Do You Really Want Change? The Neuroscience of High-Conflict Divorce

When parents enter Parenting Coordination (PC), they often say they want peace. They say they want the conflict to stop for the sake of their children. Yet, when presented with the tools to achieve that peace—Zoom conferences, educational readings, or structured communication—many resist.

They choose the "scorched earth" path: the 3:00 AM adversarial email, the blame-shifting, and the refusal to engage in person-to-person dialogue.

Why is it so hard to let go, even when we know the conflict is destroying our children’s childhoods? The answer lies in the survival centers of the human brain.

1. The Biology of Betrayal
When the person you loved and trusted most in the world hurts you, the brain doesn’t just process it as a "sad event." It processes it as a threat to survival. The amygdala—the brain's alarm system—goes into a permanent state of "red alert." When you are in this state, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for logic, parenting, and long-term planning) effectively goes offline.

In this "Limbic Hijack," you aren't thinking about your child’s soccer schedule; you are thinking about survival. This is why parents choose "scorched earth" tactics. Punishment feels like protection.

2. The Addiction to the Conflict
Neuroscience shows that high-conflict interactions can actually become addictive. Anger provides a surge of adrenaline and cortisol. For some, the intense "fight" with an ex-partner is the only way they know how to maintain a connection to that person, even if that connection is toxic.

Resistance to Parenting Coordination often stems from a fear of letting go of that "drug." To move to a Zoom call or a civil conversation is to lose the protective armor of the keyboard.

Emails allow us to dehumanize the other party.
Screens and text provide a "buffer" where we can lob grenades without seeing the shrapnel hit.

3. Why We Resist the "Work"
We see it often: clients refuse to attend Zoom calls or ignore free educational resources. Why? Because healing requires emotional regulation, and emotional regulation is exhausting.

It is much easier to blame, criticize, and send a ten-paragraph email than it is to sit in the discomfort of your own triggers and choose a different response. However, emotional regulation is not an optional "extra"—it is a vital life skill. If you do not model it, your children cannot learn it.

4. The Cost of the "Email Path"
The preference for adversarial emailing over direct conversation isn't just emotionally damaging; it’s inefficient.

• Financial Drain: It takes hours of legal fees to resolve a dispute via email that could be settled in a 10-minute moderated conversation.
• Time Theft: Every hour spent crafting an "argument" is an hour stolen from your children’s peace.
• The Hard Truth: Whether or not there is a personality disorder involved, the result is the same. High conflict destroys the "attachment security" children need to thrive.

Choosing a New Path
Parenting Coordination is designed to break the cycle of the "scorched earth" mentality. It requires you to step out of the past—out of the betrayal and the hurt—and into a business-like, child-focused future.

It’s time to ask yourself: Do I love my children more than I hate my ex? If the answer is yes, then the path forward requires healing, communicating, and finally putting down the weapons.