A Look in the Mirror: 4 Habits That Escalate Conflict

 Taking the Difficult First Step
 

Co-parenting is inherently stressful, and it is entirely natural to feel frustrated, angry, or wronged by your former partner. However, if you find yourself constantly in the middle of intense, unresolved conflict across many areas of your life—not just with your co-parent—it might be time to take an honest look at your own communication habits.

The goal isn't to assign blame, but to gain self-awareness. When you recognize your own contribution to conflict, you take back control over your emotional well-being and model a healthier approach for your children.

Identifying Your Role: The Four Habits of High Conflict
 

High Conflict Personalities (HCPs) tend to fall into predictable patterns. By identifying these patterns in yourself, you can start to replace them with productive habits.

Habit 1: The Blame Focus
 

The Trap: You feel that 90% to 100% of the problem always, and clearly, lies with the other parent. You rarely see your own mistake or error.
The Problem: When you are convinced you are flawless, you become incapable of compromise or taking any accountability, which only forces the other person to dig in harder.
The Change: Practice acknowledging your 1% contribution. Did you send a hostile text? Did you interrupt? Start simple: "I apologize for the tone of my last message." Taking responsibility for your behavior shifts the focus from finding fault to finding solutions.
 

Habit 2: All-or-Nothing Thinking
 

The Trap: You see people, decisions, and solutions in absolute terms: all good or all bad. You cannot tolerate ambiguity or a middle ground.
The Problem: Co-parenting is full of compromise. Viewing the other parent's reasonable suggestions as "pure evil" or "manipulation" makes negotiation impossible.
The Change: When a decision comes up, identify three acceptable solutions, not just one. Force yourself to find one thing the other parent has suggested that is workable, even if it's not ideal. Focus on workable, not perfect.
 

Habit 3: Unmanaged Reactions
 

The Trap: You respond instantly when triggered, usually with intense emotion (rage, contempt, fear). Your texts and emails are often long, dramatic, and full of accusations.
The Problem: Emotional, unedited messages are rarely persuasive and often serve as "evidence" of instability in court settings.
The Change: Implement the "Pause Button." Adopt the 24-Hour Rule. When you receive a text that triggers you, do not respond for at least 24 hours. Draft your response, edit out all emotion, and then, only when you are calm, hit send.
 

Habit 4: Emotional Extremism
 

The Trap: You resort to threats (legal action, denying visitation, or social smear campaigns) as your first, most common response to frustration.
The Problem: These threats escalate conflict instantly, breed resentment, and are often unsustainable, damaging your credibility over time.
The Change: Reframe the relationship as a business arrangement. Your interactions should be professional and purely logistical. Before sending any communication, ask yourself: "Is this something I would say to a coworker or my boss?" If the answer is no, edit it until the language is neutral, informative, and free of emotional leverage.
 

The Reward of Self-Awareness
 

The great news is that you only need to change yourself to see an immediate change in your personal stress level. You don't need your co-parent to change for you to stop the conflict cycle. By using structured, objective communication (like the BIFF method, outlined in our other post), you teach the other parent how you expect to be treated and create a peaceful space for yourself—and your children.