Why Secret Activities are Co-Parenting Poison

My previous blogs have focused on Extracurriculars, Essential Activities, and Attendance Refusals.  However, there is a darker side to these activities when they are used as tools for power and control. When one parent signs a child up for a sport or class without informing the other—or worse, intentionally misrepresents the child’s abilities—it isn't just a scheduling oversight. It is a form of gatekeeping that forces the child into a "loyalty bind."

1. The Psychology of the "Secret"

Children thrive on stability and the freedom to share their successes. When a parent says, "Don’t tell Mom/Dad about your swimming lessons," they are doing more than asking for a secret; they are weaponizing the child's natural desire to please.

This creates a Loyalty Conflict. The child feels that by enjoying the activity, they are betraying the "excluded" parent. Conversely, by keeping the secret, they are carrying an adult-sized burden of deception. Over time, this erodes the child’s sense of integrity and can lead to chronic anxiety.

2. The "Stunted Growth" Power Play

A particularly damaging tactic occurs when a parent registers a child for an activity at a level far below their actual ability—for example, putting an advanced swimmer in a "Level 1" class.

The psychology behind this is often two-fold:

• Control: The parent may want to ensure the child "succeeds" effortlessly so the parent can claim credit for the progress, even if it bores or frustrates the child.
• Gatekeeping the Joy: By keeping the child in a lower tier or a secret class, the parent ensures they are the sole witness to the child’s milestones. They view the child’s social connections and athletic success as "territory" to be defended rather than a joy to be shared. It is an attempt to become the "primary" or "favorite" parent by monopolizing the child’s world.

3. The Legal Obligation to Consult

Transparency isn't just a "nice to have" trait; in British Columbia, it is a legal framework. Under Section 40(2) of the Family Law Act, parents with shared responsibility have a duty to consult one another on significant decisions, including extracurricular involvement.

The Power Play: Withholding info to gain "favoritism" or "primary" status.
The Consequence: Entering a cycle of Badmouthing and Alienation. Research by experts like Dr. Joan Kellyshows that these high-conflict tactics are primary drivers of long-term emotional trauma in children.

4. Avoiding the "Secret Activities" Syndrome

Imagine your child achieves a new personal best and looks to the sidelines, only to realize one parent is missing because they were never told, and the other parent is the only one "allowed" to know. This makes the child feel their life is fractured. As we noted in our other linked articles about Extracurricular Activities, these moments should be about the child's growth, not the parents' competition.

How to Pivot Toward Transparency

To move away from power-tripping and toward child-centered parenting, consider these steps:

• Ask Your "Why": Be honest. Is this secret for the child’s benefit, or is it a way to "win" or exclude your ex-partner?
• Neutral Scheduling: Use apps like OurFamilyWizard or TwoYou. This allows you to fulfill your legal duty to inform without needing to engage in high-conflict verbal exchanges.
• The 24-Hour Rule: Commit to informing the other parent within 24 hours of any registration.
• Prioritize the Child's Level: Ensure the child is placed based on their skill, not your desire to manage their environment. Stunting their growth to satisfy your control is a form of emotional neglect.
• Commit to Education and Self Mastery: These skills do not come naturally following the trauma of  separation and divorce. Fight or flight is part of our biological defense mechanism when we feel attacked. However, now is the time to heal from the trauma and ensure your children are not stuck in unhealthy inter-generational cycles. We can move beyond our experiences and model resiliency.