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Sad little child, blond boy, standing in the rain on cemetery, sad person, mourning, rainy day

<h2>Supporting Children Through Serious Illness and Loss</h2><h3>A Parenting Coordinator Perspective (General Insights Only)</h3>Navigating the serious illness and eventual death of a family member is profoundly difficult for families, and particularly complex when children are moving between two households. This document is offered from the perspective of a Parenting Coordinator to provide general, research‑informed insights that may assist co‑parents in supporting elementary school‑aged children during this time.Important caveat:These observations are not prescriptive, do not apply to all children, and are not determinations. Consistent with s.37 of the Family Law Act, every child’s best interests must be assessed individually, having regard to that child’s unique needs, developmental stage, neurodiversity, family context, and circumstances. What supports one child may not support another.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Role of the Parenting Coordinator As Parenting Coordinator (PC), my role is to assist parents in communicating effectively, resolving parenting disputes, and making child‑focused decisions within the scope of the appointing order or agreement. During periods of heightened emotional stress—such as the serious illness or loss of a grandparent—this role often includes:• Facilitating respectful, child‑focused communication between parents• Assisting parents to align messaging and routines across households• Identifying when professional supports may be beneficial• Helping parents distinguish between their own grief and their children’s needsThe PC does not replace counselling, medical, or therapeutic care, nor does the PC determine how grief “should” look. The goal is to support parents in maintaining stability, predictability, and emotional safety for their children, while recognizing that grief unfolds differently for every child. <h3>How Elementary‑Aged Children May Experience Grief</h3>(General Developmental Observations Only)Children approximately aged 5–10 are still developing an understanding of illness and death. Some children may:• Experience rapidly shifting emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, confusion, or guilt• Ask concrete or practical questions about illness, death, or their own safety• Show changes in sleep, appetite, mood, or behavior• Engage in “magical thinking,” believing their thoughts or actions caused the illness• Grieve in short, intermittent periods (“puddles of grief”), moving between sadness and playThese reactions are commonly observed, but not universal, and should never be used to assume how a particular child is feeling or coping.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Neurodiversity and Grief: Additional Considerations (Not Diagnostic and Not Universal)Some children with ADHD or autism may experience or express grief differently. These observations are included to support understanding—not to label, predict, or pathologize.Children with ADHD may:• Have greater difficulty regulating emotions during periods of stress• Appear inattentive or disengaged when processing overwhelming information• Show increased impulsivity, restlessness, or frustration• Struggle with abstract concepts such as permanence or finalityChildren with Autism may:• Prefer clear, literal explanations over abstract language or euphemisms• Experience heightened sensory sensitivities during disruptions or emotional events• Express grief through behavioral changes rather than words• Be particularly affected by changes to routine and predictability• Form deep attachments that may not be outwardly expressedAgain, these are not rules. Many children with ADHD or autism will grieve in ways that do not fit these descriptions, and many neurotypical children may show similar patterns.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Co‑Parenting Across Two Homes During Illness and Loss (Guiding Principles, Not Requirements)From a Parenting Coordinator perspective, children tend to benefit when parents strive for consistency, predictability, and coordinated communication, even while acknowledging that households may function differently.1. Communication Between Parents• Share key information about what the children are being told and how• Coordinate explanations to avoid conflicting or confusing messages• Follow any existing Communication Agreement when sharing observations• Exchange child‑focused observations rather than interpretations or blame2. Talking With Children About Illness and Death• Use clear, age‑appropriate language• Avoid euphemisms that may be confusing or frightening• Allow children to ask questions at their own pace• Reassure children about their own safety and health• Prepare children for changes they may see (medical equipment, fatigue, routine changes)What is “age‑appropriate” or “helpful” will vary by child and should be adjusted accordingly.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Supporting Children Day‑to‑Day (Options, Not Expectations)Some children may benefit from:• Maintaining routines across both households where possible• Predictable transitions and advance notice of changes• Opportunities to express feelings through play, art, movement, or conversation• Access to quiet or sensory‑regulated spaces• Choice and autonomy (e.g., whether to attend a memorial, how to say goodbye)Participation in rituals, memorials, or goodbyes should never be forced and should always be considered in light of the child’s individual temperament and needs.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Supporting Yourselves as Co‑Parents Parents’ grief matters. Children often take cues from how adults around them cope with loss. While parents may grieve differently, children generally benefit when parents:• Acknowledge emotions without overwhelming the child• Model help‑seeking and healthy coping• Avoid placing children in the role of emotional caretaker• Check in periodically about how the children are coping and adjust strategies as needed<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Professional and Community Supports Where children are already connected to professionals—such as counsellors or speech‑language pathologists—continued collaboration may be helpful. These professionals can offer individualized strategies tailored to the child’s specific developmental, emotional, and communication needs.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Final Reminder There is no single “right” way for a child to grieve. This document reflects general Parenting Coordinator insights, not determinations, and must always be applied—if at all—through the lens of s.37 of the Family Law Act and the individual best interests of each child.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/">Cori L. McGuire</a>, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Cori has 28 years of experience with parenting children who are affected by ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. Read more about unique considerations on our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/children-with-additional-needs" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/children-with-additional-needs">Children with Additional Needs</a> page, including <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/determining-smartphone-and-social-media-readiness" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/determining-smartphone-and-social-media-readiness">Smartphones and NeuroDiversity</a> and other reading in our extensive <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

