When Children Refuse Parenting Time

As parents, you share a common goal: to raise a child who is emotionally resilient, secure, and capable of forming strong, lasting relationships. When parents separate, children often experience a range of emotions, and it's natural for them to express anxieties or preferences. However, sometimes these expressions, particularly around parenting time, can inadvertently place a burden on young children that they are not equipped to handle, and which can have significant long-term consequences.

This guide is designed to help you understand why it's vital for young children to have consistent relationships with both parents (where safety is not an issue*), and how empowering them through structure and reassurance, rather than decision-making, fosters their emotional well-being and prepares them for a lifetime of healthy connections.

The Developing Child: Why Young Children Need Parental Guidance
Children under 10 are still developing their capacity for complex emotional regulation, long-term thinking, and understanding the nuances of adult relationships.

• Limited Emotional Coping Skills: While children can express feelings like "anxiety" or "discomfort," their ability to manage these intense emotions independently is limited. They often look to their parents for reassurance and structure.
• Concrete Thinkers: Young children tend to think concretely. They may not fully grasp the concept of "long-term best interest" or the importance of maintaining relationships despite temporary discomforts.
• Vulnerability to Influence: Children are highly attuned to their parents' emotions and opinions. They can unconsciously absorb a parent's negative feelings about the other parent, even if not explicitly stated. This can lead to a child articulating the parent's anxieties or preferences as their own.
• The Burden of Choice: When a young child is put in charge of decisions about parenting time (e.g., "Do you want to go to Dad's tonight?"), it places an immense, inappropriate burden on them.
  • Loyalty Conflict: They feel torn between pleasing one parent and being with the other. This creates internal conflict and guilt.
  • Sense of Control (False): While it may seem like giving them control, it actually fosters a sense of power over adult decisions, which they are not equipped to handle. This can lead to anxiety, manipulative behaviors, and a feeling that they are responsible for adult problems.
  • Avoidance of Discomfort: Children naturally seek comfort and avoid discomfort. If allowed to dictate parenting time based on fleeting anxieties, they learn to avoid any situation that feels challenging, hindering their ability to develop resilience.

Why "I Don't Feel Safe" Needs Careful Assessment (and Not Blind Acceptance)
When a child states, "I don't feel safe," it requires immediate and careful attention. However, in the absence of *credible evidence of danger, this statement, especially from a young child, often reflects:

• Anxiety about transitions: Change is hard for children.
• Loyalty conflicts: They feel pulled between two parents.
• Exposure to a parent's negative views: They may be echoing a parent's feelings or anxieties about the other parent.
• Misinterpretation of normal discomfort: A child's normal anxiety about separation or adapting to a different household may be expressed as "unsafe" because they lack the vocabulary for nuanced emotions.
  

It is crucial to differentiate between a child expressing temporary discomfort or anxiety, and *a genuine, evidence-based threat to their safety. When no objective safety concerns exist, allowing a child to refuse parenting time based on these expressed feelings is detrimental. It's not the same as allowing a child to choose their favorite toy; it's about making a fundamental decision about their core relationships and development.  

The Long-Term Impact: Why Maintaining Both Parental Relationships Matters
Research consistently shows the profound benefits for children when they maintain a healthy relationship with both parents, provided both parents are safe and loving.

• Emotional Security and Stability: Consistent relationships with both parents provide a broader base of love, support, and security. Children with strong bonds with both parents tend to have higher self-esteem and better emotional regulation (Fabricius et al., 2012; Amato & Keith, 1991).
• Reduced Anxiety and Depression: Children who feel comfortable and secure in their relationships with both parents are less likely to experience anxiety and depression often associated with parental conflict or alienation (Kelly & Emery, 2003).
• Improved Social Skills and Academic Performance: Children with strong parental relationships often demonstrate better social skills, are more adaptable, and tend to perform better academically (Amato & Keith, 1991).
• Resilience and Adaptability: Navigating different households and routines, with parental support, builds resilience and adaptability – crucial life skills.
  Healthy Adult Relationships: A child who learns that relationships can endure differences, and that love can be unconditional, is more likely to form secure, trusting, and lasting relationships in adulthood (Bowlby, 1969; Bowlby, 1988). When a child is allowed to cut off a parent, they learn that avoiding discomfort by severing essential ties is an acceptable coping mechanism. This can lead to significant pain, anxiety, and a sense of loss in their own adult relationships, as they may struggle with conflict resolution, forgiveness, and the idea of enduring love.
  

