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As a parenting coordinator, I've seen it all—the tough conversations, the misunderstandings, and the genuine desire from parents to do what’s best for their children. It’s a challenging job for everyone involved.One of the most valuable tools in my practice might seem a bit old-fashioned: handouts.When I first started using them, I worried they might feel too much like a school lecture. But I've learned they're actually one of the most effective ways to normalize and standardize the co-parenting process.Let's get one thing straight: these handouts are not about judgment.They aren’t saying, "You’re doing this wrong, here's how to fix it." Instead, they are about empowerment and collaboration. They are designed to show you that the difficulties you're facing are common. They are meant to give you a clear, neutral foundation for our work together.By using these resources, we can:Move past the emotions of the moment and focus on proven strategies. Build a shared vocabulary for discussing difficult topics. Shift the focus from blaming each other to building a better future for your family. My goal is never to be a critic or nag in your family's story. It's to be a guide and a resource. These materials are simply a way to make that process more efficient, more respectful, and ultimately, more successful for you and your children.

Beyond the Judgment: Why I Use Handouts in Parenting Coordination

When parents live far apart, choosing the right school for their child can be a complex and emotional process. It requires careful consideration of what's best for the child's stability, education, and well-being. This guide breaks down the key factors to consider, from legal obligations to practical compromises, to help you navigate this important decision.1. The Legal Starting Point: Agreement or Order &nbsp;The first and most crucial step is to determine if a formal agreement or court order is already in place regarding the child's schooling. If so, you must follow it. If not, parents should strive to reach a mutual decision. In British Columbia, the Family Law Act provides a framework for making decisions in a child's best interests. Section 37 outlines several factors that a court and your parenting coordinator considers when making orders, including:<ul><li>The child's health and emotional well-being.</li><li>The child's views, unless inappropriate.</li><li>The history of the child's care.</li><li>The need to protect the child from family violence.</li><li>The child's relationship with each parent and other family members.</li><li>The child's need for stability.</li><li>The ability of each person to care for the child.</li><li>The impact of any change in the child's care.</li><li>Any civil or criminal proceedings relevant to the child's safety.</li><li>The child's cultural, linguistic, and religious upbringing. </li></ul>These factors can serve as a helpful guide for parents trying to make their own decision, even without court intervention.2. Location and Community: Splitting the Difference or Staying Put? &nbsp;A key question is whether the child should attend school in the catchment of one parent or somewhere in the middle. There are pros and cons to each approach:<ul><li>Attending school in a parent's catchment area: This provides a sense of community, stability, and belonging as the child can build friendships and participate in local activities with friends. They'll have a consistent peer group and access to local amenities. This arrangement works well when one parent is the primary caregiver or when travel to school is already an issue.</li><li>Splitting the travel distance: Choosing a school in the middle might seem like a fair compromise, but it could mean the child spends significant time commuting and lacks a consistent sense of community at either parent's home. The child may feel like a visitor rather than a resident in both places. This may also limit their ability to form friendships and participate in after-school activities with peers. </li></ul>It's important to consider which option provides the child with the most stable and supportive environment.3. Special Needs and Educational Fit &nbsp;The school's ability to meet your child's specific needs is paramount.Does your child have special needs? If so, you need to research which schools have the best resources, programs, and staff to support them. You'll need to look beyond general reputation and focus on specific support services like Individualized Education Programs (IEPs), speech therapy, or occupational therapy. Are there any special