Nerodivergent Children and Grief

<h3>High‑Conflict Parenting: When Traditional Co‑Parenting Fails</h3>If you are reading this, you are likely exhausted. An estimated 10–15% of separated families experience ongoing, high‑conflict parenting disputes that drain emotional energy, financial resources, and attention from what matters most—the children.For families in this category, conventional advice such as “communicate more,” “cooperate,” or “compromise”often makes things worse, not better. Increased interaction simply creates more opportunities for conflict.The good news is that there are structured, legally recognized approaches designed specifically for high‑conflict situations. Two of the most commonly used are Parenting Coordination and Parallel Parenting.This article explains—at a general level—how these approaches are used in British Columbia, and why they are often considered when conflict repeatedly interferes with the implementation of parenting arrangements. <h3>Part 1: Parenting Coordination — A Structured Implementation Process</h3>Parenting Coordination (PC) is a process that may be established by court order or written agreement in high‑conflict parenting cases. A neutral professional—usually with legal or mental‑health training—is appointed to help parents implement existing court orders or agreements and reduce repeated returns to court over day‑to‑day disputes.<h3>What Parenting Coordination Is (and Is Not)</h3>Parenting Coordination is:<ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>Implementation‑focused, not therapeutic</li><li>Order‑bound, not discretionary</li><li>Child‑centred, not relationship‑repair‑oriented</li></ul></li></ul>A Parenting Coordinator does not:• provide therapy• enforce court orders• re‑litigate past decisions• change parenting arrangementsTheir role exists only within the scope of authority granted by the appointing order or agreement. <h3>Core Functions of a Parenting Coordinator</h3>Depending on the terms of the order or agreement, a Parenting Coordinator may assist in the following limited ways:<h3>Education and Coaching (Non‑coercive)</h3>Helping parents understand:• how conflict affects children• how structured communication reduces escalation• how to follow agreed or ordered processes<h3>Facilitation of Dispute Resolution </h3>Assisting parents to resolve minor implementation disputes, such as:• scheduling details• information‑sharing issues• routine logisticsThe focus is on keeping discussions child‑focused and aligned with existing orders.<h3>Determinations (Where Expressly Authorized)</h3>If parents reach an impasse and the order permits it, the Parenting Coordinator may make a limited determination to implement the existing order or agreement. These determinations do not create new parenting arrangements and do not involve broad best‑interests adjudication. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Where a matter exceeds the Parenting Coordinator’s authority, or where a parent does not participate in good faith, the issue must be returned to court.<h3>Why Parenting Coordination Is Used</h3>Research and court experience indicate that Parenting Coordination can reduce repeated court applications in high‑conflict cases by providing a structured, predictable process for resolving recurring issues.For families, this may mean:• fewer court appearances• lower legal costs• quicker resolution of day‑to‑day disputesIt does not guarantee cooperation, emotional healing, or improved relationships—but it can reduce procedural conflict.<h3>Part 2: Parallel Parenting — A Low‑Conflict Parenting Structure</h3>In some families, frequent communication is itself the problem. Parallel Parenting is a parenting model designed for situations where ongoing interaction between parents reliably escalates conflict.Parallel parenting does not require parents to be collaborative, friendly, or emotionally aligned. Instead, it aims to minimize contact while preserving each parent’s independent relationship with the child.<h3>What Is Parallel Parenting?</h3>Parallel parenting involves:• clearly defined parenting responsibilities• minimal direct communication• structured methods for information‑sharing• reduced opportunities for conflict exposure for the childEach parent manages day‑to‑day decisions during their own parenting time, within the boundaries of the court order or agreement.<h3>Common Features of Parallel Parenting Plans</h3>While every plan depends on the specific order or agreement, parallel parenting arrangements often include:• Structured written communication (e.g., email or a parenting app)• Limits on communication content to necessary child‑related logistics• Neutral exchange arrangements (school, daycare, curbside)• Independent daily decision‑making within each parent’s time• Clear escalation pathways for unresolved issues (which may include Parenting Coordination, if authorized)These structures are designed to reduce exposure to conflict, not to improve the parental relationship.<h3>Why Parallel Parenting Can Protect Children</h3>Research consistently shows that ongoing, intense parental conflict—not separation itself—is one of the strongest predictors of negative outcomes for children.By reducing contact and removing children from adult disputes, parallel parenting can:• lower stress and anxiety• increase predictability• support emotional stabilityIt does not require parents to agree, like each other, or work closely together.<h3>Conclusion: Focus on What You Can Control</h3>If collaborative co‑parenting has failed, that does not mean you have failed as a parent. It often means the structure is wrong for the level of conflict present.• Parenting Coordination can provide a structured process for implementing existing orders without constant court involvement.• Parallel Parenting can reduce conflict by limiting unnecessary interaction.The goal is not friendship or reconciliation. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The goal is stability, predictability, and reduced conflict exposure for children, within the framework of existing legal arrangements.<h3>Important Note</h3>This article is provided for general informational purposes only. The role, authority, and scope of a Parenting Coordinator depend entirely on the terms of the applicable court order or written agreement. Parenting Coordination is not therapy, and Parenting Coordinators do not enforce court orders or vary parenting arrangements.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer in British Columbia. For other articles on further considerations for your child's individual circumstances when BC law is applied using "the best interests of the child test", look at our blog on <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the--graduation-truce--is-a-dangerous-myth" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the--graduation-truce--is-a-dangerous-myth" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Graduation</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> and Other Events, <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/parenting-coordination-in-family-violence-cases" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/parenting-coordination-in-family-violence-cases" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Family Violence</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, and other specific issues in our <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resource Library</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">.&nbsp; <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

