5 Pillars of Parenting Coordination

Understanding Parenting Coordination: A Path to Healthier Co-Parenting

Welcome to Parenting Coordination! You're engaging in a specialized process designed to help you and your co-parent navigate the complexities of raising children after separation or divorce, especially when conflict has been high. This handout is one of many you will receive and explains what Parenting Coordination is, and importantly, the research-backed reasons why this approach can make a significant positive difference for you and, most importantly, your children.

 
What is Parenting Coordination?

Parenting Coordination (PC) is a child-focused, dispute resolution process for high-conflict co-parents. It's often court-ordered or agreed upon when traditional mediation or legal approaches haven't been sufficient to manage ongoing disputes. Your Parenting Coordinator (PC) is a neutral professional, usually with a background in law or mental health, who has specialized training in conflict resolution, child development, and high-conflict family dynamics.

The Goal of Parenting Coordination:

The primary goal of PC is to help you:

Reduce parental conflict and its negative impact on your children.
Implement your parenting plan effectively.
Improve communication and problem-solving skills.
Shield your children from ongoing parental disputes.
Foster a healthier co-parenting relationship over time.
 
How Does Parenting Coordination Work? Our 5-Pillar Approach

Our approach in Parenting Coordination is built on five key pillars, the first four introduced by Bill Eddy at the High Conflict Institute (www.highconflictinstitute.com).  These five pillars are supported by strong scientific research, to help you move from conflict to constructive co-parenting:

Pillar 1: Managing Emotions (The Foundation)

What it means: We help you recognize, understand, and regulate your intense emotions (like anger, frustration, sadness, and resentment) that often arise in co-parenting situations. The goal isn't to ignore these feelings, but to prevent them from dictating your reactions and decisions.
The Research Says: High-conflict divorce triggers significant stress and emotional dysregulation. Research in neuroscience and psychology (e.g., from fields like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) shows that when emotions run high, our logical thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) is less active. Learning to calm your nervous system through techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or taking a break allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. This foundational skill is crucial for all other aspects of effective co-parenting.
Pillar 2: Promoting Flexible Thinking (Breaking Cycles of Rigidity)

What it means: High conflict often involves "all-or-nothing" thinking or getting stuck on one rigid solution. We help you explore different perspectives, consider alternative solutions, and adapt your thinking to new information or changing circumstances.
The Research Says: Psychological research on cognitive flexibility demonstrates that rigid thinking patterns (known as "cognitive distortions") fuel conflict. By learning to challenge these patterns and consider multiple viewpoints, you can move beyond impasse. This skill is vital for effective problem-solving and finding mutually acceptable solutions, rather than just "winning."
Pillar 3: Managing Behavior (Shifting from Reaction to Action)

What it means: This pillar focuses on transforming unproductive and harmful behaviors (e.g., yelling, passive aggression, constant criticism, undermining the other parent) into constructive actions. This includes learning effective communication strategies and disengaging from conflict cycles.
The Research Says: Behavioral psychology and social learning theory show that behaviors are learned and can be unlearned or replaced. In high-conflict situations, negative behaviors often become reciprocal. By consciously changing your own behavior, you can break these destructive patterns. We focus on teaching practical skills like using "brief, factual, neutral" communication, setting boundaries, and disengaging from arguments. Bill Eddy uses BIFF – brief, informative, friendly and firm.
Pillar 4: Checking Oneself by Perspective-Taking (Stepping into Their Shoes – and Your Child's)

What it means: This involves intentionally considering the other parent's point of view, even if you disagree with it, and critically, understanding how your actions and the conflict itself impact your children.
The Research Says: Social cognition research highlights the importance of "theory of mind" – the ability to understand another person's thoughts and feelings. While full empathy with an ex-spouse can be challenging, cognitive perspective-taking (understanding their position) is crucial for negotiation and de-escalation. Most importantly, decades of child development research unequivocally show that exposure to high parental conflict is the single greatest predictor of negative long-term outcomes for children (e.g., anxiety, depression, academic problems, relationship difficulties). Understanding this impact helps parents prioritize their children's well-being above their own grievances.
 

Pillar 5: Acting in the Best Interest of the Children (The Guiding Principle)

What it means: Every decision, every interaction, and every compromise in Parenting Coordination is filtered through one lens: What is genuinely best for your children's healthy development and well-being? This means putting your children's needs before your own emotions or desire to be "right."
The Research Says: This pillar is the bedrock of family law and child psychology. Longitudinal studies consistently demonstrate that children of separated parents thrive when:
They are insulated from parental conflict.
They have a secure and consistent relationship with both parents (where safe and appropriate).
Both parents can cooperate and present a united front on parenting issues.
Their parents prioritize their emotional and physical safety and stability.
 
The Benefits for You and Your Children:

By engaging in this research-backed approach, you can expect to:

For Parents: Experience less stress, feel more in control, develop stronger communication skills, and potentially move towards a more peaceful co-parenting relationship.
For Children: Benefit from reduced exposure to conflict, greater emotional security, more consistent parenting, and a stronger sense of stability, leading to better emotional, social, and academic outcomes.
Parenting Coordination is an investment in your family's future. While challenging at times, the skills you learn and the changes you make will create a lasting positive impact on your children's lives. We are here to guide and support you on this essential journey.