Proactive Steps: Empowering Your Child (and Yourself) for Success
Your role as a parent is to make decisions that serve your child's long-term best interests, even when those decisions might involve temporary discomfort for the child. This is analogous to taking your child to the doctor when they're scared, or insisting they go to school even when they don't want to – you know it's for their good.

Here's how to proactively support your child in maintaining strong bonds with both parents:

1.  Shift from Child-Led Decisions to Parent-Led Structure:

• You are the Parent: It's your responsibility to make decisions about parenting time, not the child's. "Mommy/Daddy and I have decided that you will be going to [other parent's] house tonight/this weekend. We know you might feel a little nervous, and that's okay. We are here to help you."
• Predictable Routine: Establish and stick to a consistent parenting time schedule. Predictability reduces anxiety for children.
• Firm, Loving Boundaries: Communicate boundaries clearly and calmly. "It's time to get ready for Dad's. I know you'd rather stay here, but this is important for you and Dad to have your time together."

2.  Validate Feelings, Direct Behavior:

• Acknowledge Emotions: "I hear you saying you feel anxious/scared. It's okay to feel that way."
• Reassure and Reframe: "It's normal to feel a little nervous when you go to a different house, but you are safe, and [other parent] loves you very much. You'll have fun playing [activity]."
• Avoid Confirming Negative Narratives: Do not engage in discussions that validate or fuel the child's (or your own) negative perceptions of the other parent. "I understand you're feeling scared, but Dad is a good dad and he will take good care of you."

3.  Actively Facilitate the Relationship with the Other Parent:

• Positive Messaging: Speak positively (or neutrally) about the other parent to your child. "Dad is really looking forward to seeing you!" "Mom has a special activity planned."
• Prepare for Transitions: Help your child pack, ensure they have favorite items, and make the handover as smooth and positive as possible.
• Do Not Interfere: Do not call excessively during the other parent's time. Allow them to bond and create their own experiences. Do not grill your child about the other parent's household upon their return.
• Support Communication: Encourage calls or video chats with the other parent when the child is with you.
  

4.  Model Resilience and Conflict Resolution (for your child's sake):

• Manage Your Own Emotions: Children learn by watching. If you are anxious or angry about parenting time, your child will absorb that. Seek your own support to manage these feelings separately from the child.
• Focus on Co-Parenting (where possible): Engage in co-parent counseling to improve your communication with the other parent. When children see parents working together, it significantly reduces their stress.
• Let Go of the Past: While difficult, dwelling on past hurts or disagreements with your co-parent impacts your child's future. Model a willingness to move forward for your child's well-being.
  

5.  Seek Professional Support:

• Parenting Coordinator (Me!): I am here to help you navigate these challenges and implement strategies that put your child's long-term needs first.
• Child Therapist: A therapist can help your child process their feelings about the separation and adjust to parenting time in a neutral, supportive environment. This is not about "fixing" the child, but equipping them with coping skills.
• Individual Therapy for Parents: If you find yourself struggling with your own emotions related to the co-parenting relationship, individual therapy can provide tools and strategies to manage these feelings effectively, preventing them from spilling over onto your child.
  
• Co-parent Counselling: Specially trained counselors can assist you and your co-parent let go of the past and learn to communicate in a business relationship if you both need more assistance than working with the parenting coordinator.  The parenting coordinator's role becomes the overseer and reporter to ensure compliance and progress towards the reunification goals.

Conclusion: Investing in Your Child's Relational Future
Allowing a young child to dictate parenting time, especially when genuine safety is not an issue, inadvertently teaches them that:

• Avoiding discomfort is paramount, even if it means sacrificing important relationships.
• Their emotional expressions can control adult decisions.
• Relationships are conditional and can be easily severed.
  This can lead to significant emotional pain, anxiety, and a sense of loss in their future adult relationships.

By taking proactive steps to provide structure, reassurance, and positive support for both parental relationships, you are making a profound investment in your child's capacity for unconditional love, resilience, and lasting happiness. You are teaching them that relationships are worth navigating, even when challenging, and that love can endure.