Nerodivergent Children and Grief

Supporting Children Through Serious Illness and Loss

A Parenting Coordinator Perspective (General Insights Only)

Navigating the serious illness and eventual death of a family member is profoundly difficult for families, and particularly complex when children are moving between two households. This document is offered from the perspective of a Parenting Coordinator to provide general, research‑informed insights that may assist co‑parents in supporting elementary school‑aged children during this time.

Important caveat:

These observations are not prescriptive, do not apply to all children, and are not determinations. Consistent with s.37 of the Family Law Act, every child’s best interests must be assessed individually, having regard to that child’s unique needs, developmental stage, neurodiversity, family context, and circumstances. What supports one child may not support another.

The Role of the Parenting Coordinator

As Parenting Coordinator (PC), my role is to assist parents in communicating effectively, resolving parenting disputes, and making child‑focused decisions within the scope of the appointing order or agreement. During periods of heightened emotional stress—such as the serious illness or loss of a grandparent—this role often includes:

• Facilitating respectful, child‑focused communication between parents

• Assisting parents to align messaging and routines across households

• Identifying when professional supports may be beneficial

• Helping parents distinguish between their own grief and their children’s needs

The PC does not replace counselling, medical, or therapeutic care, nor does the PC determine how grief “should” look. The goal is to support parents in maintaining stability, predictability, and emotional safety for their children, while recognizing that grief unfolds differently for every child.

How Elementary‑Aged Children May Experience Grief

(General Developmental Observations Only)

Children approximately aged 5–10 are still developing an understanding of illness and death. Some children may:

• Experience rapidly shifting emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, confusion, or guilt

• Ask concrete or practical questions about illness, death, or their own safety

• Show changes in sleep, appetite, mood, or behavior

• Engage in “magical thinking,” believing their thoughts or actions caused the illness

• Grieve in short, intermittent periods (“puddles of grief”), moving between sadness and play

These reactions are commonly observed, but not universal, and should never be used to assume how a particular child is feeling or coping.

Neurodiversity and Grief: Additional Considerations

(Not Diagnostic and Not Universal)

Some children with ADHD or autism may experience or express grief differently. These observations are included to support understanding—not to label, predict, or pathologize.

Children with ADHD may:

• Have greater difficulty regulating emotions during periods of stress

• Appear inattentive or disengaged when processing overwhelming information

• Show increased impulsivity, restlessness, or frustration

• Struggle with abstract concepts such as permanence or finality

Children with Autism may:

• Prefer clear, literal explanations over abstract language or euphemisms

• Experience heightened sensory sensitivities during disruptions or emotional events

• Express grief through behavioral changes rather than words

• Be particularly affected by changes to routine and predictability

• Form deep attachments that may not be outwardly expressed

Again, these are not rules. Many children with ADHD or autism will grieve in ways that do not fit these descriptions, and many neurotypical children may show similar patterns.

Co‑Parenting Across Two Homes During Illness and Loss

(Guiding Principles, Not Requirements)

From a Parenting Coordinator perspective, children tend to benefit when parents strive for consistency, predictability, and coordinated communication, even while acknowledging that households may function differently.

1. Communication Between Parents

• Share key information about what the children are being told and how

• Coordinate explanations to avoid conflicting or confusing messages

• Follow any existing Communication Agreement when sharing observations

• Exchange child‑focused observations rather than interpretations or blame

2. Talking With Children About Illness and Death

• Use clear, age‑appropriate language

• Avoid euphemisms that may be confusing or frightening

• Allow children to ask questions at their own pace

• Reassure children about their own safety and health

• Prepare children for changes they may see (medical equipment, fatigue, routine changes)

What is “age‑appropriate” or “helpful” will vary by child and should be adjusted accordingly.

Supporting Children Day‑to‑Day

(Options, Not Expectations)

Some children may benefit from:

• Maintaining routines across both households where possible

• Predictable transitions and advance notice of changes

• Opportunities to express feelings through play, art, movement, or conversation

• Access to quiet or sensory‑regulated spaces

• Choice and autonomy (e.g., whether to attend a memorial, how to say goodbye)

Participation in rituals, memorials, or goodbyes should never be forced and should always be considered in light of the child’s individual temperament and needs.

Supporting Yourselves as Co‑Parents

Parents’ grief matters. Children often take cues from how adults around them cope with loss. While parents may grieve differently, children generally benefit when parents:

• Acknowledge emotions without overwhelming the child

• Model help‑seeking and healthy coping

• Avoid placing children in the role of emotional caretaker

• Check in periodically about how the children are coping and adjust strategies as needed

Professional and Community Supports

Where children are already connected to professionals—such as counsellors or speech‑language pathologists—continued collaboration may be helpful. These professionals can offer individualized strategies tailored to the child’s specific developmental, emotional, and communication needs.

Final Reminder

There is no single “right” way for a child to grieve. This document reflects general Parenting Coordinator insights, not determinations, and must always be applied—if at all—through the lens of s.37 of the Family Law Act and the individual best interests of each child.

Written by Cori L. McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Cori has 28 years of experience with parenting children who are affected by ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. Read more about unique considerations on our Children with Additional Needs page, including Smartphones and NeuroDiversity and other reading in our extensive Resource Library.

© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.