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Kid feeling upset while parents argue in room. Couple arguing around child. Impact of family conflicts or divorce. Sad girl hugging teddybear

The Invisible Wound: When a Child Rejects a Parent &nbsp;Parental separation can be one of the most difficult experiences a family faces. While many children navigate this transition with resilience, some unfortunately choose to reject a parent. This isn't just a simple case of a child being angry or difficult; it's a complex and deeply damaging dynamic. Often, this rejection starts with something minor a parent did, but it's fueled by a deeper, more insidious issue: parental alignment.This happens when one parent, often unintentionally, aligns with the child against the other parent. It can be tempting, especially if you feel hurt by your co-parent, to confide in your child, making them a friend or an emotional confidant. This oversharing, this blurring of boundaries, is catastrophic for the child. It forces them into an impossible position and, in fact, is a form of emotional child abuse.&nbsp; &nbsp;The Lifelong Cost of Parental Rejection &nbsp;Social science research is clear: children who reject a parent suffer from lifelong disadvantages and difficulties in future relationships. They may struggle with trust, intimacy, and conflict resolution. This is because a child's fundamental sense of security and identity is built on having a relationship with both parents. When one parent is systematically excluded, a vital part of the child's psychological foundation is missing. Rejecting a parent is not a solution; it's a symptom of a family in crisis.These children need to learn skills for navigating challenging situations and getting along with people, not just cutting them out of their lives. That's where parenting coordination becomes a crucial intervention.&nbsp; &nbsp;The Parenting Coordinator's Role: An Orchestrator of Healing &nbsp;As a parenting coordinator, my role is to act as an overseer of a structured counseling program for the entire family—not just the child. This process is designed to help the family move from a high-conflict dynamic to one of respectful, low-conflict co-parenting. The goal is to rebuild trust and create a new, healthier family narrative.The counseling program often follows these key stages:Individual Counseling for the Parents: Both parents work with a therapist to address their personal pain, anger, and communication deficits. The focus is on healing from past hurts so they can stop projecting their unresolved conflict onto the children. Child Counseling: A therapist works with the child to help them process their feelings without taking on the role of a parent's confidant or having to choose sides. The goal is to give the child a safe space to express themselves and begin to re-establish a healthy relationship with both parents. Co-Parenting Counseling: When both parents are ready, they enter therapy together to learn new communication skills, such as active listening and respectful disagreement. The goal is to demonstrate to the children that their parents can, in fact, work together. This is a powerful, corrective experience for a child who has witnessed constant conflict. The ultimate goal of this process is parallel parenting, where parents can parent their own way with minimal communication and no ongoing conflict. This isn't about becoming friends again; it's about moving past the hurt to create new experiences where trust can be rebuilt. Trust is not a feeling; it is the ability to rely on consistent, respectful communication—and this new foundation is what will secure your child's future well-being.Parenting coordination seeks to avoid court because litigation only exacerbates conflict. Instead, we work collaboratively to facilitate agreements between parents, improve their communication, and ensure compliance with the terms of their parenting plan. We do this with compassion and understanding, always with the child's best interest at the forefront.

Child Contact/ Alienation Problems

Are you tired of feeling stuck in the same cycle of conflict with your co-parent? Do you find yourself constantly replaying past hurts, feeling like a victim, while your co-parent is the villain? Many parents who come to me for parenting coordination are consumed by this very dynamic, often referred to as the drama triangle with its three roles: victim, persecutor, and rescuer. While these feelings are real and valid, living in this loop is not healthy for you, or your children.The past is a painful place, but it doesn't have to be your permanent home. When you're constantly looking backward, you're doing more than just reliving bad memories—you're poisoning your present and future. Stress hormones like cortisol flood your body, destroying your ability to enjoy the small moments and impacting your health. More importantly, this constant negativity can harm your children, who are caught in the crossfire of your unresolved pain.&nbsp; &nbsp;The Power of Forward Motion &nbsp;Think about the world's great spiritual masters and leaders. They've all emphasized the importance of letting go of the past. One powerful example is Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years in prison. Upon his release, he famously said that if he hadn't let go of the anger and bitterness, he would have remained in prison, even after gaining his freedom. His words underscore a profound truth: holding onto the past keeps you in a mental and emotional prison.Parenting coordination is your path out of that prison. It's an investment in your personal growth and a commitment to a better future. The goal isn't to erase the past, but to ensure that those painful experiences no longer control your life. This process isn't about blaming or finding fault; it's about making a few simple changes in your own conduct and focusing on what you can control.&nbsp; &nbsp;Redefining Victory &nbsp;In the world of co-parenting, winning isn't about proving who was right or wrong. True victory is about finding peace and stability for yourself and your children. This often means not reacting to old provocations and focusing on moving forward.Through parenting coordination, we will work to create a structured environment that minimizes conflict. We'll set clear guidelines and communication protocols. If needed, a parenting arrangement can be determined to provide clarity and reduce tension. While some situations may require litigation, remember that one of the most powerful options is often the simplest: doing nothing. By choosing not to engage in old patterns, you are choosing peace.Your investment in parenting coordination is a commitment to a magnificent life—one where you are no longer defined by your past but empowered by your present. It's time to stop looking back and start building the life you and your children deserve.

