The Secret Ingredient: Why Your Child Needs Both of You to Thrive After Divorce

Let's face it: co-parenting with someone you wouldn't trust to water your houseplant can feel like a life sentence. Maybe you look at your ex and think, "Wait, that's the person I created a human being with?" We've all been there, staring across the mediation table, realizing life has a truly twisted sense of humor.

But here's the good news—and the universal truth: you both want the best childhood possible for your children. That shared desire is the foundation we need to rise above the personal stuff. The beautiful thing about parenting is that it forces us to grow up, too. Looking back on my own extreme challenges, what I’ve learned watching generations of children is that the person who had to change was the one I could control: me.

 The Science is Clear: Attachment and Time

When it comes to divorce and scheduling, the science, particularly the robust work by researchers like Dr. Joan Kelly, provides a clear roadmap.

Dr. Kelly's research, which is built on a large number of studies (she looked at over 100 key studies in a significant review) involving big groups of children, consistently shows that children flourish when they have secure attachment to both parents.

• Attachment to Both: This research found that the children's psychological adjustment, development, and well-being were most strongly correlated with the quality of their relationship and attachment to both their mother and their father. In fact, a child's adjustment is generally not associated with which parent has primary custody.
• Recommendation on Schedules: The key recommendation from this body of work is to ensure children have frequent and regular time with both parents, provided both parents are reasonably competent and safe. This means avoiding schedules that limit one parent to brief, infrequent contact.
   
   The Harsh Truth About Limited Contact

 It’s tempting in a high-conflict divorce to want to limit the time your child spends with your ex. It feels safer, easier, and maybe even like a small victory. But when it comes to the child's development, science delivers a very firm warning, especially regarding the father's role:

Limited contact with fathers causes harm.
Restricting a child to only "alternate weekends and a few weeks in the summer" with their father, when the father is a loving and competent parent, has been shown to be detrimental. This kind of minimal time:

• Undermines the Father-Child Attachment: It makes it incredibly difficult to maintain the necessary security and normalcy in the relationship.
• Damages the Child’s Sense of Self: Children internalize the idea that their father is not important enough to be an integral, daily part of their life. This can lead to insecurity, emotional distress, and later relationship issues.
• Hinders Long-Term Adjustment: Children who experience the loss of a major attachment figure often struggle more with adjustment issues down the line.

We must put our personal feelings aside and recognize that the time they spend with their other parent—even the one who drives you bonkers—is not a favor to your ex; it is a developmental necessity for your child.

The Secret Gift of High-Conflict Co-Parenting
 

You may be thinking, "This is impossible. My ex is a nightmare." Guess what? This is your unexpected training program for becoming a better, stronger, more peaceful human being.

The beautiful irony of a high-conflict divorce is that it opens the door for a second, much-needed blog post—one about the amazing gifts we receive when we choose to manage our own high-conflict tendencies.

When you commit to managing yourself, not responding with emotion, and using communication tools like BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm) in every interaction, you gain so much more than peace: you watch your children excel.That is joy.

Here is a long list of other gifts we receive by successfully raising our children and overcoming a high-conflict divorce:

• Self-Mastery: You learn to control the one person you can control (you!), leading to unparalleled self-respect.
• True Resilience: You develop a deep, unshakeable confidence knowing you navigated the hardest thing and came out whole.
• Peaceful Living: You create a low-drama, stable home environment for your children, which is priceless.
• Modeling Excellence: You demonstrate to your children exactly what emotional maturity and appropriate boundaries look like.
• Discerning Judgment: You become an expert at knowing which battles to fight and which to ignore.
• Improved Communication: You master objective, non-emotional communication, which benefits every other relationship in your life.
• Unflappable Calm: You learn to become the calm in the eye of someone else's storm.
• Authentic Happiness: You realize your happiness is not dependent on your ex's behavior, which is true freedom.
• Clarity on Values: You gain crystal-clear perspective on what truly matters: your children's well-being.

Deepened Relationship with Your Child: Your child recognizes your stability and becomes a stronger, closer source of comfort and love.

Do it before it is too late! Commit today to being the change. Commit to the science that says your child needs both of you.

We are all in this together, striving to give our children the most secure, stable, and joyful childhood possible, even if it requires us to share holidays with a person who still owes us money from 2007. We rise above, because our kids are worth it.

Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362.

Wallerstein, J. S., & Kelly, J. B. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. Basic Books. (This book is based on the groundbreaking longitudinal study by Wallerstein and Kelly, which was instrumental in identifying many of the developmental-stage specific reactions to divorce.)

Kelly, J. B. (2000). Children's adjustment in conflicted marriage and divorce: A decade review of research.Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 39(8), 963–973. (This article also summarizes the literature, including developmental perspectives on conflict and adjustment.)