Secret Recordings in Parenting Coordination: Why Transparency is Non-Negotiable
As a Parenting Coordinator (PC), my primary goal is to help co-parents in British Columbia move past conflict and focus on the best interests of their child. Parenting Coordination is a specialized form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), and it simply cannot work without a foundational layer of trust and transparency.
This is why I must address a serious issue that sometimes arises: the surreptitious (secret) audio or video recording of a co-parent and/or the PC.
The Clear Rule: No Secret Recordings
Let's be direct: Audio or video recording the PC or your co-parent during the PC process is strictly prohibited without the explicit, written consent of all parties.
This is not a recommendation; it is a contractual requirement under paragraph 5.07 of the BC Parenting Coordinator Roster’s standard contract. A violation of this clause is a serious breach of the necessary trust required for this process to succeed.
Why Secrecy Undermines the PC Process
Parenting Coordination is fundamentally different from family law court. It is not an adversarial system. The focus is on cooperation, constructive problem-solving, and achieving peace for your child. Secret recordings destroy the conditions required for this environment to thrive, for several key reasons:
1. It Kills Necessary Frankness and Weaponizes Figurative Language
In PC work, I am often required to be very frank with both clients—to challenge assumptions, ask difficult questions, and speak plainly about the realities of your situation. To do this effectively, I cannot be worried about every single phrase being guarded for fear of being taken out of context.
We frequently use exaggeration, known as hyperbole, to emphasize strong feelings like frustration. For example, if I am trying to convey that a path is pointless or difficult, I might say, "You don't have to bang your head against the wall."
- Intended Meaning: Stop the futile struggle; this is extremely difficult or impossible.
- Weaponized Meaning: Secret recordings allow a high-conflict individual (HCI) to isolate that quote and claim they were either physically threatened or that the PC is unprofessional.
- The Goal: By taking this common exaggeration literally, the HCI creates a "threat of violence" narrative to prove bias or misconduct, completely derailing the focus on the child and turning the process adversarial.
2. It Creates an Imbalance of Power
The person making the secret recording controls the narrative. They choose when to start and when to stop. This means crucial pre- and post-context is missing. A person being recorded could have easily been provoked or acted problematically before the recording began, but only their reaction is captured. This lack of full context makes the recording heavily biased and therefore inappropriate for a process focused on objective resolution.
3. The Difference Between Unethical and Criminal
Some clients have been advised that it is not criminal to record a conversation when you are a participant. This is a common misunderstanding of the issue.
The fact that something is not a criminal act does not mean it is ethical or appropriate in a professional, consensual dispute resolution process. Our work is governed by a contract and a standard of professional conduct, not just the criminal code. Secret recordings are fundamentally unethical in PC.
4. It Breeds Resentment and Fixation
Secret recordings often reflect an underlying mindset of "fight or flight," where a parent gets stuck on a perceived slight, looking for proof that the PC is biased or the co-parent is “bad.” This is often a "You hurt me and now you must pay" mentality.
This is not the focus of Parenting Coordination. Our focus is being partial towards the best interest of the children and guiding both of you towards a constructive resolution and peace. Perpetually seeking proof of bias simply stalls progress and keeps the family in conflict.
What To Do Instead: A Respectful and Constructive Path
If you have difficulty with something the Parenting Coordinator or your co-parent said, here is the constructive and appropriate way to handle it:
- Write It Down Immediately: Note the comment as you heard it and when it was said.
- Draft a Respectful Letter: Write a respectful email or letter to your co-parent or the PC addressing the comments.
- State Your Need and Seek Remedy:
- Are you looking for a full explanation or clarity on what was meant?
- Are you seeking an apology for the insensitivity of a comment?
- Crucially, what remedy are you seeking? (e.g., "I perceive your comment as insensitive, and I request that it does not reoccur.")
You do not need a recording to state your perception, articulate your boundary, and ask for a commitment to respectful communication.
My Non-Negotiable Boundaries
My commitment is to the children and the integrity of this process. The use of secret recordings is a profound breach of trust and a violation of our contractual agreement.
Recording the PC Process is Non-Negotiable: The terms of the BC Roster's standard contract are not negotiable. If a party seeks to record me, I will refuse to enter into a contract. If a breach occurs during the contract by recording the PC or co-parent, this is grounds for termination. At a minimum, I will immediately cease all verbal conversations with the breaching party, communicating only in writing. This shifts the process to a system of formal determinations to mitigate any perception of bias that could arise from continuing confidential telephone conversations with the non-breaching party.
Recording Your Co-Parent Outside of PC Sessions: If you choose to record your co-parent when not in the PC process, you need to be upfront, transparent, and disclose it to them and to me. Given that the goal of Parallel Parenting is to define trust as relying on a pattern of respectful communication, transparency is key.
Parenting Coordination requires a high degree of faith in the process and the people involved. Choose transparency, choose trust, and choose peace for your child.