From Pain to Peace: How Parenting Coordination Helps You Move Forward

Here to offer comfort in your time of need

In the difficult and often overwhelming world of family law, you rely on professionals—judges, psychologists, and parenting coordinators—to help you navigate the storm. Their role is to be a steady hand, a neutral guide, and a voice of reason when you and your co-parent are unable to find common ground.But what happens when you feel those same professionals have let you down?I've worked with many clients who carry deep resentment not just toward their co-parent, but also toward the very people who were meant to help. The judge who made a decision you felt was unfair, the psychologist who wrote a parenting assessment that seemed to completely miss the mark, or even the parenting coordinator whose actions you believe caused harm.This feeling of being wronged can be just as potent and damaging as the anger you feel toward your co-parent. It keeps you stuck, replaying the "what if" scenarios and fueling a sense of injustice. The Hardest Thing We Can Ever Do &nbsp;As helping professionals, we know we don't always get it right. We are human, and so are the judges and psychologists you work with. We come to every case with the best intentions, but our work is often based on limited information and our own professional judgment. Sometimes, our decisions or recommendations simply don't align with your perspective or desires, even if they are made in what we believe to be the best interest of the child.Holding on to this resentment, however, does nothing but harm you. It ties you to the past, distracts you from the present, and prevents you from focusing on what truly matters: moving forward constructively for your children.One of the hardest things we can ever do in life is to look at our own conduct, consider the perspective of others, and find a way to forgive. This applies not only to your co-parent but also to the professionals you feel have wronged you. A Path to Resolution and Forgiveness &nbsp;You are not powerless. Rather than holding onto anger and a sense of injustice, you have a constructive way forward.In British Columbia, specifically within the world of parenting coordination, there is a built-in system designed to address your concerns without resorting to costly litigation or formal complaints to regulatory bodies.Direct Communication: The first step is to communicate your concerns directly to your parenting coordinator. Often, misunderstandings can be resolved through an open and honest conversation. Internal Service Complaint: If you feel the issue is more serious, you can make a service complaint directly to the parenting coordinator's internal organization. These processes are designed to be a no-fee way to address the issue, ensuring your concerns are heard and reviewed. Consensual Dispute Resolution: If the complaint is not resolved, the BC Parenting Coordination Roster has a formal consensual dispute resolution process. A neutral facilitator is appointed to help you and the parenting coordinator negotiate a compromise and find a resolution. This approach is designed to be less adversarial and more focused on mutual agreement, a far better option than going back to court. By engaging in these processes, you are taking an active, powerful step to address your concerns. You are letting go of the passive victim role and moving into the driver's seat. Reclaiming Your Joy &nbsp;Ultimately, releasing resentment toward a judge, a psychologist, or a parenting coordinator is a part of the larger journey of self-mastery. It is about understanding that you cannot control the past or the actions of others, but you can control your own conduct and attitude.Forgiveness is not a one-time magical act. It is a daily practice. It means choosing to let go of the anger you feel toward a flawed decision and instead focusing on the magnificent life you are creating for yourself and your children.If you find yourself stuck, remember this: every second you spend ruminating over a past decision is a second you are not spending in joy. The power to break free from that cycle lies within you. Take that power back. You deserve a magnificent life, and so do your children.&nbsp; If you are in BC and have a concern about your parenting coordinator's conduct, you have options. Please speak with your PC about a service complaint or reach out to the BC Parenting Coordination Roster to learn more about their dispute resolution process.

