator, this work is carried out using the most current standard participation agreement, and only within the authority expressly or implicitly conferred.This article explains how extracurricular activities are addressed where parenting coordination jurisdiction includes assisting with communication and the implementation of shared parental responsibilities, and how section 40(2) of British Columbia’s Family Law Act (FLA) informs best practice in that context.<h3>Section 40(2) and Shared Decision‑Making</h3>Section 40(2) of the FLA provides that, unless an agreement or order says otherwise, parents who share parental responsibilities are expected to consult with each other about decisions affecting their child.The section states, in part, that parents are to exercise their responsibilities “in consultation with each other.”Section 40(2) does not resolve every disagreement, nor does it eliminate conflict. It does, however, establish a legislative expectation of consultation, communication, and information‑sharing where responsibilities are shared.Where a Parenting Coordinator has jurisdiction to assist with implementation, section 40(2) is applied as an implementation standard, particularly in high‑conflict cases where unilateral decision‑making or information control has undermined shared parental responsibilities.<h3>Parenting Coordination and Disclosure Obligations</h3>Where parenting coordination jurisdiction includes implementing shared parental responsibilities, meaningful disclosure is required so that consultation can occur as contemplated by the order or agreement.This includes disclosure about:• Proposed extracurricular activities• Waiting lists• Schedules, locations, and time commitments• Costs• How the activity would affect parenting timeNon‑disclosure cannot be used as a form of gatekeeping or indirect decision‑making.Within the scope of delegated authority, parenting coordination does not permit one parent to:• Act first and disclose later• Preserve an advantage by withholding information• Control access to activities by managing information flowWithout disclosure, consultation cannot occur. Without consultation, shared parental responsibilities cannot be implemented as ordered.<h3>Waiting Lists Do Not Decide the Issue</h3>Placing a child on a waiting list does not determine whether the child will participate in an activity.A waiting list simply preserves availability. Where parents share parental responsibilities:• A waiting list does not authorize unilateral enrollment• It does not resolve disagreement• It does not bypass the parenting coordination process where one appliesParents are expected to disclose the opportunity as soon as it is known and to raise the issue for discussion before further steps are taken.<h3>How to Make an Activity Proposal Appropriately</h3>Where a process specifies a communication platform, proposals regarding extracurricular activities should be made in writing using that platform. As a matter of implementation‑focused coaching, proposals should be limited to information necessary to allow consultation to occur, including the nature of the activity, schedule, time commitment, costs, and impact on parenting time. The purpose of the proposal is to support consultation and implementation, not persuasion, argument, or outcome control.The proposal should contain:• The name and nature of the activity• Schedule and location• Time commitment• Costs and proposed payment arrangement• Why the activity may be appropriate given the child’s age, needs, and existing schedule<h3>What to Avoid</h3>(General parenting coordination coaching only, not the exercise of binding authority)• Avoid framing the proposal as “the child wants this”• Avoid presenting the child as having already committed• Avoid repeatedly discussing the proposal with the childChildren are usually open to many activities. Over‑discussion can unintentionally create stress, pressure, or loyalty conflicts.Children’s preferences are important, but they should be gathered neutrally by both parents, using open‑ended questions, without coaching or pre‑loading expectations.<h3>Gatekeeping and Loyalty Conflicts</h3>Children are particularly sensitive to gatekeeping — situations where extracurricular activities are used to:• Exclude the other parent• Interfere with parenting time• Create loyalty conflicts• Position one parent as supportive and the other as obstructiveUsing extracurricular activities in this way is generally inconsistent with the purpose and operation of shared parental responsibilities, particularly where those responsibilities require consultation, information‑sharing, and protection of the child from loyalty conflicts. Unless a court order or agreement expressly authorizes unilateral decision‑making or exclusion, shared parental responsibilities do not permit one parent to control or restrict the other parent’s involvement through activities.<h3>Neutrality in Activities Matters</h3>Where parents share parental responsibilities, and absent compelling child‑specific circumstances, extracurricular arrangements that lack neutrality are often difficult to implement without conflict.Examples include:• Activities held exclusively at one parent’s home• Instruction provided by a close friend of one parent• Scheduling that predictably undermines the other parent’s parenting timeFor example, lessons held at one parent’s home with an instructor personally connected to that parent — particularly where the other parent is excluded — may raise implementation concerns in shared‑responsibility cases.Activities should be:• Logistically reasonable• Accessible to both parents• Balanced with the child’s overall scheduleThere is also a practical limit to how many extracurricular activities a child can reasonably manage. Depending on the child’s circumstances, overscheduling or using activities to control parenting time may be inconsistent with shared parental responsibilities when parents disagree.<h3>Supporting the Child’s Experience</h3>Extracurricular activities belong to the child. When parents are able to support participation without conflict, children benefit from:• Emotional safety• Stability• A sense that both parents support their interestsChildren do best when parents behave respectfully toward each other, toward instructors, and toward organizers — even when disagreements exist elsewhere.<h3>Shared Participation Guidelines</h3>(General coaching consistent with shared parental responsibilities, not binding conduct regulation)When both parents attend activities:• Maintain respectful physical and emotional distance as needed• Avoid arguments, negative remarks, or hostile behaviour• Avoid involving third parties in parental conflictDuring the other parent’s parenting time, it is often appropriate for that parent to take the lead unless otherwise agreed.Brief private time for greetings and goodbyes can be accommodated where possible, as this supports the child’s sense of connection and security.Awards or certificates typically go home with the parent who has parenting time. Requests for copies can be made calmly and in writing afterward.<h3>In Summary</h3>Where parents share parental responsibilities and parenting coordination jurisdiction is in place:• Consultation is an expected practice under section 40(2)• Disclosure is required to implement shared decision‑making• Waiting lists do not decide issues• Extracurricular activities should not be used as gatekeeping toolsParenting coordination exists to assist with the implementation of court orders and agreements as written, within delegated jurisdiction, and with a consistent focus on supporting children’s stability and reducing their exposure to adult conflict.When parents prioritize transparency, neutrality, and respectful communication, extracurricular activities can remain what they are meant to be — a positive and stabilizing part of a child’s life.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a &nbsp;family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia.&nbsp; Read more about <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being">Why Extracurricular Activities are Essential for Child Development</a> &nbsp;and <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/why-secret-activities-are-co-parenting-poison" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/why-secret-activities-are-co-parenting-poison">Secret Activities are Co-parenting Poison</a>. For further reading visit our <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