What High-Conflict Co-Parents Need to Know About Parenting Coordination and Parallel Parenting

My previous blogs have focused on <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/extracurricular-activities-for-your-child" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/extracurricular-activities-for-your-child">Extracurriculars</a>, <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being">Essential Activities</a>, and <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--i-don-t-want-to--becomes-a-barrier--navigating-resistance-in-extracurriculars" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--i-don-t-want-to--becomes-a-barrier--navigating-resistance-in-extracurriculars">Attendance Refusals</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">. A related issue arises when activities themselves become a source of conflict between parents — particularly when information about those activities is withheld or selectively shared.When one parent registers a child for an activity without informing the other, or presents incomplete or inaccurate information about the child’s level or progress, the impact often extends beyond scheduling. These situations can place children in difficult emotional positions that they did not choose and cannot resolve.<h3>The Impact of “Secret” Activities on Children</h3>Children benefit from stability, transparency, and the freedom to share their experiences with the important adults in their lives. When a child is told, explicitly or implicitly, not to mention an activity to the other parent, the child may experience tension between enjoyment and loyalty.Rather than feeling free to celebrate progress, the child may feel responsible for managing adult relationships. Over time, carrying secrets or filtering information can create anxiety, confusion about boundaries, and discomfort about success itself. The issue is not the activity, but the pressure placed on the child to manage adult dynamics.<h3>Activities and Developmental Mismatch</h3>Concerns can also arise when a child is enrolled in an activity at a level that does not reflect their abilities or experience. While there may be many explanations for this — including misunderstanding program structures or attempts to reduce pressure — children can experience frustration or disengagement when activities do not match their developmental stage.When these decisions occur without transparency or shared understanding, they can contribute to parental conflict and place the child in the middle of competing narratives about their abilities and progress.<h3>Consultation and Information‑Sharing Under BC Law</h3>In British Columbia, parents who share parental responsibilities are generally required under s.40(2) of the Family Law Act to consult with one another on significant decisions affecting the child, which commonly includes ongoing extracurricular involvement.Consultation is not about securing agreement in every instance. It is about timely information‑sharing, good‑faith discussion, and avoiding unilateral decisions that predictably lead to conflict or implementation problems.When consultation breaks down, patterns can emerge that are difficult for children. Research on high‑conflict parenting consistently shows that children are most negatively affected not by separation itself, but by being drawn into adult disputes or placed in loyalty conflicts.<h3>Recognizing the “Secret Activities” Pattern</h3>Many parents do not set out to create secrecy. However, problems often arise when: • one parent learns about an activity after it has already begun• information is shared selectively or defensively• a child realizes that one parent is consistently absent from events or milestonesThese moments can leave children feeling that their lives are divided rather than shared, and that success must be carefully managed rather than openly celebrated.<h3>Moving Toward Transparency and Predictability</h3>Shifting away from conflict‑driven dynamics often begins with small, practical steps. Parents frequently find it helpful to:• reflect honestly on whether withholding information serves the child or escalates conflict• use neutral communication tools, such as shared parenting platforms, to exchange information without unnecessary engagement• provide timely notice of registrations or schedule changes• ensure that activity placement reflects the child’s abilities and comfort, rather than adult conflict or convenienceThese steps are not about perfection; they are about reducing predictable stressors for children.<h3>Parenting Coordination and These Issues</h3>Where Parenting Coordination has been ordered or agreed, its role is limited to assisting parents in implementing existing agreements or court orders and managing their interaction to reduce conflict. Parenting Coordinators do not assess motivation, determine fault, or regulate extracurricular choices beyond what is required to implement the existing framework.Where authorized, a Parenting Coordinator may assist with structuring consultation, clarifying how existing terms apply to activities, or resolving narrow implementation disputes. Parenting Coordination does not replace parenting education, therapeutic support, or court intervention where broader issues arise.<h3>Closing Reflection</h3>Children should not feel responsible for managing adult relationships in order to enjoy their own lives. Activities are meant to support development, confidence, and connection — not to become arenas for conflict or secrecy.Transparency, predictability, and restraint from involving children in adult dynamics go a long way toward protecting them from unnecessary stress.This article discusses general considerations only and may be updated over time. It is not Parenting Coordination advice in a specific case, does not determine the best interests of any particular child, and does not expand the authority of a Parenting Coordinator beyond the terms of an applicable court order or family law agreement.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. For further reading about extracurricular activities, follow the two links at the beginning of this article and for our full list of articles, click on our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

