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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">If you are reading this, you are likely exhausted. You are one of the estimated 10% to 15% of separated couples whose conflict has become an ongoing battle, consuming your energy, your financial resources, and your focus. When traditional "co-parenting" advice—communicate, cooperate, compromise—only leads to more fighting, it can feel like you are trapped in a courtroom tug-of-war. The good news is that there are structured, proven solutions designed specifically for your situation. The two most powerful tools are Parenting Coordination and a specific parenting model called Parallel Parenting.Here is an honest, research-backed look at how these interventions work and why they are often the only path to peace for high-conflict families.&nbsp;<h3>Part 1: The Intensive Intervention: Understanding Parenting Coordination</h3>Parenting Coordination is a court-ordered (or mutually agreed upon) process where a neutral mental health or legal professional, the PC, is appointed to assist high-conflict parents in resolving their disputes outside of the courtroom.Think of the PC as a highly specialized case manager and educator with limited, delegated power.<h3>The PC’s Hybrid Role</h3>A PC is trained to blend several functions to help you stop the fighting:Educator: They teach you and your co-parent essential skills in communication, conflict management, and the detrimental impact your conflict has on your child. Facilitator &amp; Mediator: They help you negotiate minor disputes (schedule changes, sports sign-ups, information sharing) and keep the conversation focused and professional. Decision-Maker (Limited): In BC, the PC is given the authority to make recommendations or binding decisions on minor, day-to-day parenting disputes when the parents reach an impasse, provided decisions do not contradict an order or agreement. This prevents every small disagreement from resulting in another expensive court filing.<h3>The Single Biggest Win for PC</h3>While parenting coordination can be a challenging process, the research indicates that it reduces litigation.High-conflict cases consume an inordinate amount of court time. Studies on the effectiveness of PC have consistently shown a substantial reduction in post-divorce court applications related to the children, sometimes decreasing them by as much as 48% to 75%.For you, this means less money spent on legal fees, less time sitting in courtrooms, and a faster path to closing the legal chapter of your life. It removes the court as the primary arena for your conflict. It gives you life long conflict management skills to apply to every future relationship. Your children will look back and not see that you prioritized fighting with their other parent over giving them a stable childhood.<h3>&nbsp;Part 2: The Practical Solution: Shifting to Parallel Parenting&nbsp;</h3>The traditional idea of "co-parenting"—where parents are friendly, collaborative, and attend school events together—is simply unworkable and unhealthy in a high-conflict setting. The constant need for communication creates constant opportunity for conflict.This is why Parallel Parenting is the practical, research-based alternative for high-conflict cases.<h3>What is Parallel Parenting?</h3>Parallel parenting is a structured approach designed to minimize contact and interaction between parents while still preserving each parent's strong, independent relationship with the child.It is about setting up two independent households that operate like two separate businesses, with minimal interaction between the owners.<h3>Key Characteristics of a Parallel Parenting Plan</h3>A successful parallel parenting plan is detailed, rigid, and leaves absolutely nothing to chance. Your PC's main job will be to enforce this plan.Rather than frequent calls, texts, and face-to-face updates that occur in collaborative co-parenting, your family will use a co-parenting app (Our Family Wizard) or formal email. A Communication Agreement is mandated to limit communication only to necessary logistics and it is professional, like an email to a colleague.For exchanges, instead of a brief conversation on the doorstep, exchanges happen at school, daycare, or curbside with no parent-to-parent interaction. No verbal discussions are allowed other than a polite greeting.&nbsp;For day-to-day small decisions, you do not have to check in with the other parent about bedtime, friends, or discipline. Each parent makes the daily decisions during their own time. You do not need the other parent's input on the little things, like whether your child can have ice cream or a later bedtime at your house.When attending school plays and sports games collaborative parents might sit together. In parallel parenting, parents should sit in different sections or attend different events (e.g., Mom attends the rehearsal, Dad attends the final performance) to remove conflict from the child's special moments.Collaborative parents facing conflict can often discuss and resolve it immediately. In parallel parenting, the protocol is to use the Communication Agreement to write a BIFF proposal on OFW. If an issue is not resolved, you can submit it to the Parenting Coordinator for a decision. <h3>The Biggest Benefit: Protecting Your Child</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Research consistently demonstrates that the most damaging factor for children of divorce is exposure to ongoing, intense parental conflict—not the divorce itself. When children witness or are caught in a "tug of war," they suffer from higher rates of anxiety, depression, and poor social adjustment. The Parallel Parenting framework acts as a protective shield. By minimizing the contact and eliminating the need for daily collaboration, you directly reduce your child's exposure to conflict.