When the Helpers Hurt: Forgiving the Professionals in Your Co-Parenting Journey

When a relationship ends, especially one with children, it can feel like a part of you is stuck in the past. You may find yourself revisiting old hurts, replaying arguments, and reliving the pain of what went wrong. For many co-parents, this isn't just a fleeting feeling—it's a constant state of being.I've seen it time and again with clients who are trapped in a cycle of frustration, anger, and resentment. The person they once loved has become the source of their deepest pain, and as a result, trust has been shattered. They live in a past filled with accusations and threats, constantly reopening old wounds.This is what's known as the Drama Triangle, a concept often seen in family dynamics. In this triangle, you might see yourself as the Victim, your co-parent as the Perpetrator, and you desperately seek a Rescuer—your lawyer, psychologist, the court, or a parenting coordinator. But in a healthy, functional relationship, there is no drama triangle. The Cost of Living in the Past &nbsp;When we're stuck in this cycle, we’re not just harming ourselves; we’re hurting our children. Research shows that a parent's chronic rumination over past events can have a measurable negative impact on a child's well-being, affecting their future income and quality of life. This pattern can even lead to more serious issues.Every second we spend reliving the past is a second we lose in the present. We can’t find joy when we’re constantly looking in the rearview mirror. I know people who have been in anguish for 40 years over a single event. Think about the amount of life that was wasted.So, how do we break this cycle?&nbsp; &nbsp;The Only Way Forward is Through &nbsp;The answer, while simple, is far from easy. It’s a profound lesson that many spiritual and philosophical traditions have taught for centuries: you have to let go of the past and move forward. This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or excusing bad behavior. It means choosing to manage your own conduct and living with the greatest integrity possible, every single day.In healthy relationships, we practice good boundaries and learn to take minor pain to avoid major pain later. We see potential problems and proactively take steps to prevent them. And when we make a catastrophic mistake—as all people do—we must move forward constructively.The practice of letting go is like a muscle. You have to work it every day. It’s a daily struggle to master your emotions and your actions. This is where parenting coordination becomes so valuable. How a Parenting Coordinator Can Help &nbsp;As your parenting coordinator, I'm not here to be your rescuer in the drama triangle. Instead, I'm here to help you get out of it entirely. My role is to guide you and your co-parent to stop living in the past and start making constructive decisions for the future of your children.Together, we work on:Improving communication: We focus on clear, present-day communication rather than past grievances. Establishing boundaries: We help create a framework that defines what is acceptable and what isn’t, so you can predict and prevent future conflict. Problem-solving: We address current issues with a forward-looking mindset, teaching you how to manage conflict without resorting to threats or accusations. The goal is to shift your mindset from one of blame and rumination to one of integrity and action. The only attitude that makes life magnificent is an attitude of joy. It’s a choice you have to make every single day.If you are struggling to move past a difficult co-parenting situation, remember that you are not alone. And if you’re lucky enough to know someone who has survived some of life’s hardest challenges and still manages to stay positive, use them as your mentor. Their resilience is your guide.Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it is a practice. You practice it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday until you get it right. It’s a continuous effort that frees you to find joy, not just for yourself, but for your children.&nbsp; Are you ready to stop living in the past and start building a more peaceful future for you and your children?