Why Secret Activities are Co-Parenting Poison

Miyakojima: A spectacular view from the triangulation point

When families transition through separation or divorce, children experience that transition from the inside. Parenting arrangements are designed, in part, to reduce the likelihood that children will feel pulled into adult conflict or required to manage the emotional reactions of their parents.An implementation‑focused starting point is the child’s experience of stability. In high‑conflict separations and divorces, children can become caught in what is commonly described as a “loyalty bind,” where they feel pressure—explicitly or implicitly—to take sides, deliver messages, or regulate a parent’s emotions. Parenting agreements and court orders generally seek to prevent this by placing responsibility for conflict management on adults, not children.From an implementation perspective, a key objective is consistency. When children are not exposed to parental disputes or explanations about adult disagreements, they are better able to remain focused on their own routines, relationships, and development within each household.<h3>Stability and Exposure to Conflict</h3>Research in child development consistently shows that prolonged exposure to unresolved parental conflict is associated with increased stress in children. Studies such as the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) research highlight correlations between chronic stress in childhood and later outcomes, while researchers including Dr. Joan Kelly have emphasized the importance of children maintaining meaningful relationships with both parents where it is safe to do so.These findings are not used here to diagnose, assess, or treat children, but to explain why many parenting arrangements prioritize shielding children from adult disputes and discouraging conduct that places children in the middle of parental conflict.<h3>Keeping Adult Issues Between Adults</h3>Parents often experience a natural impulse to explain or justify outcomes to their children, particularly when plans change or disagreements arise. For example, when a vacation or activity does not proceed as hoped, a parent may feel tempted to explain that the other parent refused or caused the problem.Parenting arrangements typically aim to avoid this dynamic. Explanations that assign blame or reveal adult disagreements can inadvertently place children in a loyalty bind. An implementation‑consistent response is to keep the discussion between adults and to provide children with simple, neutral explanations that do not require them to process adult conflict.The focus is not perfection, but predictability. Children benefit when they are not asked to evaluate competing narratives or feel responsible for protecting a parent’s feelings.<h3>Common Boundaries Reflected in Parenting Arrangements</h3>Many agreements and orders include, either expressly or implicitly, boundaries intended to reduce children’s exposure to conflict. The following examples reflect practices commonly used to support those objectives.Children are generally not involved in discussions about court proceedings, financial disputes, or legal positions. When children ask about schedule changes, neutral explanations that emphasize planning rather than conflict are typically most consistent with these arrangements.Children are not used as messengers between parents. Relaying information through children can cause them to anticipate reactions, feel responsible for outcomes, or experience anxiety about how messages will be received.When children share experiences from the other household, including experiences that are upsetting or confusing, the emphasis is often on listening and providing reassurance rather than responding with criticism of the other parent. Negative commentary can reinforce loyalty conflicts even when unintended.In shared public spaces such as schools or activities, parenting arrangements often assume that children are free to acknowledge and interact with both parents without discomfort. Adult demeanor plays an important role in signaling that such interactions are permitted and safe.When children return from enjoyable time with the other parent, allowing them to express excitement without qualification supports their sense that they do not have to manage adult emotions.<h3>Adult Children and Ongoing Family Dynamics</h3>It is sometimes assumed that parental conflict no longer affects children once they reach adulthood. While formal parenting arrangements may no longer apply, adult children can still experience pressure to manage parental relationships, avoid triggering conflict, or divide their lives to accommodate unresolved dynamics.This observation is offered as general context rather than guidance or authority. Where families are able to maintain clear boundaries between adult relationships and parent‑child relationships, adult children are less likely to feel responsible for managing parental emotions or mediating disputes during significant life events.Implementation‑focused approaches emphasize that a child’s relationship with one parent is not a betrayal of the other. Maintaining that distinction allows children—of any age—to focus on their own lives rather than on stabilizing family conflict.By consistently keeping adult issues between adults, parents support the objectives reflected in most parenting agreements: reducing conflict exposure, preserving stability, and allowing children to maintain secure relationships within both households.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Cori L. McGuire</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. For further reading on loyalty conflicts and triangulation, the following articles provide additional context and examples consistent with these principles: <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/protecting-your-child-from-conflict" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/protecting-your-child-from-conflict" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Protecting Your Child From Conflict</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> and <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-badmouthing-your-co-parent-damages-your-child" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-badmouthing-your-co-parent-damages-your-child" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">How Badmouthing Your Co-Parent Damages Your Child</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> with further reading by subject in our <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resource Library</a>.

The Safe Harbor: How to Respond to Triangulation

Intricately carved totem pole with bird and animal figures.