<h3>Conclusion: Focus on What You Can Control</h3>If collaborative co-parenting has failed, it is not a sign of failure on your part; it is a signal that a different strategy is required.Parenting Coordination provides the external authority to enforce the necessary boundaries; parallel parenting provides the internal structure to minimize conflict. Together, they create a predictable, low-drama environment where you can finally focus on the quality of your relationship with your child.Your goal is not to be friends with your ex. Your goal is to be an excellent, independent parent who provides safety and stability. In a high-conflict system, Parallel Parenting is often the most successful way to achieve that.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator with 28 years of family law experience in British Columbia. For other articles on further considerations for your child's individual circumstances when BC law is applied using "the best interests of the child test", look at our blog on <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the--graduation-truce--is-a-dangerous-myth" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the--graduation-truce--is-a-dangerous-myth">Graduation</a> and Other Events, <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/parenting-coordination-in-family-violence-cases" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/parenting-coordination-in-family-violence-cases">Family Violence</a>, and other specific issues in our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.&nbsp;

What High-Conflict Co-Parents Need to Know About Parenting Coordination and Parallel Parenting

My previous blogs have focused on <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/extracurricular-activities-for-your-child" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/extracurricular-activities-for-your-child">Extracurriculars</a>, <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being">Essential Activities</a>, and <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--i-don-t-want-to--becomes-a-barrier--navigating-resistance-in-extracurriculars" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--i-don-t-want-to--becomes-a-barrier--navigating-resistance-in-extracurriculars">Attendance Refusals</a>. &nbsp;However, there is a darker side to these activities when they are used as tools for power and control. When one parent signs a child up for a sport or class without informing the other—or worse, intentionally misrepresents the child’s abilities—it isn't just a scheduling oversight. It is a form of gatekeeping that forces the child into a "loyalty bind".<h3>1. The Psychology of the "Secret"</h3>Children thrive on stability and the freedom to share their successes. When a parent says, "Don’t tell Mom/Dad about your swimming lessons," they are doing more than asking for a secret; they are weaponizing the child's natural desire to please. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">This creates a Loyalty Conflict. The child feels that by enjoying the activity, they are betraying the "excluded" parent. Conversely, by keeping the secret, they are carrying an adult-sized burden of deception. Over time, this erodes the child’s sense of integrity and can lead to chronic anxiety.<h3>2. The "Stunted Growth" Power Play</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">A particularly damaging tactic occurs when a parent registers a child for an activity at a level far below their actual ability—for example, putting an advanced swimmer in a "Level 1" class. The psychology behind this is often two-fold:<ul><li>Control: The parent may want to ensure the child "succeeds" effortlessly so the parent can claim credit for the progress, even if it bores or frustrates the child.</li><li>Gatekeeping the Joy: By keeping the child in a lower tier or a secret class, the parent ensures they are the sole witness to the child’s milestones. They view the child’s social connections and athletic success as "territory" to be defended rather than a joy to be shared. It is an attempt to become the "primary" or "favorite" parent by monopolizing the child’s world.</li></ul><h3>3. The Legal Obligation to Consult</h3>Transparency isn't just a "nice to have" trait; in British Columbia, it is a legal framework. Under Section 40(2) of the Family Law Act, parents with shared responsibility have a duty to consult one another on significant decisions, including extracurricular involvement.&nbsp;The Power Play: Withholding info to gain "favoritism" or "primary" status. The Consequence: Entering a cycle of Badmouthing and Alienation. Research by experts like Dr. Joan Kelly shows that these high-conflict tactics are primary drivers of long-term emotional trauma in children.<h3>4. Avoiding the "Secret Activities" Syndrome</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Imagine your child achieves a new personal best and looks to the sidelines, only to realize one parent is missing because they were never told, and the other parent is the only one "allowed" to know. This makes the child feel their life is fractured. As we noted in our other linked articles about Extracurricular Activities, these moments should be about the child's growth, not the parents' competition. <h3>How to Pivot Toward Transparency</h3>To move away from power-tripping and toward child-centered parenting, consider these steps:<ul><li>Ask Your "Why": Be honest. Is this secret for the child’s benefit, or is it a way to "win" or exclude your ex-partner?