Cori L. McGuire Parenting Coordinator

The Method to Escape the Drama

Co-parenting after separation or divorce often feels like walking through a minefield. One wrong step, one poorly worded email, and you're back in the thick of an old argument. If you constantly find yourself entangled in conflict, feeling like a victim, and struggling to move past annoyances, you are not alone. Many parents feel run by the drama, unable to regulate their emotions and find peace.

But what if there was a way to rise above it? A way to communicate with your co-parent that de-escalates conflict, protects your emotional energy, and ultimately serves your children's best interests?

As a Parenting Coordinator, I empower parents to do just that with three simple strategies. I equip you with practical tools to transform your communication and escape the endless drama. Many of these effective strategies come from the brilliant work of Bill Eddy and the High Conflict Institute in the USA. I highly recommend exploring their resources at www.HighConflictInstitute.com.

Let's dive into some key strategies that can change your co-parenting game.
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Strategy 1: The Power of BIFF – Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm

This is a cornerstone of respectful, effective communication, especially when emotions run high. BIFF helps you craft messages that get your point across without inviting conflict.

Brief: Keep your communication short and to the point. Long, rambling emails often get bogged down in unnecessary details, past grievances, and emotional tangents. Stick to the essential facts.

Example of NOT Brief: "I'm so tired of you always being late. Last Tuesday you were 20 minutes late, and the week before it was 15, which messed up my whole evening plan with Sarah because I couldn't get her to gymnastics on time and she was so upset, just like when we were married and you were always late..."

Example of Brief: "Confirming Sarah's pickup on Tuesday at 5 pm."

Informative: Provide only the necessary information. Don't speculate, accuse, or bring in unrelated issues. Just the facts, ma'am (or sir!).

Example of Informative: "Sarah has a dental appointment next Monday at 3 pm. I will pick her up from school at 2:45 pm."

Friendly: Even if you're feeling anything but friendly, maintaining a polite and respectful tone is crucial. A friendly opening or closing can soften the message and make the other person more receptive. Remember, "firm" does not mean "rude" – it means polite and clear.

Example of Friendly: "Hi [Co-Parent's Name], hope you're having a good week." or "Thanks for your help with this."

Firm: Be clear about your boundaries or what needs to happen, without being aggressive or accusatory. This means stating your message directly and politely, without room for misinterpretation or further debate.

Example of Firm: "I will pick up the kids at 5:00 PM as per our agreement." or "Please let me know by Friday if that time works for you."

Putting BIFF into Practice:

Imagine you need to change a parenting time schedule because you're attending a wedding. Instead of a vague request or an emotional plea, a BIFF communication might look like this:

"Hi [Co-Parent's Name], hope you're well. I'm attending a family wedding on June 15th and would need to adjust our parenting schedule for that weekend. Would it be possible for you to have the children from Friday evening until Sunday evening? I would be happy to make up the time on [suggest alternative date]."

This is brief, informative, friendly, and firm in its request and proposed solution.

Strategy 2: Making a Proposal – Focus on Solutions, Not Problems

Another powerful tool from Bill Eddy is "Making a Proposal." Instead of just complaining or pointing out problems, this method encourages you to always come to the table with a suggested solution.

  1. Identify the issue: What's the specific problem that needs to be solved?
  2. State your proposal clearly: Offer a concrete, actionable solution.
  3. Explain why (briefly, if needed): How does your proposal address the issue or benefit the children?
  4. Offer flexibility: Be open to discussion and alternative solutions.

Example (without a proposal): "The kids' homework isn't getting done on your time. This is a real problem." (This often invites argument).

Example (Making a Proposal): "I've noticed the children are falling behind on their homework. I propose we implement a consistent homework hour each evening, regardless of who they are with, to ensure they complete their assignments. Would you be open to discussing how we can best implement this?" (This focuses on a solution and invites collaboration.)

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Strategy 3: The Art of "No JADE" – Justify, Argue, Defend, or Emotionally Engage

This is tricky, but absolutely transformative. High-conflict co-parents often thrive on pulling you into a cycle of JADE. When you JADE, you inadvertently fuel the conflict.

  • Justify: You feel the need to explain your actions or decisions extensively.
  • Argue: You get drawn into a back-and-forth debate about who is right or wrong.
  • Defend: You try to protect yourself from accusations or blame.
  • Emotionally Engage: You react to their provocations with anger, frustration, sadness, or any strong emotion.

Why No JADE is so powerful: When you refuse to JADE, you withhold the "fuel" that the conflict needs to burn. You become less reactive and more strategic.

Co-Parent says: "You're always late! You obviously don't care about our children's schedule."

Your JADE response: "That's not fair! I was only 5 minutes late last time because of traffic, and I called ahead! I care deeply about their schedule; you're the one who..." (You're justifying, arguing, defending, and getting emotionally engaged.)

Your No JADE response (using BIFF principles): "I understand your concern about punctuality. I will ensure I am on time for pickup." (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm – and no JADE.)

This response doesn't justify, argue, defend, or emotionally engage. It acknowledges, states a commitment, and effectively ends the unproductive conversation.

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Rising Above the Drama: More Wisdom for Your Journey

  1. Detachment is your superpower: It's hard, but learn to emotionally detach from your co-parent's drama. Their behavior is about them, not you.
  2. Focus on what you can control: You can't control your co-parent's actions, but you can control your own responses, boundaries, and commitment to the children's well-being.
  3. Document, don't dwell: Keep objective records of communication if needed, but don't re-read old emails just to rehash past conflicts.
  4. Prioritize in-person/Zoom meetings for complex issues: While email has its place, it's often best for factual updates. For discussions, problem-solving, or anything emotionally charged, a structured meeting (with your Parenting Coordinator, if necessary) is far more effective.

Learning these skills takes practice and patience. But by embracing BIFF, Making a Proposal, and the art of No JADE, you can evolve beyond the endless drama, regulate your emotions, and create a calmer, more predictable co-parenting environment for everyone, especially your children. As your parenting coordinator we will make legally binding determinations (enforced as a court order when filed with the court) as needed when mediation fails to provide a resolution.

Ready to transform your co-parenting communication? Contact me today to learn how I can help you implement these powerful strategies.

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