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Years ago, I was asked a general question about my practice philosophy when one parent is Indigenous and the other is not. These situations can present unique challenges, particularly where one parent seeks to support a child’s immersion in their People’s teachings, culture, and spirituality, and the other parent experiences uncertainty or disagreement about how that should occur. As a non‑Indigenous PC, I approach these matters with care, humility, and an acute awareness of the limits of my role. This article does not describe decision‑making authority in any specific case. Rather, it outlines the principles that inform my facilitative approach, always subject to the terms of a particular PC Order and the circumstances of the individual family.<h2>Parenting Coordination of Indigenous Children</h2>Parenting coordination begins with the lived reality of the child, not with abstract positions taken by adults. Where a child is Indigenous, that identity forms part of the child’s reality and lived experience. British Columbia’s Family Law Act recognizes that parents are responsible for making decisions respecting a child’s cultural, linguistic, religious, and spiritual upbringing, including — where applicable — the child’s Indigenous identity. Courts and legislators have consistently emphasized that cultural identity is one of the factors relevant to assessing a child’s best interests.Under section 37 of the Family Law Act, decision‑makers are directed to consider the best interests of the child, taking into account the child’s unique circumstances. For Indigenous children, courts have repeatedly acknowledged that cultural identity, connection to community, and continuity of heritage can be central to emotional security, belonging, and long‑term wellbeing. These considerations are not applied mechanically; they are assessed case by case, alongside all other relevant factors.Federal legislation, including An Act Respecting First Nations, Inuit and Métis Children, Youth and Families, and provincial commitments such as British Columbia’s Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples Act, reflect a broader legal context in which a child’s right to know, learn, and experience their culture is recognized as important to healthy development. Research in child development similarly indicates that strong connections to culture, language, Elders, and community are associated with positive outcomes for many Indigenous children, including resilience, identity development, and emotional wellbeing.In parenting coordination, the task is not to elevate one parent’s position over the other, nor to impose values or outcomes. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In practice, parenting coordination work begins in a consensus‑building phase. Parents often come to the table expressing strong feelings — fear, grief, protectiveness, or uncertainty — that are initially framed as disagreements about schooling, culture, or identity. A core facilitative task of parenting coordination is to help translate those feelings into underlying interests, such as a parent’s need to remain meaningfully connected, involved, and relevant in the child’s life.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In many families, disagreement is not truly about whether a child should be Indigenous or non‑Indigenous — that reality already exists — but primarily about how each parent can continue to belong in the child’s life as the child grows, forms identity, and navigates multiple family systems. When those interests are surfaced and understood, a broader range of practical options often emerges. Parenting coordination supports parents in exploring those options collaboratively, with the aim of meeting the child’s needs while preserving the child’s relationships with both parents and respecting the person the child is becoming.The role is to assist parents in developing workable, respectful parenting arrangements that take the child’s full context into account, within the authority granted by the PC Order. A child’s identity is not something that can be neatly divided between