</li><li>Neutral Scheduling: Use apps like OurFamilyWizard or TwoYou. This allows you to fulfill your legal duty to inform without needing to engage in high-conflict verbal exchanges.</li><li>The 24-Hour Rule: Commit to informing the other parent within 24 hours of any registration.</li><li>Prioritize the Child's Level: Ensure the child is placed based on their skill, not your desire to manage their environment. Stunting their growth to satisfy your control is a form of emotional neglect.</li><li>Commit to Education and Self Mastery: These skills do not come naturally following the trauma of &nbsp;separation and divorce. Fight or flight is part of our biological defense mechanism when we feel attacked. However, now is the time to heal from the trauma and ensure your children are not stuck in unhealthy inter-generational cycles. We can move beyond our experiences and model resiliency.</li></ul>This article discusses general considerations and may be updated over time. It is not a determination of the Best Interests of any particular child. Reproduction requires prior written consent.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. For our full list of articles, click on our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library.</a>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

Why Secret Activities are Co-Parenting Poison

Miyakojima: A spectacular view from the triangulation point

When a family transitions through separation or divorce, the parents aren't the only ones navigating a new landscape. Children are often processing a complex internal world, trying to balance their love for two different households.Our starting point is the child’s perspective. In high-conflict separation and divorces, a child can easily slide into a "loyalty bind". &nbsp;A loyalty bind is the feeling that they must choose sides between parents or manage an parent's emotions to keep the peace. As parents, our most vital role is to act as a safe harbor; our job is to provide a consistent, stable environment where children feel no pressure to participate in their parents' conflict. <span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Science of Stability<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The research in child development is clear and impactful. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study found that witnessing intense, prolonged parental conflict can lead to long-term "toxic stress." Conversely, research experts like Dr. Joan Kelly found that the quality of a child's relationship with both parents is the greatest predictor of their future success. Providing a calm environment that shields children from adult disagreements, actively protects their brain development and long-term physical health.<h2>Choosing the "Safe Harbor" Response</h2><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">A normal, natural human instinct is to want to defend ourselves or "set the record straight" when we believe our co-parent is being difficult. For example, if vacation plan fall through because of a scheduling disagreement, an impulse might be to tell the child, "I tried, but Mom/Dad said no." However, the "Safe Harbor" parent will recognize that such a reply could end up making the child to carry adult resentments. The solution is to keep the discussion between the parents, therapists, lawyers and parenting coordinators. Always try to show a united or neutral front to your children. Parenting doesn't require perfection; it requires us to put our children's emotional safety above our need to be "right." <span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Safe Harbor Communication Rules<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Sticking to these boundaries helps ensure you remain the "stable anchor" for your children, no matter what choices your co-parent makes. <ul><li>Other than getting some general feedback on your child's views about an issue that effects them, never discuss court, child support, or legal issues directly with your children. If a child asks why a schedule changed, the answer should be: "Your parents have a new plan to make sure everyone is taken care of."</li><li>Do not use your child as a courier for information about your co-parent or to discuss child support and ask for money. Sending messages through your children forces them to anticipate the other parent’s reaction, causing them stress.</li><li>When a child returns from parenting time and shares something upsetting, don't get upset. &nbsp;Instead, provide your child with stability. Pointing out your co- parent’s flaws to your children only reinforces the loyalty bind.</li><li>At school or extracurricular activities, ensure that your children have permission to greet both parents. Your mannerisms should signal that you are comfortable with them engaging with their other parent in your presence.</li><li>When your children return from a fun weekend or a trip with your co-parent, let them to be excited. Be the parent who can hear about the other’s "wins" without flinching as a sign of a "safe harbor". &nbsp; <span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">A Protection That Lasts Beyond Graduation</li></ul>It is a common misconception that once a child graduates high school or turns 18, they are immune to parental conflict. The need for a Safe Harbor often becomes even more critical with young adults.Adult children feel the weight of "emotional gatekeeping." They may feel they have to host two separate holiday dinners, hide their successes from one parent to avoid hurting the other, or navigate the stress of having both parents in the same room at a college graduation or wedding. You don't have to ever sit beside each other if things were extremely violent. However, children<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> need reassurance that their relationship with one parent is not a betrayal of the other. By remaining a Safe Harbor, you allow your adult children to focus on their own lives, rather than managing the emotions of their parents.Choosing peace is a lifelong gift to ourselves and our children. It breaks the cycle of conflict and gives your child the freedom to be themselves.