attributes that resonate with the child's needs? Consider schools with strong athletic programs, French immersion, or trades-focused education if those align with your child's interests and aptitudes. School ratings: Resources like the Fraser Institute's school rankings can be a useful starting point, but they should not be the sole factor. These rankings often focus on academic performance and don't necessarily reflect a school's strengths in other areas like arts, sports, or special education. It's worth visiting schools and speaking to the principals and teachers to get a true sense of the school's culture and its capacity to meet your child's needs.4. Financial and Practical Considerations &nbsp;Can you afford private school? Private school may offer a unique educational experience but often comes with a significant cost. Both parents must be in agreement and able to contribute financially. Extracurricular activities: If the child attends school in one parent's area, can they still participate in extracurriculars in the other parent's area? This requires a great deal of coordination and may not always be practical. However, if the parents are willing to cooperate, it can be a great way to ensure the child maintains a connection to both communities. &nbsp; 5. The Power of Compromise &nbsp;When parents are at odds, seeking a compromise is often the best path forward, as it helps avoid a costly and stressful court determination.Here are some ways to find a middle ground:<ul><li>Divide extracurriculars: Maybe the child attends school in one location and participates in a main sport or club in the other.</li><li>Focus on the big picture: Remember that a child's sense of stability, security, and love is more important than where they attend school.</li><li>Reducing the Commute Together: It's important to remember that a long daily commute is a burden on the child, not just the parent doing the driving. One parent's decision to move shouldn't automatically mean the child has to spend an extra two hours in a car or in childcare. An excellent compromise is to share the driving. This could mean that the parent who lives farther away meets the other parent halfway, or that you work together to manage drop-offs and pickups. This reduces the child's time in a vehicle and ensures they have more relaxed, quality time with both parents. &nbsp;</li></ul>By keeping the focus on your child's best interests and being willing to compromise, you can find a solution that works for everyone. While the situation is challenging, navigating it successfully can set a positive example for your child about cooperation and resilience. 6. A Real-Life Example: The Commuting Parent &nbsp;Let's consider a common scenario. Two parents, Jane and Mark, lived in the same city and agreed their children would attend a daycare close to their respective workplaces. Then, Jane decided to move an hour away to another suburb. Now, Jane wants the children to attend school near her new home, arguing they have "two equally important homes."&nbsp;A parenting coordinator helps them assess the situation, highlighting a key flaw in Jane's reasoning: her personal choice to move is creating a significant burden on the children and the other parent. Here’s why:<ul><li>Long Commutes: On school days, both parents still work in the same city. If the children attend school in Jane's catchment, Mark would have to drive them for two hours each way on his days, just to get them to and from school and his job. This daily 4 hour commute for the children is a direct consequence of Jane's move.</li><li>Impact on the Child: Such a lengthy commute would force the children to wake up much earlier and be in extended-hour childcare, adding significant stress and fatigue. It's not in their best interest to spend so much time commuting, particularly when it's avoidable.</li></ul>Prioritizing the Child's Needs: The parenting coordinator explained that while Jane's new home is important to her, a parent's lifestyle choices should not negatively impact the child's daily routine and well-being. The child’s need for stability and a reasonable daily schedule takes precedence over a parent's preference for a school near their new residence. Ultimately, the best interest of the children is to minimize unnecessary travel and ensure a stable, consistent routine. Jane's decision to move, while valid for her, does not automatically obligate the children or the other parent to bear the resulting logistical burden. This example underscores the principle that the child's needs—not a parent's convenience—must be the primary consideration.