households; children experience themselves as whole people. Care is required not to mischaracterize relational concerns as value‑based opposition, as doing so can intensify conflict rather than resolve it. Parents may understand stability not only in terms of routines and schedules, but also in terms of a child feeling grounded, understood, and secure in who they are. Where appropriate, section 37 of the Family Law Act also directs consideration of the child’s views. When Indigenous children express pride or connection through cultural practices, language, or relationships with Elders, those experiences may hold particular personal and relational significance for the child, which parents may need to consider alongside other parenting commitments. Parenting coordination provides a structured forum for parents to plan thoughtfully around these experiences, balancing them with the practical realities of parenting arrangements.In British Columbia, issues such as schooling, activities, and travel are frequently examined by courts through the lens of a child’s broader connections and stability. Courts have cautioned against arrangements that unnecessarily weaken a child’s meaningful ties, including cultural ties, while also recognizing that each family’s situation is distinct and must be assessed on its own facts.My approach in these situations is grounded in neutrality and fairness. Parenting coordination is not about declaring winners, enforcing beliefs, or substituting personal judgment for that of the court. In parenting coordination, discussions are most productive when parents are assisted to consider the child’s lived experience, rather than advancing abstract or positional arguments.Supporting a child’s Indigenous heritage does not require diminishing the role or importance of the other parent. When addressed thoughtfully, cultural participation can be understood not as a source of division, but as one of many elements that contribute to a child’s sense of security and belonging. The aim is to assist parents in building practical arrangements that allow a child to grow with confidence, supported in all aspects of their identity.In my experience, effective parenting coordination requires an honest acknowledgment of limits — both legal and professional. My role is not to advocate for outcomes, but to manage adult conflict in a way that keeps the focus on the child and respects the boundaries of the process. Cultural identity is not a bargaining chip, but neither is it something a PC unilaterally defines or enforces. Each family’s circumstances, and each PC Order, shape how these principles are applied in practice.The goal is to create conditions in which children can grow up secure, connected, and supported. Cultural ties are not problems to be solved; they are part of the child’s context to be understood, respected, and thoughtfully incorporated into parenting arrangements — always with care, balance, and attention to the specific family before us.Any binding determination, where authorized, would be limited to implementing an existing order or agreement; all other work described here occurs in a facilitative, non‑coercive capacity.Written by Cori L. McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">For more information about how BC law requires the focus to be on the best interests of the child in specific situations, such as <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/gender-identity-in-parenting-coordination" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/gender-identity-in-parenting-coordination">Gender Identity</a> or &nbsp;<a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-perfect-storm--when-school-bullying-meets-high-conflict-divorce" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-perfect-storm--when-school-bullying-meets-high-conflict-divorce" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">School Bullying</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, visit our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resource Library</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">.&nbsp; <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