*For further reading about triangulation and loyalty conflicts, read these articles:1. <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-non-negotiable-rule--why-your-child-is-never-the-messenger" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-non-negotiable-rule--why-your-child-is-never-the-messenger">The Non‑Negotiable Rule: Why Your Child Is Never the Messenger</a>Summary: This article explains the emotional harm that occurs when children are required to carry messages between parents. It outlines how courts view this behaviour and why it is prohibited. The piece emphasizes the importance of shielding children from adult responsibilities and conflict.2. <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/protecting-your-child-from-conflict" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/protecting-your-child-from-conflict">Protecting Your Child from Conflict</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Summary: This article provides practical strategies for reducing a child’s exposure to adult conflict. It explains how children internalize tension and how parents can create emotional safety even in high-conflict situations. The piece offers actionable steps to prioritize stability and well‑being.3. <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--child-s-choice--becomes-a-child-s-burden--understanding-loyalty-conflicts-in-high-conflict-co-parenting" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--child-s-choice--becomes-a-child-s-burden--understanding-loyalty-conflicts-in-high-conflict-co-parenting">When “Child’s Choice” Becomes a Child’s Burden</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Summary: This article describes the emotional burden placed on children when they are asked to express preferences about time with each parent. It explains how loyalty conflicts manifest and why children often try to protect both parents by saying what they think adults want to hear. The article outlines best practices for shielding children from adult decisions.4. <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-badmouthing-your-co-parent-damages-your-child" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-badmouthing-your-co-parent-damages-your-child">How Badmouthing Your Co-Parent Damages Your Child</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Summary: This article explains how negative comments about the other parent place children in loyalty conflicts that undermine emotional safety and healthy development. It describes how children internalize criticism, experience anxiety and guilt, and feel pressured to manage adult emotions. The piece emphasizes that courts view badmouthing as harmful conduct and highlights the importance of modeling respectful communication to protect children from adult conflict.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Cori L. McGuire</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Cori has two other articles on triangulation: <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/protecting-your-child-from-conflict" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/protecting-your-child-from-conflict" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Protecting Your Child From Conflict</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> and <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-badmouthing-your-co-parent-damages-your-child" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/how-badmouthing-your-co-parent-damages-your-child" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">How Badmouthing Your Co-Parent Damages Your Child</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> with further reading by subject in our <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-selected="inline-boundary">Resource Library﻿</a>.© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

The Safe Harbor: How to Respond to Triangulation

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Years ago, I was asked a general question about my practice philosophy when one parent is Indigenous and the other is not. These situations can present unique challenges, particularly where one parent seeks to support a child’s immersion in their People’s teachings, culture, and spirituality, and the other parent experiences uncertainty or disagreement about how that should occur. As a non‑Indigenous PC, I approach these matters with care, humility, and an acute awareness of the limits of my role. This article does not describe decision‑making authority in any specific case. Rather, it outlines the principles that inform my facilitative approach, always subject to the terms of a particular PC Order and the circumstances of the individual family.