Breaking Free from the Past: Finding Peace in Co-Parenting

As parents, you share a common goal: to raise a child who is emotionally resilient, secure, and capable of forming strong, lasting relationships. When parents separate, children often experience a range of emotions, and it's natural for them to express anxieties or preferences. However, sometimes these expressions, particularly around parenting time, can inadvertently place a burden on young children that they are not equipped to handle, and which can have significant long-term consequences.This guide is designed to help you understand why it's vital for young children to have consistent relationships with both parents (where safety is not an issue*), and how empowering them through structure and reassurance, rather than decision-making, fosters their emotional well-being and prepares them for a lifetime of healthy connections.The Developing Child: Why Young Children Need Parental Guidance Children under 10 are still developing their capacity for complex emotional regulation, long-term thinking, and understanding the nuances of adult relationships.<ul><li>Limited Emotional Coping Skills: While children can express feelings like "anxiety" or "discomfort," their ability to manage these intense emotions independently is limited. They often look to their parents for reassurance and structure.</li><li>Concrete Thinkers: Young children tend to think concretely. They may not fully grasp the concept of "long-term best interest" or the importance of maintaining relationships despite temporary discomforts.</li><li>Vulnerability to Influence: Children are highly attuned to their parents' emotions and opinions. They can unconsciously absorb a parent's negative feelings about the other parent, even if not explicitly stated. This can lead to a child articulating the parent's anxieties or preferences as their own.</li><li>The Burden of Choice: When a young child is put in charge of decisions about parenting time (e.g., "Do you want to go to Dad's tonight?"), it places an immense, inappropriate burden on them.<ul><li>Loyalty Conflict: They feel torn between pleasing one parent and being with the other. This creates internal conflict and guilt.</li><li>Sense of Control (False): While it may seem like giving them control, it actually fosters a sense of power over adult decisions, which they are not equipped to handle. This can lead to anxiety, manipulative behaviors, and a feeling that they are responsible for adult problems.</li><li>Avoidance of Discomfort: Children naturally seek comfort and avoid discomfort. If allowed to dictate parenting time based on fleeting anxieties, they learn to avoid any situation that feels challenging, hindering their ability to develop resilience.</li></ul></li></ul>Why "I Don't Feel Safe" Needs Careful Assessment (and Not Blind Acceptance) When a child states, "I don't feel safe," it requires immediate and careful attention. However, in the absence of *credible evidence of danger, this statement, especially from a young child, often reflects:<ul><li>Anxiety about transitions: Change is hard for children.</li><li>Loyalty conflicts: They feel pulled between two parents.</li><li>Exposure to a parent's negative views: They may be echoing a parent's feelings or anxieties about the other parent.</li><li>Misinterpretation of normal discomfort: A child's normal anxiety about separation or adapting to a different household may be expressed as "unsafe" because they lack the vocabulary for nuanced emotions. </li></ul>It is crucial to differentiate between a child expressing temporary discomfort or anxiety, and *a genuine, evidence-based threat to their safety. When no objective safety concerns exist, allowing a child to refuse parenting time based on these expressed feelings is detrimental. It's not the same as allowing a child to choose their favorite toy; it's about making a fundamental decision about their core relationships and development. &nbsp;The Long-Term Impact: Why Maintaining Both Parental Relationships Matters Research consistently shows the profound benefits for children when they maintain a healthy relationship with both parents, provided both parents are safe and loving.<ul><li>Emotional Security and Stability: Consistent relationships with both parents provide a broader base of love, support, and security. Children with strong bonds with both parents tend to have higher self-esteem and better emotional regulation (Fabricius et al., 2012; Amato &amp; Keith, 1991).</li><li>Reduced Anxiety and Depression: Children who feel comfortable and secure in their relationships with both parents are less likely to experience anxiety and depression often associated with parental conflict or alienation (Kelly &amp; Emery, 2003).</li><li>Improved Social Skills and Academic Performance: Children with strong parental relationships often demonstrate better social skills, are more adaptable, and tend to perform better academically (Amato &amp; Keith, 1991).