Navigating Indigenous Heritage in Parenting Coordination

person in camo attire near other people at daytime

In the world of co‑parenting, life does not stand still. Military deployments, mandatory career training, and periods of residential treatment or recovery can require one parent to be physically absent from a child’s day‑to‑day life for an extended time. For families who are already separated, these absences can add emotional and logistical complexity.For the parent who is away, the absence is often undertaken with the long‑term well‑being of the family in mind. For the child, however, the immediate experience is one of separation from a familiar attachment figure. How that separation is managed within the parenting system can significantly affect a child’s sense of stability during the absence.<h3>Emotional Impact of Extended Parental Absence</h3>For children, a parent’s absence is not simply a change in schedule. It can be experienced as an emotional disruption, particularly where the child is young, sensitive to routine, or already adjusting to separation or divorce.Research on childhood stress and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that prolonged or poorly supported separations can strain a child’s coping capacity, especially when combined with other stressors. By contrast, predictable routines, reliable contact, and emotionally regulated caregiving can buffer the impact of separation and reduce distress.The focus, from a child‑centred implementation perspective, is not eliminating all sadness associated with separation, but supporting the child in maintaining a secure sense of connection and predictability during the absence.<h3>Parenting Coordination and Extended Absences</h3>Parenting Coordination does not determine what is in a child’s best interests, prescribe parenting strategies, or replace therapeutic or clinical services. Its role, where ordered or agreed, is limited to assisting parents to implement their existing parenting arrangements and to manage their interaction in a way that reduces conflict and instability for the child.Extended parental absences often raise implementation questions, such as: • how parenting time is exercised or compensated within the existing order• how information about the child is shared during the absence• how communication between the child and the absent parent occurs• how transitions are managed to minimize conflict between parentsWhere authorized by the court order or family law agreement, a Parenting Coordinator may assist parents by structuring communication, supporting consultation obligations, and helping parents implement agreed‑upon or ordered arrangements during the period of absence. Any binding determination is limited to resolving specific implementation impasses and only where such authority is expressly delegated.<h3>Supporting Stability During the Absence (General Parenting Considerations)</h3>Separate from Parenting Coordination, many parents find it helpful to focus on predictability and connection during extended separations. These are general parenting considerations, not directives and not PC advice.Children often benefit from: • consistent routines at the “home‑base” residence• predictable and reliable contact with the absent parent• reassurance that the parent’s absence is temporary and not a rejectionSome families choose to use tangible reminders, such as familiar objects or recorded messages, to help younger children maintain a sense of connection. Others rely on visual calendars or regular check‑ins to make the passage of time more understandable. What matters most is consistency rather than the specific method used.<h3>Professional Support</h3>In some situations, children may benefit from support from a neutral mental‑health professional who can help them express feelings of loss, anxiety, or uncertainty associated with separation. Decisions about counselling or treatment remain the responsibility of parents, clinicians, and, where applicable, the court.Parenting Coordination does not provide therapy, however the order or agreement giving jurisdiction to the PC usually includes making determinations about counselling.&nbsp;<h3>Reducing Harm Through Predictability</h3>While no process can eliminate the emotional difficulty of separation, children tend to cope better when adult conflict is contained and expectations are clear. Parenting Coordination, within its limited mandate, can help reduce friction between parents so that the child is not placed in the position of absorbing or managing adult distress.The aim is not to control outcomes or behaviours, but to ensure that parental conflict does not compound the emotional challenges created by physical absence.<h3>Closing Reflection</h3>For children, the most painful aspect of separation is often not distance itself, but uncertainty about connection. When parents are able to maintain predictable routines, respectful communication, and reliable contact, children are better able to tolerate temporary absences without experiencing them as abandonment.Parenting Coordination exists to support that stability by managing parental interaction within the limits of the applicable court order or agreement, not by expanding into therapeutic, investigative, or supervisory roles.This article discusses general considerations only and may be updated over time. It is not Parenting Coordination advice in a specific case, does not determine the best interests of any particular child, and does not expand the authority of a Parenting Coordinator beyond the terms of an applicable court order or family law agreement.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator with 28 years of family law experience in British Columbia. For further reading, click on <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-peace-program-and-an-easter-message" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-peace-program-and-an-easter-message" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The PEACE Program</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> and <a style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-safe-harbor--why-your-child-s-therapy-requires-a--united-front" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-safe-harbor--why-your-child-s-therapy-requires-a--united-front" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Child Therapy as a Safe Harbor</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">. Refer to more reading in our <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.&nbsp; © 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

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Nerodivergent Children and Grief

What High-Conflict Co-Parents Need to Know About Parentin...

Why Secret Activities are Co-Parenting Poison

The Safe Harbor: How to Respond to Triangulation

Navigating Indigenous Heritage in Parenting Coordination

When Duty Calls: Maintaining Connection During Temporary ...