When the Helpers Hurt: Forgiving the Professionals in Your Co-Parenting Journey

In the difficult and often overwhelming world of family law, you rely on professionals—judges, psychologists, and parenting coordinators—to help you navigate the storm. Their role is to be a steady hand, a neutral guide, and a voice of reason when you and your co-parent are unable to find common ground.

But what happens when you feel those same professionals have let you down?

I've worked with many clients who carry deep resentment not just toward their co-parent, but also toward the very people who were meant to help. The judge who made a decision you felt was unfair, the psychologist who wrote a parenting assessment that seemed to completely miss the mark, or even the parenting coordinator whose actions you believe caused harm.

This feeling of being wronged can be just as potent and damaging as the anger you feel toward your co-parent. It keeps you stuck, replaying the "what if" scenarios and fueling a sense of injustice.

The Hardest Thing We Can Ever Do
 

As helping professionals, we know we don't always get it right. We are human, and so are the judges and psychologists you work with. We come to every case with the best intentions, but our work is often based on limited information and our own professional judgment. Sometimes, our decisions or recommendations simply don't align with your perspective or desires, even if they are made in what we believe to be the best interest of the child.

Holding on to this resentment, however, does nothing but harm you. It ties you to the past, distracts you from the present, and prevents you from focusing on what truly matters: moving forward constructively for your children.

One of the hardest things we can ever do in life is to look at our own conduct, consider the perspective of others, and find a way to forgive. This applies not only to your co-parent but also to the professionals you feel have wronged you.

A Path to Resolution and Forgiveness
 

You are not powerless. Rather than holding onto anger and a sense of injustice, you have a constructive way forward.

In British Columbia, specifically within the world of parenting coordination, there is a built-in system designed to address your concerns without resorting to costly litigation or formal complaints to regulatory bodies.

Direct Communication: The first step is to communicate your concerns directly to your parenting coordinator. Often, misunderstandings can be resolved through an open and honest conversation.
Internal Service Complaint: If you feel the issue is more serious, you can make a service complaint directly to the parenting coordinator's internal organization. These processes are designed to be a no-fee way to address the issue, ensuring your concerns are heard and reviewed.
Consensual Dispute Resolution: If the complaint is not resolved, the BC Parenting Coordination Roster has a formal consensual dispute resolution process. A neutral facilitator is appointed to help you and the parenting coordinator negotiate a compromise and find a resolution. This approach is designed to be less adversarial and more focused on mutual agreement, a far better option than going back to court.
By engaging in these processes, you are taking an active, powerful step to address your concerns. You are letting go of the passive victim role and moving into the driver's seat.

Reclaiming Your Joy
 

Ultimately, releasing resentment toward a judge, a psychologist, or a parenting coordinator is a part of the larger journey of self-mastery. It is about understanding that you cannot control the past or the actions of others, but you can control your own conduct and attitude.

Forgiveness is not a one-time magical act. It is a daily practice. It means choosing to let go of the anger you feel toward a flawed decision and instead focusing on the magnificent life you are creating for yourself and your children.

If you find yourself stuck, remember this: every second you spend ruminating over a past decision is a second you are not spending in joy. The power to break free from that cycle lies within you. Take that power back. You deserve a magnificent life, and so do your children.

 
If you are in BC and have a concern about your parenting coordinator's conduct, you have options. Please speak with your PC about a service complaint or reach out to the BC Parenting Coordination Roster to learn more about their dispute resolution process.