Co-Parenting: It's Not Done Because You Like Your Ex

Let’s be honest: You don’t have to like your ex. In fact, most of the parents I work with as a parenting coordinator actively dislike or even hate the person they separated from. And that is okay.

But here is the critical lesson you need to internalize right now: Co-parenting is not done because you like your ex. It is done because you love your child and want the best for them. Your feelings about the other parent are irrelevant to the logistics of good parenting.

In the turbulent world of co-parenting after separation, this foundational truth is universal: your child needs a secure, meaningful relationship with both parents to thrive. This is not a matter of personal opinion or convenience; it is a clear directive rooted in decades of child development science.

The Long-Game Motivation: Why Today's Peace Matters

The work you are doing now isn't just about scheduling drop-offs. It's about securing your future role in your child's major life events. Before you know it, you will have to sit at the same graduation banquet table as your child's other parent, the same wedding, and the same delivery room when your first grandchild is born. We are building skills right now to help you navigate those moments—so they don't have to be horribly painful or stressful for your child for the rest of their life.

 The Unwavering Science of Attachment and Time

Our understanding of healthy child development is largely shaped by the rigorous work of researchers like Dr. Joan Kelly. Her landmark 2005 review, which synthesized the findings of over 100 studies, conclusively demonstrated that children's psychological adjustment and well-being are most strongly correlated with the quality of their relationship and attachment to both parents (Parent A and Parent B), regardless of which parent has primary physical custody.

This research was critical in providing the scientific weight needed to challenge outdated legal standards.

The key recommendation is to ensure children have frequent and regular time with both parents, provided both are competent and safe. This means actively avoiding schedules that limit one parent to brief, infrequent contact—a practice that science delivers a firm warning against.

The Harm of Limited Contact: A Developmental Necessity

Restricting a child to minimal contact (e.g., "alternate weekends and a few weeks in the summer") with any loving, competent parent is detrimental because:

• It undermines a crucial parent-child attachment, making it difficult to maintain security and normalcy in the relationship.
• It damages the child’s sense of self, leading them to internalize the idea that one parent is unimportant, which can cause insecurity and later relationship issues.
• It hinders long-term adjustment. The time a child spends with their other parent is a developmental necessity, not a favor to the ex.
   

The Universal Damage of High-Conflict: ACEs

The plea to "Love your child more than you hate your ex" is a critical directive because high-conflict separation actively creates Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), leading to preventable, long-term health and emotional damage explained in tge previous blog post.

Drawing on the ACE Study, ongoing exposure to hostility, emotional manipulation, or being used as a messenger—all common in high-conflict divorce—constitutes a form of emotional abuse. This creates toxic stress, which biologically impairs a child's developing brain and increases their adult risk for chronic physical diseases, mental health issues, and relationship struggles. This damage is largely preventable when parents choose peace.

The Parents' Separate Challenges: The Altruistic Challenge

For some (not all) parents, the pain of separation is compounded by a deep, biological protectiveness. Your body holds the scars of childbirth, and the hormones and DNA changes in your brain that occurred during pregnancy and birth often drive a fierce, altruistic commitment to your child's well-being. This selfless drive to give your child the healthiest possible future can exist powerfully alongside your anguish over how you were treated by your co-parent.

Provided your child is safe, we cannot allow the past to dictate the future or fuel a desire for revenge. We must acknowledge that people can change; the kindness and consideration your partner lacked for you as a spouse, they can learn and evolve to bestow on your child as a parent. The act of parenthood offers them a unique opportunity for selfless, unconditional love. The challenge we pose to you is this: Can you be capable of that same selfless love—not for your ex, but for your child's future?

Another Path: From Regret to Responsibility

The separation process often leaves some (not all) parents  feeling "shut out"—rejected, cut off, and judged by the past. We understand that anguish. Some parents admit that when their marriage became overwhelming or challenging, they reacted using the unhealthy coping mechanisms they were raised with, even sometimes including substance misuse and/or use of force. While you may feel deep regret for that approach, or perhaps you still struggle to see your past actions clearly, the core truth for your child remains the same: We are better than our worst moments, and we must prove it. Your commitment to your child is measured not by the mistakes of yesterday, but by the responsible choices you make today. This is the moment to channel those feelings of regret or frustration into positive, peaceful engagement. You owe your child a future where they are safe and secure, and that starts with your emotional control and unwavering cooperation right now.

Whatever dynamic occurred in the past, it is now time to change it with the gifts of the PC process: managed emotions, flexible thinking, managed behavior and checking yourself. We get there by PC coaching, free handouts, mediating, folowing a strict and monitored communication protocol, mediation, determinations and counselling.

Addressing Gatekeeping and Universal Application

The responsibility for protecting a child from limited contact and high conflict is gender-neutral and applies to all family structures.

Parental Gatekeeping: A Shared Problem

Gatekeeping—the behavior of one parent restricting the other parent's time, involvement, or influence—is harmful regardless of which parent is doing it. The desire to control the other parent is a human reaction to conflict, but it is always the child who suffers the loss of a secure attachment figure.

The End of the "Tender Years Doctrine"

The historical emphasis on the mother's role stems in part from the now largely abolished Tender Years Doctrine. This legal presumption, dominant in the 19th and early 20th centuries, stated that young children should automatically be placed in the mother’s custody.

It is precisely the extensive scientific literature reviewed by Dr. Kelly and others that has affirmed that children benefit from two actively involved parents, leading to the abolishment of this doctrine. Modern family law now universally uses the gender-neutral "Best Interests of the Child" standard.

The Universal Rule for All Parents

Whether you are a mother and father, two mothers, two fathers, or a co-parent in any non-traditional family structure, the science is universal: a child’s development requires two secure, available attachment figures. The principles of protecting the child’s bond and minimizing conflict are applied equally across all family structures because the child's psychological needs do not change based on their parents' gender or orientation.

The Secret Gift of Self-Mastery

The beautiful irony of a high-conflict divorce is that it forces the one person you can control—yourself—to grow. Committing to self-mastery by refusing to engage in conflict is the greatest gift you can give your child.

This commitment involves:

• Modeling Excellence: Demonstrating emotional maturity and setting appropriate boundaries.
• Objective Communication: Using tools like BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm).
• Creating Peace: Choosing to create a low-drama, stable home environment for your child, which is priceless for their health and happiness.
  We must rise above our personal feelings and commit to the science that says your child needs both of you, choosing peace for their future wellness.

References
 

Kelly, J. B. (2005). Developing meaningful and effective co-parenting plans for children in high-conflict separation and divorce. Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 19(2), 237–258.
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., ... & Marks, J. S.(1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American journal of preventive medicine, 14(4), 245–258.