Choosing a School: A Guide for Separated Parents

Young couple arranges guardianship of little girl. Registration of guardianship.

As a parent, your love for your children is boundless. You want them to feel safe, happy, and secure, especially in the wake of separation or divorce. Yet, for many co-parents, one of the most contentious issues is simply sharing what city or province you're going to with the children during your parenting time, even if it is part of a court order or agreement.It's a common point of resistance. I hear it all the time: "Why do they need to know?" or "This is my time with the kids; why should I tell them what we're doing?"The truth is, this isn't about control or asking for permission. It's about fulfilling a legal and moral obligation that protects everyone—especially your children.Let's break down the three critical reasons why following a court order or agreement to share your location is essential.1. The Legal and Social Imperative: Avoid Fines, Penalties, and Endless Litigation &nbsp;First and foremost, a court order or parenting agreement is not a suggestion—it is a legally binding directive. Ignoring it can have serious consequences.<ul><li>Legal Trouble: Failure to comply can lead to a finding of contempt of court, which may result in fines, court-mandated legal fees, or even a loss of parenting time. These aren't just empty threats; they are real consequences that can drain your finances and your emotional energy. </li><li>A Foundation for Social Order: Beyond the legal penalties, respecting these orders demonstrates integrity. It builds a foundation of predictability and trust, which is the bedrock of any successful co-parenting relationship. When you follow the rules, you show your co-parent that you are reliable and committed to a structured, cooperative environment. This simple act of compliance can save both of you from a cycle of costly and emotionally draining litigation. &nbsp;</li></ul>2. The Psychological Need for Peace of Mind &amp; Safety &nbsp;Think about your own feelings. Don't you feel a sense of relief when you know your child is safe and accounted for? The other parent feels the exact same way.A parent's need to know their child's location is a fundamental psychological need for security and peace of mind. It’s not about micro-managing or invading your privacy; it's about a deep, instinctual need to ensure your child is safe.<ul><li>Peace of Mind: Knowing the children's location reduces anxiety and worry. It allows the other parent to relax, knowing that in case of an emergency—a sudden illness, a natural disaster, or an accident—they can quickly and easily locate their child.</li><li>Reciprocal Respect: By sharing information, you are building a foundation of transparency and trust. This simple act of respect can lead to a more cooperative co-parenting relationship where both of you feel valued and secure. This is the kind of healthy communication you want to model for your children.</li></ul>3. The Child's Best Interest: The Most Important Reason of All &nbsp;This is the most critical point. When you refuse to share information, you're placing your children directly in the middle of your adult conflict.Consider how a child feels when they accidentally tell their other parent about a great time they had, only to realize they've "blown a secret." This puts an immense burden on them, creating a sense of anxiety, guilt, and emotional turmoil. Your child shouldn’t have to carry the weight of your conflict or feel like a spy.Children thrive when they see their parents acting as a team, even when they no longer live together. When you follow your agreements and show mutual respect, you teach your children that they are more important than your disagreements.Ask yourself this:Do you want your children to grow up and look back at a parent who was a victim of their own drama? Or do you want them to see a parent who rose above the negativity to do what was best for them? Now is your chance to do better. Let go of the drama, the victimhood, and the negativity. By simply following your orders and agreements, you’re not just protecting yourself from legal trouble—you are actively prioritizing your children’s emotional health and well-being.You aren't asking for permission; you are simply providing a co-parent with a necessary piece of information. This is an act of basic respect that they will likely return to you. The most important thing is that your children see you working together, even if you don't necessarily like each other. That image—of two parents committed to their well-being—is the greatest gift you can give them.

Why Sharing Your Location with Your Co-Parent is Optimal: A Guide to Respect and Safety

Mid adult couple arguing on sofa at home.

Navigating changes to the parenting schedule can be a challenge, but clear and consistent communication is key. When an unexpected event comes up and a trade of parenting time is needed, following a simple and effective process can help ensure things go smoothly for everyone, especially your child.The BIFF Method &nbsp;When proposing a trade, use the BIFF method to keep your request clear and respectful:<ul><li>Brief: Get straight to the point.</li><li>Informative: Provide the necessary details about the event.</li><li>Friendly: Keep a positive and cooperative tone.</li><li>Firm: Stay focused on the request without getting sidetracked by past issues. &nbsp; <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Making a Parenting Time Trade Proposal </li></ul><ol><li>Start with the "Why." Briefly and simply state the reason for the trade. This helps your co-parent understand the context.Example: "Our child has been invited to a family wedding on Saturday from noon until 11 PM." </li><li>Make a clear proposal. Suggest a specific trade of parenting time. A good trade offers a similar type of day. Don't propose trading a regular weekend for a major holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Example: "I believe it's in our child's best interest to attend the wedding, and she'll be upset if she misses it. Would you agree to trading your weekend either before or after so she can attend this important event?"</li><li>Explain the benefit to the child. Frame the request around the child's best interest, not your own convenience. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Example: "This is an important event for her to attend and will be a special memory for her."</li></ol>Important Rules for Trading &nbsp;<ul><li>Trades are binding. Once a trade is agreed upon, it becomes the new schedule. It takes the place of the original court order or agreement.</li><li>No "tradebacks." You cannot simply demand to revert to the original schedule after a trade has been made. If the event is canceled, you must make a new proposal to trade back the days. This new proposal must also be based on the child's best interest.</li><li>Record the agreement. Make sure the agreed-upon trade is recorded in writing, such as in an email, text message, or co-parenting app. This prevents future misunderstandings and serves as a record of the change.</li><li>Disclose contingencies. If your trade proposal is dependent on something else happening, you must disclose that upfront. For example, "I can trade weekends, but only if my work schedule allows it."</li><li>Be flexible. Your co-parent may not agree to your proposed trade date but might suggest a different one. Be open to a counter-proposal that also works for you.</li></ul>