<h2>Parenting Coordination of Indigenous Children</h2>Parenting coordination begins with the lived reality of the child, not with abstract positions taken by adults. Where a child is Indigenous, that identity forms part of the child’s reality and lived experience. British Columbia’s Family Law Act recognizes that parents are responsible for making decisions respecting a child’s cultural, linguistic, religious, and spiritual upbringing, including — where applicable — the child’s Indigenous identity. Courts and legislators have consistently emphasized that cultural identity is one of the factors relevant to assessing a child’s best interests.Under section 37 of the Family Law Act, decision‑makers are directed to consider the best interests of the child, taking into account the child’s unique circumstances. For Indigenous children, courts have repeatedly acknowledged that cultural identity, connection to community, and continuity of heritage can be central to emotional security, belonging, and long‑term wellbeing. These considerations are not applied mechanically; they are assessed case by case, alongside all other relevant factors.Federal legislation, including An Act Respecting First Nations, Inuit and Métis Children, Youth and Families, and provincial commitments such as British Columbia’s Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples Act, reflect a broader legal context in which a child’s right to know, learn, and experience their culture is recognized as important to healthy development. Research in child development similarly indicates that strong connections to culture, language, Elders, and community are associated with positive outcomes for many Indigenous children, including resilience, identity development, and emotional wellbeing.In parenting coordination, the task is not to elevate one parent’s position over the other, nor to impose values or outcomes. The role is to assist parents in developing workable, respectful parenting arrangements that take the child’s full context into account, within the authority granted by the PC Order. A child’s identity is not something that can be neatly divided between households; children experience themselves as whole people. Stability, from a child’s perspective, often arises not only from routines and schedules, but from feeling grounded, understood, and secure in who they are.Where appropriate, section 37 of the Family Law Act also directs consideration of the child’s views. When Indigenous children express pride or connection through cultural practices, language, or relationships with Elders, those experiences may carry meaning beyond typical extracurricular activities. Parenting coordination provides a structured forum for parents to plan thoughtfully around these experiences, balancing them with the practical realities of parenting arrangements.In British Columbia, issues such as schooling, activities, and travel are frequently examined by courts through the lens of a child’s broader connections and stability. Courts have cautioned against arrangements that unnecessarily weaken a child’s meaningful ties, including cultural ties, while also recognizing that each family’s situation is distinct and must be assessed on its own facts.My approach in these situations is grounded in neutrality and fairness. Parenting coordination is not about declaring winners, enforcing beliefs, or substituting personal judgment for that of the court. It is about helping parents manage conflict, clarify misunderstandings, and develop child‑focused plans that reflect both the legal framework and the child’s lived experience.Supporting a child’s Indigenous heritage does not require diminishing the role or importance of the other parent. When addressed thoughtfully, cultural participation can be understood not as a source of division, but as one of many elements that contribute to a child’s sense of security and belonging. The aim is to assist parents in building practical arrangements that allow a child to grow with confidence, supported in all aspects of their identity.In my experience, effective parenting coordination requires an honest acknowledgment of limits — both legal and professional. My role is not to advocate for outcomes, but to manage adult conflict in a way that keeps the focus on the child and respects the boundaries of the process. Cultural identity is not a bargaining chip, but neither is it something a PC unilaterally defines or enforces. Each family’s circumstances, and each PC Order, shape how these principles are applied in practice.The goal is to create conditions in which children can grow up secure, connected, and supported. Cultural ties are not problems to be solved; they are part of the child’s context to be understood, respected, and thoughtfully incorporated into parenting arrangements — always with care, balance, and attention to the specific family before us.Written by Cori L. McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">For, more information about how BC law requires the focus to be on the best interests of the child in specific situations, such as <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/gender-identity-in-parenting-coordination" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/gender-identity-in-parenting-coordination">Gender Identity</a> or &nbsp;<a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-perfect-storm--when-school-bullying-meets-high-conflict-divorce" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-perfect-storm--when-school-bullying-meets-high-conflict-divorce" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">School Bullying</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">, visit our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resource Library</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">.&nbsp;

Navigating Indigenous Heritage in Parenting Coordination

