Breaking Free from the Past: Finding Peace in Co-Parenting

When a relationship ends, especially one with children, it can feel like a part of you is stuck in the past. You may find yourself revisiting old hurts, replaying arguments, and reliving the pain of what went wrong. For many co-parents, this isn't just a fleeting feeling—it's a constant state of being.

I've seen it time and again with clients who are trapped in a cycle of frustration, anger, and resentment. The person they once loved has become the source of their deepest pain, and as a result, trust has been shattered. They live in a past filled with accusations and threats, constantly reopening old wounds.

This is what's known as the Drama Triangle, a concept often seen in family dynamics. In this triangle, you might see yourself as the Victim, your co-parent as the Perpetrator, and you desperately seek a Rescuer—your lawyer, psychologist, the court, or a parenting coordinator. But in a healthy, functional relationship, there is no drama triangle.

The Cost of Living in the Past
 

When we're stuck in this cycle, we’re not just harming ourselves; we’re hurting our children. Research shows that a parent's chronic rumination over past events can have a measurable negative impact on a child's well-being, affecting their future income and quality of life. This pattern can even lead to more serious issues.

Every second we spend reliving the past is a second we lose in the present. We can’t find joy when we’re constantly looking in the rearview mirror. I know people who have been in anguish for 40 years over a single event. Think about the amount of life that was wasted.

So, how do we break this cycle?

The Only Way Forward is Through
 

The answer, while simple, is far from easy. It’s a profound lesson that many spiritual and philosophical traditions have taught for centuries: you have to let go of the past and move forward. This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or excusing bad behavior. It means choosing to manage your own conduct and living with the greatest integrity possible, every single day.

In healthy relationships, we practice good boundaries and learn to take minor pain to avoid major pain later. We see potential problems and proactively take steps to prevent them. And when we make a catastrophic mistake—as all people do—we must move forward constructively.

The practice of letting go is like a muscle. You have to work it every day. It’s a daily struggle to master your emotions and your actions. This is where parenting coordination becomes so valuable.

How a Parenting Coordinator Can Help
 

As your parenting coordinator, I'm not here to be your rescuer in the drama triangle. Instead, I'm here to help you get out of it entirely. My role is to guide you and your co-parent to stop living in the past and start making constructive decisions for the future of your children.

Together, we work on:

Improving communication: We focus on clear, present-day communication rather than past grievances.
Establishing boundaries: We help create a framework that defines what is acceptable and what isn’t, so you can predict and prevent future conflict.
Problem-solving: We address current issues with a forward-looking mindset, teaching you how to manage conflict without resorting to threats or accusations.
The goal is to shift your mindset from one of blame and rumination to one of integrity and action. The only attitude that makes life magnificent is an attitude of joy. It’s a choice you have to make every single day.

If you are struggling to move past a difficult co-parenting situation, remember that you are not alone. And if you’re lucky enough to know someone who has survived some of life’s hardest challenges and still manages to stay positive, use them as your mentor. Their resilience is your guide.

Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it is a practice. You practice it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday until you get it right. It’s a continuous effort that frees you to find joy, not just for yourself, but for your children.

 
Are you ready to stop living in the past and start building a more peaceful future for you and your children?