The Unproductive Loop: Why High-Conflict Co-Parents Keep Fighting (and What Judges Will Notice)

As a Parenting Coordinator (PC), I see a common, frustrating pattern: parents locked in an endless cycle of email conflict over issues that have already been settled or are simply non-urgent. One parent refuses to take no for an answer (often re-raising a schedule change), and the other parent refuses to be silent (continuing to defend their 'no').

The result? Hundreds of back-and-forth emails, thousands of dollars in PC fees, and a complete breakdown of the system designed to help them.

What is the Emotional "Payoff" for the Conflict?

When a parent violates a communication agreement—whether by asking the same question for the fifth time or by writing a lengthy email to "correct the record"—they are not thinking logically. They are reacting.

• The Need to Be Right: In the emotional aftermath of a separation, many parents feel a profound sense of injustice. They believe that if they just explain their point one more time, the other parent, the PC, or the Judge will finally see that they are the victim and the other parent is the problem.
• The Adrenaline Rush: Conflict can become an addictive coping mechanism. The spike of anger and the rush of writing a defensive email provides a temporary (and unhealthy) feeling of control over a situation that feels completely out of control.
• The Misguided Legal Strategy: Many believe that responding to every accusation or request is necessary to build a "strong legal record." This is a critical error. A Judge looking at two parents' emails who have violated a strict communication protocol does not see a reasonable parent defending themselves; they see two parents who are equally choosing to engage in high-conflict behavior.
   

The Reality Check: What the Court Sees
 

When a communication agreement is violated, the court’s focus shifts from the original issue (e.g., the 2-2-3 schedule) to the parents' inability to follow the court-mandated process.

• Credibility is Lost: The parent who re-raises a settled issue is seen as harassing and non-compliant. The parent who chooses to respond is seen as equally non-compliant, emotionally reactive, and an active participant in perpetuating the conflict.
• The Child's Best Interest is Undermined: A judge's ultimate mandate is the child's well-being.

When parents cannot maintain a logical, calm, and brief co-parenting relationship—as modeled by the BIFF principles—they demonstrate that they are prioritizing their own emotional needs over the child’s need for peace and stability. This can result in:

• Financial Sanctions: Being ordered to pay the other party's wasted legal or PC fees.
• Loss of Discretion: The court may institute a rigid Parallel Parenting plan, removing all joint decision-making authority to force the parents to completely disengage, which is the ultimate failure of co-parenting.

The Truth Your Child Deserves to Hear

The constant cycle of conflict creates Toxic Stress—a documented health risk—for your child. Research into Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that chronic exposure to family dysfunction, including high parental conflict, alters a child's brain development and puts them at a dramatically higher risk for a lifetime of health problems, from heart disease to depression.

Your emotional email is not just a frustrating exchange; it is a threat to your child’s emotional and physical future.

My instruction to every high-conflict client is now simpler than ever:

If the issue is settled, the answer is silence. If you choose to engage, you are choosing conflict.
Your PC will no longer mediate your back-and-forth. We will only document your non-compliance to ensure the court is aware of who is choosing peace, and who is choosing to fight. For the sake of your child’s health and future, choose silence. Choose peace.