In the world of co-parenting, life doesn’t stand still. Whether it’s a military deployment, a mandatory career training session, or a stay at a treatment center for health and wellness, parents can find themselves facing the difficult reality of having to leave their children in the primary care of the other parent for an extended period.While the parent is working toward a better future for the family, the immediate reality for the child is one of absence. Under Section 37 of the BC Family Law Act, the "best interests of the child" is the only consideration. A huge part of that interest is emotional stability and the mitigation of grief and despair that children feel when separated from a primary attachment figure.<h3>The Psychology of the Gap</h3>To a child, a parent’s absence isn’t just a scheduling change; it’s an emotional disruption. Without proper support, this can lead to Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), which research shows can have long-term impacts on their mental and physical health.&nbsp;The goal of Parenting Coordination is to bridge this gap by ensuring the child feels reassured rather than abandoned. The goal is to transform a traumatic separation into a manageable transition. There are many things both parents can do to spare their children from unnecessary distress from long separations. However, the starting point must be a robust order or agreement with a parenting plan, specifically articulating the PC's role to manage parent behaviors, add counselling if needed, and for PC fee funding, with an ability for the parties to seek directions from the court if the PC process is frustrated.<h3>&nbsp;Strategies for Stability: The PC's Toolkit</h3>To protect your child’s long-term mental health, we recommend implementing a Connection Plan. Here is how you can maintain your presence, even from a distance:<h3>1. The Power of "Concrete" Reminders</h3>Children, especially younger ones, are tactile. They need physical items to ground them such as:<ul><li>Encourage the child to keep a security object such as a "daddy/mommy blanket" or a specific stuffed animal that stays with them.</li><li>A t-shirt that smells like the departing parent can provide immense sensory comfort during bedtime.</li><li>If you are away, your child can still hear your voice reading their favorite bedtime story via recordable books.</li></ul><h3>2. Visual Predictability</h3>Anxiety often stems from not knowing when the separation will end.<ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Use a physical wall calendar where the child can cross off days. This turns an abstract "long time" into a visible journey toward a reunion. </li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Place photos of both parents in the child’s room at both homes to signal that the "missing" parent is still a constant part of their world.</li></ul><h3>3. Structured Communication </h3><ul><li>Inconsistency breeds anxiety; reliability builds security. Whether it’s a 7:00 PM FaceTime or a Saturday morning video call, keep it as a ritual.</li><li>For older children, a basic landline, flip phone, iPad or a monitored messaging device allows them to send a quick "I love you" without needing to go through the other parent, fostering a sense of direct access.</li></ul><h3>4. Professional Support</h3>A neutral therapist can provide a safe space for a child to express their grief and despair. Sometimes these are feelings they struggle to name or might be afraid to show their parents for fear of hurting them.&nbsp;A PC can help parents navigate the logistics of these transitions, ensuring that the "home-base" parent is supported and the "away" parent remains informed.<h3>&nbsp;A Message of Reassurance</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Separation and divorce are painful for adults, but for children, the trauma is often rooted in the fear of losing a connection. By being proactive and using these tools, you are telling your child: "I am not leaving you; I am simply in a different place right now, and you are still the center of my world." By prioritizing stability today, you are protecting their mental health for a lifetime.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator with 28 years of family law experience in British Columbia. For further reading, click on <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-peace-program-and-an-easter-message" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-peace-program-and-an-easter-message">The PEACE Program</a> and <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-safe-harbor--why-your-child-s-therapy-requires-a--united-front" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-safe-harbor--why-your-child-s-therapy-requires-a--united-front">Child Therapy as a Safe Harbor</a>. Refer to more reading in our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.&nbsp; © 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

When Duty Calls: Maintaining Connection During Temporary Relocation

Female and male kids in vintage clothes posing at camera against pink background