Extracurricular Activities for your Child

Voice recorder on a smartphone. Voice recording wave on the screen of a smartphone. Recording sounds on a smartphone. Voice recorder noise level wave.

Parenting Coordination is designed to help parents implement existing parenting arrangements and reduce conflict that affects children. For that work to be effective, the process depends on openness, candour, and a shared understanding of how information is handled.One issue that occasionally causes difficulty is the recording of conversations without notice or consent. Because this can undermine the process itself, it is important to understand how recording is addressed in Parenting Coordination.<h2>Recording and the Parenting Coordination Process</h2>Participation in Parenting Coordination is governed by the appointing order and the applicable participation agreement. These documents set out clear expectations about confidentiality and privacy, including limits on recording meetings or communications without the express, written consent of all participants.These provisions are not about secrecy or control. They exist to ensure that Parenting Coordination functions as intended: a problem‑solving process focused on implementation rather than evidence‑gathering.<h3>Why Undisclosed Recording Creates Problems</h3>Parenting Coordination is not a court process. It is not adversarial, and it does not operate on the assumption that conversations are being preserved for later use. The work often involves plain language, clarification of misunderstandings, and frank discussion of options and consequences within the scope of existing orders.When a conversation is secretly recorded, several difficulties arise.First, it changes how people communicate. Participants may become guarded, less willing to speak openly, or reluctant to explore solutions if they believe their words may later be extracted from context and repurposed.Second, recordings almost never capture full context. The person controlling the recording decides when it starts and stops. Tone, lead‑up, clarification, and resolution are often missing. In an implementation‑focused process, partial records can distort rather than clarify what actually occurred.Third, recording can shift the focus away from children and toward positioning. When energy is spent preserving material “just in case,” the process can quietly move from problem‑solving to self‑protection. That shift tends to prolong conflict rather than reduce it.<h3>Criminal Law Versus Process Expectations</h3>Some parents are told that recording a conversation is lawful if they are a participant. Whether or not recording meets the threshold of a criminal offence is a separate question from whether it is appropriate within a voluntary, contract‑based dispute resolution process.Parenting Coordination is governed by the terms of participation and by professional standards, not solely by criminal law. Conduct that is technically lawful can still be inconsistent with the expectations of the process the parents have agreed to use.<h3>Raising Concerns Without Recording</h3>Recording is not necessary to raise concerns, seek clarification, or set boundaries.If a parent is troubled by something said during a meeting or conversation, a constructive approach is to document their recollection and raise the issue directly. For example:• noting the comment and the context in which it was made• asking for clarification about what was intended• explaining how the comment was received• identifying what would be helpful going forwardStating one’s perception and requesting clarity or adjustment does not require proof or recordings. Parenting Coordination is not about proving misconduct; it is about addressing issues so implementation can continue.<h3>Transparency Outside the PC Process</h3>Parents sometimes ask about recording interactions outside of Parenting Coordination sessions. As with many aspects of post‑separation parenting, transparency is key.Where communication is intended to be business‑like and predictable, undisclosed recording can erode what limited trust exists. Clear, upfront communication about boundaries and expectations is generally more consistent with the goals of reducing conflict and protecting children from ongoing parental disputes.<h3>Keeping the Focus Where It Belongs</h3>The purpose of Parenting Coordination is not to determine fault, assign blame, or build records for future proceedings. Its purpose is to help parents move forward under existing orders in a way that limits children’s exposure to conflict.Practices that increase suspicion, defensiveness, or strategic positioning tend to work against that goal. Practices that promote clarity, openness, and predictability tend to support it.Children benefit most when adult processes remain adult, transparent, and focused on resolution rather than surveillance.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Cori has many other articles on the parenting coordination process including: <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-pc-process-has-teeth--understanding-enforcement-and-determinations" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-pc-process-has-teeth--understanding-enforcement-and-determinations" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Understanding Enforcement</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-cooperation-stops--how-the-parenting-coordination-process-manages-high-conflict" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-cooperation-stops--how-the-parenting-coordination-process-manages-high-conflict" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When a Co-operation Stops</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, and when the Process is failing, <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-pc-agreements-are-ignored--enforcement-and-capacity" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-pc-agreements-are-ignored--enforcement-and-capacity" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When Written Agreements are Ignored</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">. Further reading by subject is found in our <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resource Library</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

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Determining Smartphone and Social Media Readiness

Extracurricular Activities for your Child

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