</li><li>Resilience and Adaptability: Navigating different households and routines, with parental support, builds resilience and adaptability – crucial life skills. Healthy Adult Relationships: A child who learns that relationships can endure differences, and that love can be unconditional, is more likely to form secure, trusting, and lasting relationships in adulthood (Bowlby, 1969; Bowlby, 1988). When a child is allowed to cut off a parent, they learn that avoiding discomfort by severing essential ties is an acceptable coping mechanism. This can lead to significant pain, anxiety, and a sense of loss in their own adult relationships, as they may struggle with conflict resolution, forgiveness, and the idea of enduring love. </li></ul>Proactive Steps: Empowering Your Child (and Yourself) for Success Your role as a parent is to make decisions that serve your child's long-term best interests, even when those decisions might involve temporary discomfort for the child. This is analogous to taking your child to the doctor when they're scared, or insisting they go to school even when they don't want to – you know it's for their good.Here's how to proactively support your child in maintaining strong bonds with both parents:1.&nbsp; Shift from Child-Led Decisions to Parent-Led Structure:<ul><li>You are the Parent: It's your responsibility to make decisions about parenting time, not the child's. "Mommy/Daddy and I have decided that you will be going to [other parent's] house tonight/this weekend. We know you might feel a little nervous, and that's okay. We are here to help you."</li><li>Predictable Routine: Establish and stick to a consistent parenting time schedule. Predictability reduces anxiety for children.</li><li>Firm, Loving Boundaries: Communicate boundaries clearly and calmly. "It's time to get ready for Dad's. I know you'd rather stay here, but this is important for you and Dad to have your time together."</li></ul>2.&nbsp; Validate Feelings, Direct Behavior:<ul><li>Acknowledge Emotions: "I hear you saying you feel anxious/scared. It's okay to feel that way."</li><li>Reassure and Reframe: "It's normal to feel a little nervous when you go to a different house, but you are safe, and [other parent] loves you very much. You'll have fun playing [activity]."</li><li>Avoid Confirming Negative Narratives: Do not engage in discussions that validate or fuel the child's (or your own) negative perceptions of the other parent. "I understand you're feeling scared, but Dad is a good dad and he will take good care of you."</li></ul>3.&nbsp; Actively Facilitate the Relationship with the Other Parent: <ul><li>Positive Messaging: Speak positively (or neutrally) about the other parent to your child. "Dad is really looking forward to seeing you!" "Mom has a special activity planned."</li><li>Prepare for Transitions: Help your child pack, ensure they have favorite items, and make the handover as smooth and positive as possible.</li><li>Do Not Interfere: Do not call excessively during the other parent's time. Allow them to bond and create their own experiences. Do not grill your child about the other parent's household upon their return.</li><li>Support Communication: Encourage calls or video chats with the other parent when the child is with you. </li></ul>4.&nbsp; Model Resilience and Conflict Resolution (for your child's sake): <ul><li>Manage Your Own Emotions: Children learn by watching. If you are anxious or angry about parenting time, your child will absorb that. Seek your own support to manage these feelings separately from the child.</li><li>Focus on Co-Parenting (where possible): Engage in co-parent counseling to improve your communication with the other parent. When children see parents working together, it significantly reduces their stress.</li><li>Let Go of the Past: While difficult, dwelling on past hurts or disagreements with your co-parent impacts your child's future. Model a willingness to move forward for your child's well-being. </li></ul>5.&nbsp; Seek Professional Support:<ul><li>Parenting Coordinator (Me!): I am here to help you navigate these challenges and implement strategies that put your child's long-term needs first.</li><li>Child Therapist: A therapist can help your child process their feelings about the separation and adjust to parenting time in a neutral, supportive environment. This is not about "fixing" the child, but equipping them with coping skills.</li><li>Individual Therapy for Parents: If you find yourself struggling with your own emotions related to the co-parenting relationship, individual therapy can provide tools and strategies to manage these feelings effectively, preventing them from spilling over onto your child. </li><li>Co-parent Counselling: Specially trained counselors can assist you and your co-parent let go of the past and learn to communicate in a business relationship if you both need more assistance than working with the parenting coordinator.&nbsp; The parenting coordinator's role becomes the overseer and reporter to ensure compliance and progress towards the reunification goals. </li></ul>Conclusion: Investing in Your Child's Relational Future Allowing a young child to dictate parenting time, especially when genuine safety is not an issue, inadvertently teaches them that:<ul><li>Avoiding discomfort is paramount, even if it means sacrificing important relationships.</li><li>Their emotional expressions can control adult decisions.</li><li>Relationships are conditional and can be easily severed. This can lead to significant emotional pain, anxiety, and a sense of loss in their future adult relationships.</li></ul>By taking proactive steps to provide structure, reassurance, and positive support for both parental relationships, you are making a profound investment in your child's capacity for unconditional love, resilience, and lasting happiness. You are teaching them that relationships are worth navigating, even when challenging, and that love can endure.