<h2>How Parenting Coordination Assists Families When a Child Raises Questions About Gender Identity</h2><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When a child expresses distress related to their gender identity, or seeks changes in how they live and are recognized, some families might experience fear, grief, confusion, and deep disagreement. For separated parents, these differences can escalate quickly, placing the child at the centre of ongoing adult conflict. Parenting coordination exists to reduce that conflict and protect the child from harm, not to replace judicial decision‑making, medical expertise, or parental authority where it lawfully exists. The Parenting Coordinator’s role is to help parents implement the law, court orders/agreements, and professional guidance in a way that promotes stability, safety, and the child’s well‑being, while maintaining strict neutrality.This article explains how parenting coordination approaches these situations in British Columbia, the legal framework governing the work, how bias is addressed, and—critically—when an issue must return to court rather than being resolved through parenting coordination. <h3>The Legal Framework in BC</h3>Under section 37 of the Family Law Act (FLA), all decisions affecting children must be made with the best interests of the child as the sole consideration. Factors frequently engaged in high‑conflict parenting coordination files include:• The child’s health and emotional well‑being (s. 37(2)(a))• The child’s views, unless inappropriate to consider (s. 37(2)(b))• The child’s need for stability, given age and stage of development (s. 37(2)(e))• The impact of family violence, including psychological harm, on the child’s safety and well‑being (s. 37(2)(g))Parenting coordinators do not weigh these factors as a court would. Instead, they apply them within the scope of their delegated authority to make determinations necessary to implement existing parenting arrangements and reduce ongoing conflict.<h3>Human Rights and Public Institutions</h3>British Columbia’s Human Rights Code prohibits discrimination based on gender identity and gender expression. Public institutions, including schools, operate within this framework, and families often encounter these issues through educational and healthcare systems.Parenting coordination does not adjudicate human rights claims. However, PCs must ensure that parenting arrangements do not expose children to unnecessary psychological harm, instability, or conflict in their daily environments.<h3>The Role of the Parenting Coordinator: Neutral, Bounded, and Child‑Focused</h3>A Parenting Coordinator is not a judge, assessor, or therapist, and does not replace those roles. A PC does not:• decide unresolved parenting rights,• determine a child’s legal capacity,• override a guardian’s statutory authority,• or make findings binding on the court.Instead, the PC’s role is to implement existing authority—court orders, agreements, and applicable law—while minimizing the child’s exposure to adult conflict.<h3>Core Functions in These Cases</h3>Within mandate, a PC may:• Clarify how existing orders or agreements apply in daily parenting.• Structure communication so disputes are addressed between adults rather than placed on the child.• Make determinations necessary to implement parenting arrangements.• Identify and respond to family violence, including psychological harm, within determinations, where relevant to safety and implementation.• Facilitate required consultations between guardians under section 40 of the FLA.• Support consistency across households where consistency is legally required or already agreed upon.Throughout this work, the PC must maintain actual and perceived impartiality, recognizing that parents may hold deeply different perspectives while still acting from concern for their child.<h3>Stability, Conflict, and the Child’s Experience</h3>Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) consistently shows that chronic conflict, instability, and divided loyalties are major contributors to long‑term harm. Parenting coordination therefore focuses on preventing children from becoming emotional intermediaries in parental disputes.When parents respond differently to a child’s expressed identity, children may feel pressure to alter their language, behaviour, or self‑presentation depending on which household they are in. Over time, this can place the child in a state of heightened vigilance, prioritizing conflict avoidance over normal developmental tasks.From a parenting coordination perspective, the concern is not ideological. The concern is whether parental conflict and instability are engaging the best‑interests factors under section 37 of the FLA, particularly emotional well‑being and the need for stability.<h3>Guidance from the Courts</h3>British Columbia courts have addressed related issues in cases such as <a data-mce-href="https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcca/doc/2020/2020bcca11/2020bcca11.html" href="https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcca/doc/2020/2020bcca11/2020bcca11.html">A.B. V. C.D.,&nbsp;2020 BCCA 11</a>, which involved a mature minor’s medical decision‑making under the Infants Act. That case confirms that:• Capacity to consent to medical treatment is assessed by healthcare providers.• Where a child is capable, their consent has legal effect.• Parental conduct causing serious psychological harm may engage the family violence provisions of the FLA.Parenting coordinators do not make capacity determinations and do not extend court findings beyond their factual context. However, where medical authority or court orders are clear, a PC may assist parents in understanding their legal obligations and implementing parenting arrangements accordingly.<h3>Addressing Bias Concerns</h3>Allegations of bias do not automatically terminate the parenting coordination process. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When bias concerns arise, the PC has a professional obligation to:• Reflect on the concern using an objective, reasonable‑person standard and BC Guidelines for PCs.• Address the concern transparently with the parties.