Tips for Successful Parenting Time Trades

Co-parenting after separation is a journey, and like any journey, there will be bumps in the road. For many, that biggest bump comes in the form of a never-ending email chain. You know the one—it starts with a simple question about a school pickup, and before you know it, you're 15 messages deep, dwelling on the past and feeling more frustrated than ever.If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. I see it almost every day in my practice. While the goal is to communicate, the reality is that without structure, these exchanges can quickly derail and become unproductive, creating more stress for you and, most importantly, for your children.This is where the true power of a parenting coordinator comes in. My role is not to simply mediate but to help you build the skills you need to navigate these challenges effectively. I teach four core pillars that can transform your co-parenting relationship from a battleground into a cooperative partnership.The Four Pillars of Productive Co-Parenting (based on the work of Bill Eddy, Conflict Institute)<ol><li>Manage Your Emotions: Reacting to an email in the heat of the moment will almost always lead to a negative outcome. I will show you how to pause, reflect, and respond with a calm, clear mind.</li><li>Practice Flexible Thinking: Co-parenting is about compromise, not control. I will guide you away from rigid thinking and help you find creative, new solutions that work for everyone—especially your kids.</li><li>Manage Your Behavior: Every action and message you send sets a tone. I will help you ensure your behavior and communication are always aligned with the best interests of your children.</li><li>Check Yourself: Before you hit "send," I'll teach you to ask two critical questions: "Am I considering the other person’s perspective?" and "Is this truly in the best interest of my children?" Why I Step In to Stop the Email Spiral</li></ol>My job is to help you move forward, and endless email chains are a roadblock. When I see an exchange devolving into accusations and past grievances, I will step in. Why?<ul><li>It's Ineffective: The rapid-fire nature of email prevents deep reflection and productive problem-solving.</li><li>It's Costly: Remember, every email I am copied on and every piece of communication I have to process is billed as part of my services. An unproductive, back-and-forth exchange is not only frustrating but also an expensive use of your time and resources.</li><li>It's My Job to Be Neutral: As your parenting coordinator, my role is to remain a neutral guide. I can’t effectively do my job when communication is reactive and lacks the structure we've worked so hard to establish. My focus is on solutions, not on who is right or wrong. </li></ul>A Better Way ForwardMy goal is to help you move past these common struggles and embrace a more productive approach. We will shift your focus from dwelling in the past to building a better future for your family. We will rely on tools like the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm) communication method and develop solution-focused proposals that keep the conversation on track. We follow a Communication Agreement including terms to &nbsp;not criticize, control or bring up the past. We also make proposals to move directly to solutions.If you’re tired of the email wars and ready to learn a better way to co-parent, I can help. Contact me today to learn more about how I can guide you toward a more peaceful and productive co-parenting relationship.

Tired of Endless Co-Parenting Emails? Time to Change the Conversation

Group of teenage sad friends holding phones and browsing sitting on stairs near school building after lerning day. Happy positive teens friends texting on cellphones gadgets and talking.