When Children Refuse Parenting Time

Drama triangle relationship between victim rescuer and persecutor

As parents, your deepest desire is likely for your child to thrive, to experience joy, and to develop into a resilient and well-adjusted adult capable of forming strong, loving relationships. When parents separate, the landscape of family relationships changes, and it can be challenging to navigate. This guide is designed to help you understand common relationship dynamics that can arise and to equip you with proactive strategies to safeguard your child's emotional well-being and future capacity for healthy, unconditional love.We will explore how certain patterns, even when unintentional, can impact your child's developing understanding of relationships, and how you can actively work to foster their long-term relational health. Our focus is always on the child's experience and their journey toward becoming an adult who values and nurtures essential relationships.Understanding Relational Patterns: The "Relationship Roles" In challenging family situations, individuals sometimes fall into predictable, unhelpful patterns of interaction. These are not about blaming, but about recognizing dynamics that can make it harder for everyone, especially children, to move forward constructively.Imagine a situation where people unconsciously adopt specific roles in a conflict, much like characters in a play. These roles can feel comforting in the short term, but they prevent genuine connection and resolution. Let's call them the "Relationship Roles":<ul><li>The Overwhelmed/Stuck Role: This person feels powerless, burdened, or unfairly treated. They may express feelings of being "stuck" or "victim" to circumstances or the actions of others. Their focus is often on what has happened to them.</li><li>The Protector/Fixer Role: This person steps in to "save" or defend the Overwhelmed/Stuck individual, often by taking on their problems or expressing anger towards the perceived source of the problem. They might feel a strong need to be needed or to make things "right."</li><li>The Blamed/Excluded Role: This person is often perceived (or perceives themselves) as the cause of the problems, the one who is "wrong," or the one being shut out. They may feel misunderstood, attacked, or unfairly judged. How these roles can impact family reintegration efforts:</li></ul>When our goal is to help children reconnect with both parents, these roles can inadvertently create barriers. For example:<ul><li>If a child feels "Overwhelmed/Stuck" by past conflict, and a parent (or even well-meaning professionals like me) steps into the "Protector/Fixer" role for that child, it can unintentionally reinforce the child's sense of being a "Victim."</li><li>If suggestions are made to bridge divides and encourage the child to look forward, the "Protector/Fixer" parent might feel their role is being challenged, or that the suggestions are not adequately "protecting" the child. They might then see the source of these suggestions (e.g., the parenting coordinator) as aligning with the "Blamed/Excluded" parent, moving the coordinator into the "Blamed/Excluded" role themselves. This is not about malice, but about deeply ingrained, often unconscious, patterns. </li></ul>The key is to recognize these patterns and consciously choose to step out of them. Our aim is to move from reactive "roles" to proactive "responsibilities" for your child's healthy development.The Profound Impact on Your Child's Future Extensive social science research highlights the critical importance of healthy relationships for a child's development, psychological well-being, and capacity for future happiness.<ul><li>Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 1969; Bowlby, 1988): Research on attachment demonstrates that a child's early bonds with primary caregivers form the blueprint for all future relationships. When a child experiences a significant rupture or rejection of a parent-child bond, even if influenced by another parent, it can disrupt their "internal working models" of relationships. These models dictate how they perceive themselves, others, and the world in terms of trustworthiness, love, and security. A child who learns that one parent can be entirely dismissed or demonized may struggle to form secure attachments later in life. They might internalize a belief that relationships are fragile, conditional, or that love can be withdrawn if someone is deemed "bad."</li><li>Long-Term Psychological Effects: Studies show that children exposed to prolonged interparental conflict and the rejection of a parent can experience a range of negative outcomes in adolescence and adulthood. These may include: Emotional Pain: Persistent sadness, grief, and confusion.<ul><li>Mental Health Challenges: Increased risk of anxiety, depression, and even trauma reactions (Baker, 2005; Woodall, 2019).</li><li>Trust Issues: Difficulty trusting others, leading to guardedness or superficial relationships (Baker, 2005).</li><li>Relationship Difficulties: Challenges in forming and maintaining intimate relationships, including their own marriages and relationships with their future children (Baker, 2005). They may replicate the patterns they witnessed, struggle with commitment, or fear abandonment.