• Utilize Parenting Coordination Roster dispute resolution processes where appropriate.A PC will withdraw, subject to substantial compliance with the participation agreement. where a reasonable apprehension of bias is established, not simply because a parent disagrees with a determination or outcome. This protects both the integrity of the process and the child from unnecessary disruption.<h3>When an Issue Requires Court Intervention</h3>Parenting coordination is not a substitute for judicial decision‑making. A matter must return to court when it exceeds the PC’s delegated authority or requires judicial findings.Court intervention is required when:• There is no existing order or agreement guiding the disputed issue, and the determination would create rather than implement parenting rights or obligations;• Parents fundamentally disagree about who holds decision‑making authority, not merely about how that authority is exercised;• A determination is required regarding:&nbsp; &nbsp; • a child’s legal capacity under the Infants Act,&nbsp; &nbsp; • medical consent where authority is contested,&nbsp; &nbsp; • long‑term or rights‑altering restrictions on a parent’s conduct,&nbsp; &nbsp; • or findings of family violence that would require new court orders, rather than implementation measures;• Procedural fairness cannot be preserved within the parenting coordination process due to the need for formal evidence testing, credibility findings, or judicial remedies; or• The PC’s involvement risks substituting for judicial decision‑making, rather than implementing existing authority.The presence of family violence, high conflict, or disagreement does not automatically require court intervention. Court involvement becomes necessary when authority runs out, not when conflict arises.In these circumstances, the PC’s role is to identify the limits of the process, clearly document the issue, and assist the parties in returning to court efficiently, rather than attempting to fill a judicial gap.<h3>Language, Respect, and Professional Caution</h3>Language affects stress, belonging, and daily functioning. Parenting coordination seeks to reduce harm by promoting respectful, consistent parenting practices where legally required, while remaining cautious not to pre‑judge contested issues or adopt advocacy positions.The goal is not agreement on beliefs, but compliance with the law, reduction of harm, and protection of the child from ongoing adult conflict.<h3>Conclusion</h3>Parenting coordination does not resolve every dispute, and it is not designed to. Its value lies in providing a neutral, structured process that helps families function within existing legal authority while keeping children out of the centre of adult conflict.When the limits of the role are respected, parenting coordination can affordable promote stability, clarity, and emotional safety—while preserving the court’s essential role as the ultimate decision‑maker when judicial authority is required.Glossary: Understanding the Language These terms are used to align with medical and educational professionals:<ul><li>"Gender Identity" - A person’s internal, deeply felt sense of being male, female, a blend of both, or neither. This is different from the sex assigned at birth.</li><li>"Gender Expression" - How a person presents their gender to the world through clothing, hair, voice, and behavior.</li><li>"Cisgender" - A person whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth.</li><li>"Transgender" - An umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.</li><li>"Non-Binary" - A person whose gender identity does not fit strictly into the categories of "male" or "female."</li><li>"Gender Dysphoria" - The significant distress or discomfort that can occur when a person’s identity does not align with their physical body or assigned sex. This is a clinical term used to determine support and care.</li><li>"Social Transition" - Non-medical steps a child takes to live as their self-identified gender (e.g., changing name, pronouns, and appearance).</li><li>"Gender-Affirming Care" - A patient-centered approach to healthcare that supports and affirms a person’s gender identity.</li><li>"Affirmation" - The act of validating a child's stated identity. Research shows parental affirmation is a primary "protective factor" against mental health risks. </li></ul><h3>Why the Language Matters</h3>Using a child’s preferred name and pronouns is not just a preference; it is a tool for reducing toxic stress. By providing consistency, we provide stability (Section 37(2)(e)) and create a soft landing for a child navigating an uncertain world.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and family law lawyer in British Columbia since 1998. For further reading about applying BC's "best interests of the child" law to specific situations, refer to our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library </a>and other articles such as <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-perfect-storm--when-school-bullying-meets-high-conflict-divorce" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-perfect-storm--when-school-bullying-meets-high-conflict-divorce">School Bullying</a> and <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--child-s-choice--becomes-a-child-s-burden--understanding-loyalty-conflicts-in-high-conflict-co-parenting" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--child-s-choice--becomes-a-child-s-burden--understanding-loyalty-conflicts-in-high-conflict-co-parenting">Understanding Loyalty Conflicts.</a>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

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Navigating Indigenous Heritage in Parenting Coordination

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Gender Identity in Parenting Coordination