For high-conflict co-parents, the decision to give a child a smartphone is often less about convenience and more about a new battleground. While an iPhone can be a lifeline for a child to connect with the other parent, it also introduces a host of potential conflicts. From screen time disputes to location tracking and the weaponization of communication, the seemingly simple act of getting a child a phone can become a source of immense stress.This guide will help you with the tools and perspective needed to navigate this digital minefield for the well-being of your child.The Double-Edged Sword: Pros and Cons &nbsp;Pros:<ul><li>Connection and Security: A phone allows a child to easily and directly contact the other parent when they are not together, fostering a sense of security and maintaining the parent-child bond.</li><li>Convenience: It simplifies logistics, such as coordinating pick-ups and drop-offs or confirming a child's whereabouts. </li></ul>Cons:<ul><li>Location Tracking: A lost phone tracker is a great idea in theory, but in high-conflict situations, it can be used to track the other parent's movements, creating a feeling of surveillance and lack of privacy.</li><li>Abuse of the Device: Children, especially without clear rules, can spend excessive time on the internet, social media, or games, leading to a host of developmental and social issues.</li><li>Disputes over Rules: Who sets the rules? What happens when one parent's rules are different from the other's? Disagreements over screen time, content access, and disciplinary action can escalate into new court battles.</li></ul>The Child as a Messenger: The phone can turn a child into a spy or a messenger, reporting on the other parent's household, or calling a "favorite" parent every time they are disciplined. This triangulates the child and puts them in an emotionally impossible position. Lack of Privacy: Children must be taught that what they post or what is on their phone is not truly confidential. This is a critical lesson for their online safety and for preventing the phone from being used as a tool to undermine the other parent. &nbsp; Tips for Navigating the Issue &nbsp;Delay, Delay, Delay: Courts often defer to parents on this issue, and many legal experts recommend delaying the introduction of a smartphone. A "dumb phone" with talk and text only may be a great intermediate step to allow for communication without the complexities of the internet and social media.Agree on the "Who, What, When, Where" Before the phone is even purchased, both parents must agree on the fundamental rules. This is a time to use parallel parenting principles, where each parent has the authority to set and enforce rules in their own home. It's crucial to have a clear understanding of:Who pays for the phone and the plan? This can be a major source of conflict. At what age will the child receive a phone? What are the rules for phone use in each household? (e.g., screen time limits, when the phone is put away for the night, social media use). What are the rules for communication? Is there a designated time for calls to the other parent? Parental Controls are Non-Negotiable: If an iPhone is the agreed-upon device, parental controls must be activated. Apple's "Screen Time" and other third-party apps like Google Family Link offer robust features to manage and monitor a child's device. These can be used to:Set daily screen time limits. Restrict access to certain apps or websites. Prevent in-app purchases. Set "downtime" for school or sleep. Communicate in a Business-like Manner: When discussing phone-related issues, communicate directly with the other parent and avoid using the child as a go-between. Use a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents to keep communication factual, a-emotional, and timestamped. This creates a court-admissible record and prevents "he said/she said" arguments.Address the "Disciplined Child" Scenario: This is a common tactic in high-conflict situations. A child gets upset with one parent and immediately calls the other. Both parents must agree on a unified front. The response should be consistent: "I understand you're upset, but you need to work this out with your mom/dad. I will talk to them later." This prevents the child from playing one parent against the other.Set Boundaries on Communication: In addition to rules for the child, co-parents should agree on how they will communicate with the child. Excessive calls or texts can be seen as an intrusion on the other parent's time. Agreeing on a "reasonable" schedule for communication can prevent this.The decision to give a child a smartphone is a significant one, and in high-conflict co-parenting, it carries unique challenges. By setting clear boundaries, establishing consistent rules, and using technology to your advantage (like parental controls and co-parenting apps), you can transform a potential source of conflict into a tool that benefits your child and fosters a sense of stability, regardless of what household they are in.

Cori L. McGuire Parenting Coordinator

Blog

Beyond the Judgment: Why I Use Handouts in Parenting Coor...

Choosing a School: A Guide for Separated Parents

Why Sharing Your Location with Your Co-Parent is Optimal:...

Tips for Successful Parenting Time Trades

Tired of Endless Co-Parenting Emails? Time to Change the ...

High-Conflict Co-Parenting and the iPhone: A Guide to Nav...