</li><li>Low Self-Esteem: A sense of unworthiness or self-blame, feeling responsible for the parental conflict or rejection (Baker, 2005). </li></ul></li></ul>Crucially, a child who grows up believing they can simply "walk away" from essential family relationships, especially when one parent is consistently portrayed negatively, may struggle with the concept of unconditional love and forgiveness in their own adult relationships. They may lack the internal tools to navigate conflict, compromise, and sustain long-term bonds when difficulties arise, leading to pain and anxiety in their own lives and a pervasive sense of loss. As adults, they may grapple with the consequences of severed family ties, often experiencing regret and a yearning for connection they previously rejected.Proactive Steps: Building a Foundation for Your Child's Future Your role as a parent is not to erase the past, but to help your child build a healthy future. This involves a conscious shift in perspective and action.1.&nbsp; Prioritize Your Child's Long-Term Well-being Above All Else.<ul><li>Focus on the Future: While past hurts are real, dwelling on them perpetuates the conflict. Shift your focus to what your child needs now and in the future to become a well-adjusted adult.</li><li>Child-Centered Decisions: Every decision and interaction should be filtered through the lens of "How does this truly benefit my child's psychological and relational health, not just today, but for their entire life?"</li></ul>2.&nbsp; Model Respectful Disagreement and Forgiveness (Even if Difficult).<ul><li>Avoid Negative Talk: Refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent in front of or within earshot of your child. This includes verbal comments, gestures, or even online posts. Children internalize these messages and often feel a profound loyalty conflict, believing that loving one parent means betraying the other.</li><li>Validate Emotions, Not Opinions: Acknowledge your child's feelings (e.g., "I understand you're feeling sad/angry/confused") without validating negative opinions or narratives about the other parent. "I understand you're upset about X. It's okay to feel that way."</li><li>Promote Empathy: Encourage your child to consider the perspectives of others, including the other parent, even when they disagree. "What do you think might be going on for Mom/Dad right now?" "How do you think Dad/Mom might be feeling about that?"</li><li>Model Forgiveness and Letting Go: While you don't have to forget past hurts, modeling a willingness to move forward and focus on positive possibilities for the future is powerful. This teaches your child resilience and the capacity for healing in relationships. </li></ul>3.&nbsp; Support and Facilitate the Child's Relationship with the Other Parent.<ul><li>Champion Both Parents: Express positive regard for the other parent to your child. "Your Dad loves you very much." "Mom is looking forward to seeing you."</li><li>Facilitate Contact: Actively encourage and support visits, communication, and involvement with the other parent. Be on time, ensure belongings are ready, and convey a positive attitude about transitions.</li><li>Protect Time with the Other Parent: Do not interrupt or interfere with the child's time with the other parent. Allow them to build their own relationship without interference or detailed questioning about their time.</li><li>Shield from Conflict: Protect your child from any adult-level conflict or disagreements. They should not be privy to legal discussions, financial disputes, or adult frustrations.</li></ul>4.&nbsp; Foster Your Child's Emotional Intelligence and Resilience.<ul><li>Teach Emotion Regulation: Help your child identify and express their emotions in healthy ways. Provide coping strategies for dealing with difficult feelings.</li><li>Encourage Problem-Solving: Empower your child to find solutions to their own problems, rather than always stepping in to "fix" things for them. This builds self-efficacy and resilience.</li><li>Cultivate a "Growth Mindset" for Relationships: Teach your child that relationships, like life, involve challenges, but that with effort, communication, and a willingness to understand, they can grow and strengthen. This counters the idea that problems mean relationships are irreparable.</li></ul>5.&nbsp; Engage with Your Parenting Coordinator Constructively.<ul><li>Open Communication: Be open and honest with your parenting coordinator about your concerns and observations.</li><li>Collaborate, Don't Delegate: See your parenting coordinator as a partner in problem-solving, not as someone who will "fix" the other parent or validate only your perspective. Our role is to help all family members find constructive paths forward.</li><li>Embrace Suggestions for Change: Be willing to consider new approaches and strategies, even if they feel uncomfortable at first. Remember the goal: your child's lasting well-being.</li></ul> The Power of Unconditional Love and Enduring Relationships The concept of "unconditional love" in a mature sense does not mean tolerating abuse or unhealthy behavior. Instead, it means valuing the inherent worth of an individual, even when you disagree with their actions or when the relationship is challenging. For a child, this translates into an understanding that parental love, while perhaps expressed differently after separation, is enduring and not contingent on them choosing one parent over another.By proactively focusing on reintegration, encouraging empathy, and modeling healthy relationship skills, you are giving your child the most precious gift: the ability to form and maintain strong, authentic connections throughout their life. You are teaching them that love can withstand challenges, that people can grow, and that even when relationships evolve, fundamental bonds can endure. This builds a secure foundation for their own future well-being and happiness.

Cori L. McGuire Parenting Coordinator

Blog

Child Contact/ Alienation Problems

From Pain to Peace: How Parenting Coordination Helps You ...

When the Helpers Hurt: Forgiving the Professionals in You...

Breaking Free from the Past: Finding Peace in Co-Parenting

When Children Refuse Parenting Time

Avoid Drama Triangles in the PC Process: Parent Child Con...